Depressed girlfriend has ended our relationship

[james80]

The hardest thing is that there is no way of knowing. She may move on. But she may come back. But if you push her right now (and I know how easy it is to do that I think every one of us on this thread or the other did the same) she will rub a mile and even if she does regain her feelings it might make it too hard for her to come back even if she wants to.

My situation is not dissimilar to yours. Only I am 4 months down the road and my experiences may help. Me and my ex were only together for 4 months but have known each other for almost 10 years. Our relationship was the usual story, very loving. Quite intense. Felt like no other relationship I've ever been in, just right (this seems common to most people who end up here!). She told me she'd had feelings for me for a long time (she didn't say how long but I get the impression we are talking years not months, there has always been something unspoken and unacted upon between us because one or both of us havr always been involved with someone else). I lost my fiancee to Leukaemia in January 2017 and was suffering with that grief for the first half of last year. She brought me out of that. Once she broke up with me ("I can't be the girlfriend I want to be or you deserve while I'm dealing with my problems. I still think the world of you. We must stay friends don't ignore me") I probably didn't take it too well as I have my own issues of abandonment and unresolved issues following my fiancee. After a month of sporadic contact she went quiet...actually after I reached out to her best friend to check she was ok...she contacted me to say she was fine to look after myself. Then nothing really over Christmas and New years. I sent her a birthday card in January which she thanked me for but nothing else. . I finally broke contact on Valentine's day as I couldnt stand the limbo any more. I wrote her a letter telling her i loved her and missed her and that what happened between us in the future was up to her. No ultimatums or demands. She did message me Then, thanking me for the letter but telling me to move on. Meet someone else. That I will do better than her and no-one wants a nutter anyway. I was upset but appreciated the nice response. Then two days later she unfriended me from Facebook saying I was freaking her out and stalking her (I wasnt) we exchanged some more heated texts and I actually confronted her a bit, something I hadn't done before. She admitted that she had loved our time together (she's careful to never say she loves or loved me. Even though she'd tell me that all the time before) confirmed that she had liked me for a long time before we got together. That I hadn't done anything wrong but that "I don't have those feelings any more". I've not messaged her since Then, although of course we do have contact in work (which has actually improved a lot since this time).

I struggle with how her feelings can be gone. She seemed so in love (and I reciprocated) and especially if she has had feelings for me for longer than the four months we were together. It makes no sense. She also knows what I've been through and I am certain she wouldn't have put me through any pain on purpose. I've said before how I think she might be seeing someone else. Well she spends a lot of time with one guy (a friend) but mutual friends pointed me towards his Facebook profile and there are some pictures on there that make them seem more than just friends. It's not a typical for depressed people to jump into new relationships, to seek out some excitement or just help stave off the loneliness. Especially if it's a casual or bad relationship then there won't be that weight of expectation again. Then again you cant dosmiss the chancr that the new relatio shop might be what they need. Our relationships were perfect for us. But not everyone wants the same thing?

But I am not angry with her. I have no resentment. I've been shocked by how people in work have dismissed what she's going through. "OH that's just what she's like. You are better off without her." It's been quite eye opening really. I see her every week and I've seen the change in her. She's clearly been hurting and hiding it. She too has gone out a lot with friends. Bought a lot of new stuff. I just see this as ways of dealing with her pain. Socialising is good. Less good is heavy drinking (and tbh that's what she seems to do with this guy which bothers me more than the thought they are together). I can see now that she is slowly emerging from her dark place. The girl I know is becoming more visible. Will she regain her feelings for me? Maybe. But maybe not. And even if she does she may not want to get back with me anyway. I believe she thinks I'm better off without her. And possibly I am a source of stress for her anyway. I know she wants the sort of life and relationship I can offer but she may not be in a place she can handle it. That's very sad. I'd get back with her tomorrow if I could. But dwelling on that won't help either of us. I am looking after myself and moving on with my life. It's possible this may motivate her. It may make me seem attractive to her again. I haven't shut her out but I'm not waiting for her either. I will not be a source of anxiety in her life.

Stay strong. I've found this situation amongst the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life. And that is up against some stiff competition. You cannot let the pain of this consume you. We are not ill. We have a choice to rise above it.

[cc86]

