The theatre sounds great!!
"Sounds like you cannot win no matter what you do". That is exactly it. So I will just stop trying to please.
She's always been.... awkward.... yeah. Just as I've always been very sensitive. So we clash.
She's highly stressed and is still suffering physical symptoms from the accident some months ago. My dad keeps to himself. Zones out.
The community.....
I felt a sense of belonging. It just felt right. Like I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
I felt fulfilled, challenged and a deep sense of purpose.
I loved the prayer life, the work, living with like-minded people in community, and experiencing different cultures.
I enjoyed it. Everything was new, exciting, challenging, inspiring, exciting, random and fun. It made me happy.
I felt loved by the community members and I loved them.
It was for the religion, yes. To me personally, it felt the best way that I could most fully give myself to my faith.
It was a long, two year discernment period and everything externally was falling into place.
I left India in the June feeling this way, although I was very tired. With hindsight, I should have returned home but I feared everything would change. I wanted to stay in India but my visa expired so I spent three months in Bosnia where I became depressed. It was as though a switch was clicked and everything changed. I returned to India in the September as a different person. Emptiness as painful as grief now ached within me. I started punishing myself. I was accepted to join the community in the January but returned home in the November (I booked a £400 flight the night before, said some hurried 'goodbyes' and came home.) I travelled in a blur, returned home and burst into tears..... There started my depression. In the January, I joined the community locally as a volunteer. I lasted a week. I spent my one day off crying in bed and hurried home the next day. I started slipping into anorexia soon after.
Bit of a life story for you there.
Yeah, it's a shame about the guy. I skipped child psychology last night too, but will be back on track again next week.
I've messed up massively. One big fat point to anorexia.
I took on too many hours. I enjoy the job and because it's good for me, anorexia claws at me and I restrict my eating. This makes the exhaustion worse. My mother knows I've been restricting and has lost it with me. I've spoken to my boss but today I messed up. I am honestly too exhausted to work. It's not anxiety and it's not depression, it's because I am 9.5kg (1 stone and 7 pounds; BMI 14.3) below the minimum weight I could be to be considered at the beginning of the healthy range (i.e. BMI 18.5), I'm in a physical job that takes a lot from me mentally too, and I have been restricting my eating. I left for work today and came home. I knew I would be no help at work. I've explained to the boss my text (too embarrassed to ring! 
) explaining the situation and no response as of yet. I've spent the majority of today sleeping and zoning out with a box set. This is how I used to 'recharge' during depression days. But I don't have these days anymore. Stupid anorexia has set me back again. I'm pissed off at myself. I want help and there's none available. I have a lovely day planned tomorrow with my nieces and a family day on Sunday. By next week, I will be ready to start over. I don't want to lose my job. I've lasted a month. I hate anorexia.
"There is a difference between what we want and what we need". Couldn't be more right. I want so much more than I am capable of. Onwards and upwards. I can't go backwards after all I've achieved and I won't. A part of me (the anorexia-controlled part) wants to press that 'self destruct button' so hard that it's bony fingers snap into little pieces.
Okay, question time!
I'm maintaining the anorexia. I'm not challenging it. I'm doing enough not to be admitted to hospital. I'm VERY convincing.
I'm challenging everything but the anorexia so I appear to be doing so well. I know I can recover but I don't think I will this time. Low body weight affects brain chemistry. In order to change my thinking, I have to restore my physicality. But, my thoughts are holding me back from restoring weight. My mind convinces me weight restoration is something that will make me feel worse.
The only way out is to eat myself out of anorexia!
I gained the 1kg after a year of gaining nothing. Chances are I've lost it through working now. I feel sad about this and disappointed in myself.
Yes, I don't have the resources to expel as much energy as I may wish too.
I have suppressed my thoughts about my weight and my body by becoming so underweight that I can't even think straight.
I feel like the ED team have just given up on me.
My care coordinator hasn't been in contact for six weeks either when she was seeing me weekly. I can't share things with my parents either. Thankfully, forums like this really help. My health isn't in danger, but it is precarious.
Recovery.... Freedom from constant mental torment. Energy to do more. Not being controlled. A better relationship with my mother. Less guilt. Independence.
Feeling 'real'...... Being able to really laugh and mean it, having a day when food or anorexia doesn't dominate me, feeling loved and feeling present.
Feeding others and food obsessions are a symptom of anorexia. For want of a better word, such behaviours 'feed' the anorexia and keep me locked in it.
For instance, I made three big batches of sausage rolls for other people. How many did I eat? Zero. Escape rooms sound awesome!!! I've never been. Have a great time!!!
Have a good weekend. Much love, Em x
Hope I didn't over-share. 
The standard was an unattainable perfection. The work was physically demanding. Exhaustion is my biggest trigger. I became hyper sensitive emotionally. It was a religious community and the views were often hypocritical, narrow-minded and very intense. I was emotionally all over the place. I couldn't stop crying out there!! The depression started. 
