F*ck it!

[andthistoomustpass]

I'm really peed off with myself. Had all the time in the world to get stuff done the last two weeks and I've done next to nothing. Home still looks like a bombsite. Garden overgrown. Even running short of trousers and not bothered to buy any. Can't even convince myself to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. It is not that I can't sleep, it is that I am choosing not to! Arrrggghhhhh! My F'ing s*ite brain needs a punch!

So f'ing sick of knowing what I want to do and what I need to do to get better and improve my life but being unable to take action to do it! Arrrrgggghhhh!

So sick of having this self-sabotaging brain in control. So sick of that part of me. I've tried accepting but this lack of action is unacceptable! If I could invite my subconscious outside for a fight, I would!

F*ck it all anyway.

[maisi]

Hey- oi! That seems a bit unfair. Really you've been doing nothing? Or have you had various priorities, and prioritised accordingly. A break is supposed to feel like a break- how often do you have a week or so off work?

And you've done some very serious psychological/emotional work by the looks of things- see your diary entry if you don't believe me.

Give yourself at least 10% of the understanding you give others- would love to see the day you respond like this to someone else!

You didn't bother with clothes shopping probably cos you can do that any day of the week, leave or no leave. I do know the feeling, and the torn priorities when you get a break, so I am definitely qualified to say don't beat yourself up about it.

If I could invite my subconscious outside for a fight, I would!

Not to be irritating or anything, or sound like a therapist, but shall we reflect on this a bit?!

[andthistoomustpass]

Thanks Maisi

I know you are right. Especially about the reflection
Being angry at myself isn't terribly healthy but sometimes I just want a rant.

[maisi]

Yeah, I didn't acknowledge that it's really necessary and healthy to have a rant sometimes- and get some support- and to express the frustration you or any of us feel, dealing with mh and expectations. I did want to say I sympathise, and I know you know all about being kind to yourself, and I also know it's a hell of a lot to deal with.

[andthistoomustpass]

Thanks Maisi

It was nice to see your response to my rant in any case.

[andthistoomustpass]

PS

You were spot on in some respects. While beating myself up I conveniently forgot I was ill for three days so the first week off was never going to packed with activity. As you pointed out, I really needed a break too. No harm in resting after being so busy at work for so long.

... Still want to punch my subconscious in the head though...

[sirhugo]

I have recently came up with a new technique for myself that seems to be helpful and eases my guilt. We all have days where we want to lie in bed, eating kebabs and watching game of thrones reruns, but we know we should be getting up and about, exercising, eating better etc. Plus we also know that we need to do the dishes, wash the clothes etc

I found the following daily routine eases my guilt and at the same time gets things done.

do one thing you NEED to do: example, do the dishes
do one thing you SHOULD do: example, go out for a walk and get some exercise
do one thing you WANT to do: example, have a long hot bath

after that, the rest of the day is your oyster

need, should, want. If this catches on im getting a patent

[andthistoomustpass]

Good advice, cheers!