Wow James, you seriously have had some heartache to deal with and I really feel for you mate. I would say the sequence of your events in your current ex losing her feeling for you is very similar to mine, although my ex refuses to acknowledge there is a problem and that I am essentially the cause of her anxiety and feeling down.
I have done a lot of self reflection today, chatting to my parents and I am starting to realise that things were not right, some of the things I liked about the relationship were a bit shallow and material which is not healthy but there is also the emotional connection I had with her. This is what I find hard to detach from. Whether it be family issues, her Mother's death, work problems she would confide in me and almost make me go through the issue with her so I feel we had this deep connection that I hadn't had in previous relationships.
I have sent the email apologising for my behaviour recently and tried to reset the balance after coming across as needy, so hopefully if I leave her be the negative feeling towards me may subside and she will remember the positive aspects of the relationship. My only fear is that before I pressured her I had said after our final meeting on Thursday last week that I would leave her be for a few weeks in the hope we could catch up and reconcile. This morning after pressuring her she texted me with a message she had already typed up basically saying that she didn't need to wait a few weeks as ultimately her mind is set that this isn't right and she doesn't want to hurt me or stop me moving on faster, She said that whilst we had some special moments that she will cherish, we are not right for each other and that's it. It all seemed very final, very structured and certainly wasn't written in haste so I really don't know what hope I have.
I guess the one thing she hasn't been able to do yet is miss me, miss the things we used to do together and maybe it will take going on a date with someone else to realise that. I just hope that is a possible outcome still if I leave her well alone for now.
One of my biggest issues is I'm not used to being alone and am not particularly good at it, so I tend to try and fix things and if I can;t fix it look for a replacement. I know I need to hold out this time until I know she's either moved on or really isn't going to change her mind.

[james80]

Sounds like you are on the way to recovery.

It's a really hard process. The close emotional connection is something a lot of people notice in relationships with people with depression etc. That is what baffles you isnt it? How can ypu be so close to someone at one point then suddenly so distant? So hard to comprehend.

A phrase I've never liked or understood is "if you love something let it go..." But I do think it fits this scenario. Hopefully she will recognise she has a problem and address it. If she does then who knows? She might remember what you once had and find her way back. Tbh that's the only hope I retain for my situation. She may be distant from me now but when she feels better about herself maybe she will remember what we briefly had? It's a slim hope but I can't lose it completely, even though it would be easier if I did. In the meantime all I can do is move on with my Life. At some point either it will happen, or it will.become clear Its a pipe dream, or I'll meet someone else!

[mimosas]

I wish I could re-establish contact with mine, just to make sure he is ok more than anything. Rightly or wrongly I did message his friend last night ( after drinking too much) I need answers now. Friends are saying too long move on, trying to fix me up, I'm back on dating sites knowing I can't even think about seeing someone else, I'm on there for the conversation . I'm feeling that I don't like myself at the moment so why would he want me back .... in his eyes all I am doing is causing more problems.

I need to give myself a kick up the backside. Knitting will be my saviour today.

Love to you all x

[james80]

It's been interesting looking at CCs situation as it does have some parallels to mine in the way it's occurred at least (although we didn't row) and it's allowed me to look at my own situation a bit more dispassionately.

I've not been angry with her through this really as I've made so many allowances for her being ill. But I am a bit now, although it's more with the situation than her I guess. There was nothing wrong with our relationship (she's acknowledged this) she knows who I am and what I can offer her. She knows my baggage and my faults too. She also knows she was happy. Whatever the status of her current relationship is it appears precisely the sort id relatuonsio shes had before and was trying to get away from as they always ended horribly. It's just horribly horribly unfair for every one involved . I'm now being forced to move on and probably sit and watch from the side lines as she has another car crash relationship. Or at best one that is so beneath her.

I know I can meet someone else and I'll be fine. It's just so frustrating.

[cc86]

Evening both, I really do feel for each of your situations...it is seriously a horrible place to be in and ultimately makes you feel so helpless. I admire both of you with the resilience you are showing in holding out with hope.

Today was a struggle working and I now find myself pining for my ex and wondering if she's thinking about me. This is the first day since she ended it that I have not tried some form of contact. I started to write a letter earlier that I was thinking about sending but on reading up regarding no contact and the hope of my ex cooling her feelings, I decided it probably won't do me any good and may just look as a further act of desperation.
My biggest fear is that this isn't actually depression as far as my ex is concerned as she's said that she is happy when with friends and it's just being with me and her work that brings out the worst in her. We have had a lot of ups and downs, and both are very opinionated at times so we have clashed but following the short (week long) split back near Christmas I really listened to my ex, I stopped being so intense and quizzing her and she essentially did what she wanted, when she wanted. The fact that the sudden change in heart (from wanting to book a holiday and do things as a couple in the near future to a week later seemingly wanting no further ties with me or my son) coincided with a very stressful period at work suggests maybe she is going through a depression episode but I just don't know. All her messages since have been so clinical and matter of fact that I am to blame, that I sabotaged the relationship and I should accept it and move on. Is this just anger and raw emotion talking? Will space and time relieve that and by disappearing off the radar, will it make my ex miss me and eventually reach out for me? This is so hard to deal with right now as I just want to get back to the happy times and feel I could easily eradicate any bad issues.

[james80]

You did well not to contact her. That gets easier. Well done!

If it isn't depression, if she doesn't miss you and moves on then really...the relationship was not going to work anyway. Or alternatively moving on is what she needed to recover, at which point you need to accept that and be happy she has managed to come out of a dark place. . But if you truly believe she loved you and that actually the relationship was not to blame (every relationship has issues doesn't mean it's a bad relationship) then you have to have faith that she will see this when she starts to recover. From your descriptions it does sound like depression (or something along those lines). I often struggled early on with the 'mask'my ex put on. So on social media she seemed fine and happy. Was going out with friends etc but that's only part of the story. Depression often is good at hiding itself. And that's part of the problem with a significant other, they can see through that mask and their concern etc magnifies the depression and makes the sufferer feel worse.

