Don't know what to do

[notagain]

I very new to this. My first post. But need to start somewhere. Life has been very very difficult everything right from the start, bullied at school, I am dyslexic so school was really stuff. My school called me a failure... but managed to get a degree. (This was not easy another challenge). I am lucky to have motivation and deminataion. Everything do to do just goes wrong. I was with someone who for 7 years took advantage of me. I left and started life with just a bag. My family were totally supportive. Managed to get a job and after many man years of being a singleton I found my soul mate... Together for nearly 7 years it's not been easy. Then in 2014 I became pregnant and life was really really hard as I suffered from severe morning sickness or HG where I would be sick upto 70 times a day. I was sick just with water. Was mediciated but this did not work a great deal. I was sick an hour before labour. I was 2 weeks late I was an unlucky one but also know how lucky I was. Then I lost my amazing great supportive stepdad who never got to meet my child. I was 5 weeks from d day but he lost his fight to the big C. Then feller was experiencing a very difficult work getting bullied is the only word... He managed to get another.... That when the debt started. As I was on maternity pay and still having to pay majority not the bills as he had to take a pay cut. My mental health has gone down hill but hide it very well. I cry most nights. I now have a brilliant child who has a extremely challenging.. And constant health issues which is a battle with doctors and hospitals. I been working full time but don't earn a great deal. I don't want to rely on benefits. Life is now taking a massive turn and worried about my mental health. My partner works shifts and he is not around as he working long hours. My child in nursery costs a fortune... But i know nursery is an amazing place for him. I am lucky to have a nursery with so much land and spends a lot of time outside. I been relying on cc to pay bills etc balancing transfers etc. But now I missed one payment as I was taking my child to a&e and forgot. Now the balance transfer is ending. My partner knows how bad it is but is digging his head in the sand... He worried but nothing I can do. Our car is failing but we can't afford to fit or get another one.... I am grieving for the pregnancy I never had and grieving for another child but can't risk going through that again.... I am stressing about money.... My head hurts and keeps me awake. I have many friends but most know of my situation but am too embarrassed to talk to them, or they have their own challenges, no one that lives local. My family live far away or going through pain. My mum lost her soul mate and she not in great health. She do anything for me but she has enough going on in her life. I don't want to be burden. I go to bed most nights crying... Dreaming of a lottery win, or winning a competition like this morning, or that dream holiday. My partner and child have not gone on a property holiday. We visit family but that can be stressful. Staying with in-laws can be stressful and I can't relax... I have a stressful job which I am good at and support people who would be homeless.... I totally enjoy my job. But I know I am beginning to crack. All the worries on the world the debt, the car my partner works an hour away and no transport, so the car breaking is another stress, grieving for no more children and the pregnancy I should have enjoyed but spent many many days in bed with a sick bucket... Worried about my relationship as the stresses as showing due to my child does not sleep we both shattered. My weekends just want to sleep. Crying going to bed and sometimes when I wake up, feeling isolted, eating rubbish.... I don't know what to do,. Life has always been a fight but feel that I can't get up with everything... I want to be a great mum but at present I feel like a complete failure...... I beginning to think this as my mates seem to have that life thats goes ok with some ups and down mine seems to up high and then hit a very big low up again and down again... But my down is getting longer and can't see a way out.....

[vitasw]

Hello notagain,

Welcome to the forum! I hope letting that all out helped.

I'm almost too intimidated to reply (I don't want to say something silly or shallow) because it sounds like you are going through a lot of incredibly difficult experiences and I can only imagine how overwhelming that must be sometimes. You are not a burden or a failure. I think you could really do with some support, in whatever way that means (counselor, doctor, local group etc). It seems very difficult for you now, with your mum trying to cope with her loss and your partner working. It sounds like you could really do with someone to support you and remind you to be kinder to yourself.

All the best,

V

[rachaelkavita]

Hi there!

Firstly I would like to say you are not a failure - f**k your school, you got a degree so you have already proved them wrong. You motivated yourself to do that in spite of the bullying and in spite of being told your a failure - and not everyone can do that.

I also really feel for you, it sounds like you are going through an incredibly rough time. I'm not sure if any of this will help but I'm going to list a few things which you may or may not find useful. You may well already be aware of them.

Try https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/ and see if they can give you any advise on managing your debt. I suspect you've already cut back a lot but I'm also going to throw this one in here https://cookingonabootstrap.com/ - a whole website of cheap recipes that may or may not be useful.

It also really sounds like you need some face to face support so if you can try and get an appointment to a GP - tell them you are struggling, tell them about the grief - they may be able to refer you to someone to talk to. I suspect your Mum would probably like to help you too even if she does have a lot going on her life right now and she might also need someone to talk to if she is also grieving? I can only speak from my own experiences but I know talking can help me work out my problems myself simply by saying them out loud to another person, but everything is different for different people.

Take every day one step at a time. Life can be incredibly overwhelming at times so I'll pass on the advise my counsellor gave me once. Pick just three things you want to achieve that day. They can be something as simple as doing the washing up. At the end of the day if you have done them you have succeeded. Start small until you have enough energy to do more.
If you're awake at night worrying about things you need to do. Take a piece of paper write them down ready for the morning and try to sleep - sometimes this helps me because it then feels like I have a plan.

I hope you get the help you need to make it through this. You have already survived so much keep going.