Depressed boyfriend has pushed me away

[ariane]

Thanks Lillie... my bestie is away on holidays right now so it’s good to let it out here
I try to make a list in my head of all the reasons why I am better off: we have very little in common, he drinks too much, we live 1hr away, I never felt ready to introduce him to my kids (not quite true I was going to just around the first breakup), he’s too laid back and I am a control freak

You know I asked him when I stayed over 2wkends ago whether he now felt he was worthy of me and he said no. He said that he didn’t understand why I could love him
It’s less than a wk ago I was with him... what happened on Tuesday that made his day bad and what happened between Tuesday and Wednesday to make him flip. Why should he need time to get used to all the positive changes, am I being too harsh or impatient

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I’ve played the ‘why I’m better off without him’ game too. In my case he also drinks too much and we also live an hour apart, he’s very much ‘leave it to the last minute’ and I like to get things done, he hoards paperwork and can never find anything and I itched to sort and file everything away for him neatly ... there is plenty more.

You aren’t being harsh or impatient. In my experience these people change moods daily. I know my guy told me once, after 2 days of silence, that he just woke up feeling really down for no apparent reason and couldn’t shake it off. You just can’t predict them. I honestly felt we were all good 5 weeks ago, he asked me to stay, we had a wonderful evening drinking champagne in a rooftop bar with amazing views, he taught me how to mix music, we woke up late and had a nice breakfast in a restaurant nearby and parted with a kiss. I’ve gone from that to him saying he only loves me as a friend ... confused or what?? I am starting to think it’s just too much effort being with someone with depression, you tread eggshells all the time, can never predict their mood, spend hours worrying about them, do everything you can to make them happy and due to lack of empathy none of this registers with them.

I hope he can escape this black hole he’s in and get back in contact with you I really do.

Take care

Lillie xx

[ariane]

Another evening crying myself to sleep.
No words from any of his friends although they all said they’d ring me last night.
Message read but unanswered.
Looks like he doesn’t care and neither do his friends... did he lie to them about the meds and the thoughts? Or worse did he lie to me about them because he wanted an out with me
He did say last wkend he would miss me this wkend as I couldn’t go. Is he trying to punish me because I can’t be there?
Too many questions. I feel numb and exhausted. Never in a million years did I truly believe I would be here again

[james80]

Oh ariane I'm so sorry to read your latest update this morning.

Like Lillie you've done so much for him, everyone has their limit though. We are humans and we have needs. You cannot go on indefinitely with a one sided relationship. You just end upblosing yourself in the process. The pushing and pulling just seems to show where their minds are but it's so cruel, intentionally or not.

The more I think about some of your situations the more I realise I should feel lucky that my own situation ended so soon and she never did any of that to me (the only pushing and pulling comes from my own head!) For those of you in longer term relationships I can only imagine how you are feeling. This illness robbed me of potential but stole something more precious from you and I'm so sorry.

Use this place to vent. We are all here for you.

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I hope you feel a bit better this morning. I honestly think he has stopped taking his meds and has set himself back to where he was before. His friends maybe can’t get through to him either so have nothing they can tell you. I guess all you can do is hope he pulls out of this and realises he needs to be taking his tablets or he will loose everyone who cares about him. Hard as it is I think if it was me I would try not to contact him and wait. Maybe if you hear nothing in a couple of days send a messenge asking how he is.

Let me know how it goes today. I’m stuck at home waiting for delivery of a new sofa.

Take care

Lillie xx

[ariane]

Sitting on the bus with my eyes closed on my commute to work this morning. To anyone i look like any standard commuter taking a nap before a busy day in the office. But inside i have that gripping fear deeply weighing in the pit of my stomach and that lump in my throat. These panic attacks, i had them frequently as a child, feeling like my body might start to uncontrollably shake. But on the outside i look calm, that shaking, that uncontrollable feeling is only inside...
I know from conversation this weekend that his work is taking him to the city today, only a couple of streets away from where i am working.

I am not contacting him, I can't. Not the way I am feeling right now, the lack of response would send me over the edge.
How is it that i was able to deal on my own with redundancy, having to single-handedly move out of my home and project manage its refurbishment caused by poor workmanship. I am a strong woman how is it that i could do this but cannot deal with this situation right now.