When you look online for similar stories you are That most do not survive this experience. But that only tells half the story. Sometimes the depressed person is in too deep and doesn't recover. In that case there are deeper problems and there are real dire circumstances and the important thing is that person's health. The relationship is an irrelevance. Sometimes the depressed person recovers but the process of recovery changes them and they move on through necessity. Sometimes they do recover and they miss their ex amd regret their decisions but either the shame they carry stops them from reaching out, or the process has taken so long the other person has moved on. Then there are plenty of examples of relationships cycling. People break up and make up often with quite long periods between. I'm not sure if these are success stories or not.

If you love her then hang on. How long you do so is up to you. Everyone has their limit and there is no be shame in saying enpugh is enough.

I think the bottom line thing to always remember is that the MOST important thing is their mental health. If you take a look at some of the other forums on this site you can see the very real pain that our loved ones are dealing with. That should not be underestimated. Most of the time they aren't with us because they honestly cannot be.

[cc86]

Evening James,

Thanks for your reply earlier today...I completely get what you're saying but my only concern is that my ex doesn't have depression (just like she says), despite being prescribed anxiety tablets and coming under a lot of strain and stress at work lately.
Today, a close family member responded to the message she had sent apologising for how things ended. They told my ex there were no hard feelings and that they hoped things could be resolved. My ex responded by giving examples of why I pushed her away and said she would never get back with me.
Whilst it seems completely final now, I still do not understand how my ex can on a Saturday night talk about future plans, holidays and on the Sunday attend a family event to then the following Morning end things and as yet has not mellowed and looks to be trying to move on. This is without anything happening to ignite any anger, other than a minor disagreement. The sudden change in feeling and completely blocking me out surely is not "normal" (and like you I hate that phrase) behaviour? The way my ex has completely changed and wants nothing more to do with me ever is as if she had found me in bed with someone else or if I had done something drastically wrong but nothing like that, other than a mere difference in opinion which wasn't here nor there.
I am going to sit out the next few weeks and then maybe try and initiate contact with my ex, but right now she is so angry and has threatened with legal action if I turn up or contact her again. My biggest concern is now that she has all but forgotten me and is moving on with someone else. I wish I could see what is going on in her life, is she hurting, is she missing me but from what she has said to me (up until I went NC) and my family member it doesn't appear she cares and has her mind made up.

[james80]

I think you need to listen to your gut. It isn't 'normal'. You've had normal break ups right? They aren't like this. You can drift away from someone and that takes a long time. Or blazing row catastrophic break ups. In every sort of break up after reflection you can pub point exactly what went wrong. If it isn't anything like that then that points to something else being in the mix. Now that could be something like infidelity but tbh I think you'd find that out fairly soon and the behaviour would be different. From my own personal experience and all the reading I've done over the last few months it sounds mental health related to me. There are other issue it could be apart from a depressive episode. Relationship OCD. She could be a narcissist. Shed need to see a professional to be diagnosed though. Without that you may never know.

A lot of people with depression (which I'm going to use as a catch all phrase) don't admit it. The problem with that attitude is that they do not seek treatment either, which hubders recovery. But her denying it doesn't make it so.

[cc86]

That's what I keep telling myself...that the sudden change isn't normal. That said I had a few suspicions recently that there was someone else as she was spending a lot of effort on her appearance and going out with friends a lot. That said though, I don't believe for one minute that if she was hiding something like that, she would've attended our family event the night before ending things or talking about plans together and acting as normal the night before that.
Whilst we have had our issues, the majority of these were aired and brought under control in our mini break for a week in January and she's pretty much done what she has wanted to in the time since then.
Although things weren't perfect it's almost like a bomb going off and her feelings just vanishing. When she texted my family member back today she appeared OK in herself, blaming me for the breakup and saying she would not be getting back together.
Tomorrow marks a week since I saw her in person, she told me it was over and her words "This relationship is over now and I do not wish to try again" were repeatedly said. I just do not understand how you can withdraw all feeling. I wrote a letter earlier trying to explain how things could be and bringing up the good aspects but on reading up online and speaking to close friends I don't think it's wise to send it at present. I think right now my action plan needs to be remain no contact, let whatever feeling (especially after the legal threat) subside and then in 2 weeks attempt to contact her with a basic phonecall (messaging is blocked). What do you think to that plan? I am scared that she may be moving on, even though I cannot understand how she could lose all feeling suddenly, the fact I saw she had been back on a dating site scares me as she had deleted the app and had a new phone. This really is knocking me for six, struggling to eat, sleep or get out of bed in the mornings. The waiting is agony, and when I read her comments like today maybe it isn;t a waiting game and I have to accept it's over and I will never get another shot at things.