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Partner really struggling- continuous

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
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Partner really struggling- continuous

Postby ldg134 » Wed Dec 05, 2018 1:28 pm


My partner is suffering with depression and anxiety and I am finding it really difficult to support him at the moment. I am under a lot of stress myself as we are moving (at christmas, not the best time I know), and I think he's finding it really difficult to adjust to a new place out of his current comfort zone. His suicidal thoughts have returned and I am feeling so very overwhelmed by the whole process and worried about living in a new place away from our support networks. It all feels too much, I don't know what to do. Just typing that down helps a bit. I'm normally really strong but I'm finding this process very very difficult right now as there seems to be nothing that the doctors can do to help in the immediate future and he is already on the waiting list to see mental health services (experience tells me, whenever that might happen and could be pointlessly far in the future).

Help! Or just say something comforting someone, please. I could really do with knowing I'm not the only one or that someone has had to do this with their partner and how they got through it.

Thanks xx

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Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: Partner really struggling- continuous

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Wed Dec 05, 2018 11:51 pm

Sorry to say you are one of many and if you read other forum posts you will find some real tough horror stories

So welcome

One of the first things to do is look after yourself so that you can provide the support your partner needs at the moment
So do not fall into the trap of not doing all the things that you know you should be doing
Exercise blah blah

Do you know why your partner is suffering from depression and anxiety - does he even
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

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Re: Partner really struggling- continuous

Postby claire81 » Thu Dec 06, 2018 1:43 pm

You are definitely not alone! My partner and I moved house a couple of years ago and it was a horrible, horrible experience so I know to some extend what you must be going through.

Have you moved already or are you in the process? If you are yet to move and have the money, I'd defintiely recommend getting a professional moving company to do most of the logistics for you. Anything that takes some of the stress, responsibility and physical effort away from you.

If you have already moved see if you can get him to go out for a walk and explore the new neighbourhood. Maybe even to see which houses have their christmas lights up already. I know it can be difficult trying to get them to do anything when they're at that low ebb and it's so hard to know what to do for the best. If he doesn't feel like doing anything right now is there anything you can do for yourself as a little stress buster?

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Re: Partner really struggling- continuous

Postby lucym » Sun Dec 30, 2018 6:19 am

Hi Claire and upwards,

It’s ldg but under another username (I couldn’t log in with the other details and as it’s silly o’clock in the night this one will have to do).
Thank you for your kind replies and for reminding me I’m not alone. To answer your question upwards, yes he was diagnosed a long time ago and has been in and out of mh services for most of his adult life. He moved to the new town before me to start a course, which is very positive but hasn’t been without it’s challenges for him, and had been seeing a psychologist for his conditions as well as for ptsd. The ptsd was really helped, although on moving day he teetered on the brink of a panic attack after being triggered by something. Sorry I don’t want to go I tot of many details right now for anonymity’s sake, but suffice to say his issues have been compounded by other factors and his anxiety and depression remain severe with not much sign of change in the near future seeing as waiting lists are so long and he’s currently unwilling to reach out to his last psychologist.

It’s been an up and down month and of course moving is stressful for anyone, let alone someone with all his problems and the person supporting him (me). I have tried really hard to make time each day to do something I enjoy during all of the packing, stressing and trying to reassure him. At times I’ve not been very good at it and held my hands up and said I’m sorry I’m not being very good at supporting you, it’s cos I’m stressed. It hasn’t helped that I’ve had a large falling out with my dad, who I have always had a difficult relationship with. In the end I couldn’t handle all of these stresses at once and have had to put my relationship with my dad on hold for the time being as it was all just too much. That is what looking after myself this month has boiled down to. That and going back on amitryptelene to handle stress-induced ibs.

We did the move a couple of days ago and it went quite well all things considered. I suppose I’m writing now because I’ve woken up in the middle of the night and panicked about what comes next. Is it going to be more of the same for the rest of our relationship? Will he get stronger? Will we ever have a physical relationship again (we haven’t for 10 months and actually it’s a huge strain on the relationship. I’m starting to feel so unattractive and unwanted even though I know it’s medicine that’s the reason and that’s a whole other can of worms because it’s directly about my needs- of course not only physical ones- and him not being able to meet them and then me feeling guilty for not always remembering that he can’t always help it). Have I just moved to a new town far away from my friends and family for a giant gamble? Well yes I have, but I think I’m wondering, at now 5am, and this is the hard bit to type because it makes me sound selfish in respect of everything I’ve told you, will it be worth it? You can’t answer that I know.

I didn’t just move for him, there were other good reasons eg job prospects, a fresh start, more exciting place to live. But he is the main reason I moved to this particular place and he has, through no fault of his ow, dominated my life for a huge portion of our relationship and I do factor him in to most of my daily actions and my lifestyle. Life has hanged a lot since we met and much of that has been out of my control, and he would say out of his control. So I guess the reality of moving in these circumstances means it’s inevitable to wake up at 4am and wonder what the hell i’m getting myself further into?

Knowing I’ve got the space on here to say all that helps me to look forward to the future a bit with dare I say it, confidence? Or shifting something through a rant helps me to keep being really co-dependent? I don’t know, I think I’m rambling now and I’ve still got two weeks until I next get to skype my councillor, so I’m really sorry for the long long essay. I needed to get that out. Xx

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Re: Partner really struggling- continuous

Postby control4us » Sat Jan 19, 2019 10:41 pm

I’m going thru the same at the moment, he’s struggling really bad , he won’t seek help , he won’t conform to his treatment and smashes his home up , he’s spent about £5000 in a couple months constantly having to replace things. He continuously pushes me away and doesn’t see how this impacts on my mental state. I’m struggling too. But it’s important not to over crowd him with support it makes them even more resistant. Just remember the pessimism is there illness not them. It’s important you learn all you can about the illness to enable your self to support him better. You can also speak confidentially to his GP about it, or if In crisis your local crisis team. Just let him know it’s ok not to be ok , tell him his depression is real and that even though you don’t understand how he feels you are there for him and that he’s important to you. Make sure your being good to your self , give your self time out, you need it , as too much stress from trying to cope with supporting someone’s mental illness can trigger your own. Also if he has family members etc it’s important to keep them up to date with how he’s feeling ( while they don’t like to tell anyone) family support is one of the most important things in recovery. It may feel like your fighting a losing battle and you may even think god I could strangle you sometimes but try not to be confrontational with him , encouragement is good but you can force someone to get help , or do something they are not ready for , things like , it’s a lovely day out do you want to come for a walk with me , not are you gonna get up today. Make it all seem like their idea it helps promote them back in to routine. When he’s anxious be there from afar letting him know he’s going to be ok, instinct is to hold them and cry but they hate to be held , cuddled , kissed etc when anxious I give a little touch on the shoulder reminds them you are there and their not alone, depression isn’t a quick fix and can last years have you looked around for therapists and councellers it’s proven to have far better outcomes combined with medication. Maybe get some leaflets and leave them about where he can find them so if he chooses to talk to someone he won’t feel forced. Good luck hun I really understand how difficult this is for you just make sure your also receiving support and that you have people to speak to yourself

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