I feel let down by his friends, even if they could not get through to him a simple text advising me that they tried, haven't succeeded but will try again would have put my mind at ease.

I agree he is off the meds. He gets so thick about things and was very annoyed with the GP the last time that i reckon this is the reason he still has not gone back. And drinking in the pub every night is so much better, right!! His friend told me yesterday on the phone that my guy was offered overtime work at the weekend which he refused because i was coming over. he had picked me over drinking money...

He is right that the changes have been numerous and fast but they have been good changes. But i suppose maybe it is hard at the age of 42 to leave behind everything that you have known eventhough you know that this is all for the best...

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I always find work a good distraction, I hope you do too. Having said that I’m not at work today as I had a new sofa being delivered. This is the first weekend I haven’t asked him if he wanted to meet for lunch and I’m awful tempted. Both my parents are unwell and it’s tough looking after them sometimes, I went to see them after the sofa arriived and much as I love them it was draining. He was always so good at hugs and comfort, I really miss that. So I’m testing myself, I’m not going to offer lunch, I’ll see if he asks, I doubt he will though.

I hope you can find something this weekend to distract you. I know only too well that the lost, empty feeling just gets worse if you sit at home alone.

What do you think you will do if he gets back in contact?

Take care

Lillie xx

[ariane]

Hi Lillie,

Well work proved to be horrendous, one of these days that you wish you did not get out of bed for. I was upset coming in and more upset now after a very aggressive encounter with one of my team. Usually he would be the one person to calm me down so I am at a loss as to who to vent to!
What a nightmare!!!

Of course he has not been in touch. He finishes early on Friday so I am assuming he is in the pub now...

I still want to be there for him... Am i crazy?

How did your new pet hamster settle in? You are very strong not to ask him to meet. I don't think I can be that strong, even not texting is difficult.

I have my daughters this weekend, so i will be busy even if it is just breaking down fights between them. I may take my punchbag out once again, beats feeling sorry myself.

A xx

[lilliep]

Hi Ariane

I’m sorry it was such a nightmare day for you xx

You aren’t crazy still wanting to be there for him. I’m feeling the same way about my man. I know tonight he will probably be out clubbing with his mates all night, drinking too much and will spend all tomorrow recovering. I wish I could stop him doing that and take him out for a lovely meal tomrrow to celebrate his good news. It’s hard not to offer him that but I’m not going to. He will be seeing his children on weekends soon so the drinking and clubbing will have to stop then.

Arys is a gorgeous hamster, he’s so friendly. Because he’s so young he’s always wanting to run off and investigate things and I have to keep a watchful eye on him when he’s out of his cage. He tried to remove the buttons from the TV remote when he was out on the coffee table yesterday!

I’m glad you have company this weekend. It might not distract you but it will keep you occupied. Vent on here if you need to. I’ll be about and I really do understand how you feeel right now.

Sending hugs xxx

[sallyc]

Hi guys. I haven't been online for quite a while. I had to try and get off as I was more online reading about depression than I was trying to live my life in the 'real world'. I wasn't moving forward and actually felt that I was getting low.

It is heartbreaking to see that the two promising relationships on here are now suffering. I am truly sorry that you Lillie and Ariane are going through hell again. This disease is so cruel and I want to reach out and give you both a big hug xx

I'm trying to move on. I've come to the conclusion that he won't be getting into contact so have him blocked off everything as he was playing games by blocking and unblocking me on Facebook. I had to do it for my sanity. I'm not constantly thinking about him anymore although he does enter my head every day at some point. He's not always my first thought in the morning or last one at night anymore.

I still love him with all my heart though. I actually went on a date last Saturday which was a disaster. The fella only went and took me to the place I went for my first date with the ex!!! I couldn't get my ex out of my head and felt so sad that I wasn't there with him so I had to tell the fella after our date that I wasn't over my ex and that I was sorry. I hated making someone feel so bad but he understood. So no more dating for me for a good while.

James how's the house move going? Arwen, how are you? All the others on here I hope you're all well?

xxx