Living with HPD

[mihaela]

My friend who's now been living here with me for four months has histrionic personality disorder. Although undiagnosed, which is normal for most people with PDs, she easily satisfies the criteria.

She lies compulsively, often for no reason at all. She's lied so often that I don't what is true and what isn't, which makes it impossible to trust her. She's even lied to cover up earlier lies. Also she hasn't been paying her way, but that's less important to me.

She came into my life in the classic way that HPDs do this, starting with weeks of drama and tears until she joined me here, when her attitude changed - because she'd got what she wanted. She craves attention, and is unhealthily obsessed with her appearance and youthfulness. Her emotions are flat and unstable. She lacks empathy and even openly admits it. She also seems to lack much of a conscience, and admits she's selfish. She's also impulsive and potentially promiscuous. All this is quite typical of HPD.

The problem for me is that I care too much - if that's possible. I'd do anything for her if only she'd get well, and I've always gone out of my way to do things for her, but it's all so one-way. I get very little back, but what I do get means such a lot to me. She wasn't happy at her flat, and since she moved to England about 18 months ago, she's lived at five addresses and had umpteen jobs and many holidays abroad, but at last she now has more stable work, up to 60 hours a week and somewhere she can call home Despite our disagreements, I feel she is more stable here than when she was in that flat where she often complained of loneliness.

Although part of me would like her to leave and find somewhere else, I'm also afraid that her life would go into decline again. I want to help her, because it's so obvious that she desperately needs help - and so do I. At least I never stop seeking help, but so far she hasn't sought help for her 'problem' as she often calls it. I find it very hard to reason with her - almost as if she has a mental block. Her concentration span is very poor, and she often talks of 'clearing her head'.

Very few people would have been able to put up with her behaviour for as long as I have done. Maybe it's because of my high empathy and autistic persistence and loyalty - but it's certainly not doing my mental health much good.

If anyone has any advice, it would be very welcome. Thanks.

[teamn]

Hiya,

You sound lovely, and compassionate, and such a good friend. But don't make your giving nature be a detriment to yourself, my short answer is ask her to leave, she's draning you and I sounds from what you've written so far, that it's a one way relationship, where you give and she takes, that's not healthy.

Give her a month notice, start 2018 fresh. She's not your child, and believe it or not, her nature will allow gr to find someone Lee to assist her, or you can assist her from afar, and have your home back.

Im in a bit of a mood today, so hopefully my words are not too strong, can't feel fluffy at the moment, but regardless f my mood I recognise that you need to do what's best fir you, unless you saw this arrangement as long term forever living together.

Much love.

[amaya]

I agree. You won't help her by facilitating her behaviours. She needs to work out for herself that she has a problem and get help for it. You can try talking to her first of course. But if she doesn't care enough about your friendship to take you seriously then I think you need to cut her loose.

No idea about diagnosis, but I once shared with someone I rescued from a domestic abuse situation and she turned on me in weird ways after the initial drama was dealt with, sounds roughly similar. It set my mental health way back too. You can't save other people. But you can support them if the relationship is healthy. But you know it is affecting you badly. So I would give her a chance to sort it out, one chance, and then do something else. Or she will never need to get help and you will only suffer whilst her behaviour can continue.

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Miha

I'm so sorry to hear how this has turned out, I know how happy you were to have the companionship.

It is such a shame that a second person is taking advantage, you deserve better. I have to agree with Natalie and Amaya, if all she knows is take and she is dragging you down then you have to look after yourself, otherwise you are heading down the path of co-dependency and all the unhappiness that brings until she has used you all up. On the other hand of course is how isolated you were before. How is your social life otherwise? Are you still getting out? Is the support group still running?

Despite spending my breaks posting here, I am really busy at the moment and have no strength left for much else but I will send an email or give you a call when I get chance, probably in a week or two. Always happy to get an email from you if there is anything you don't want to say here.

Best wishes, as ever

Your friend

ATTMP

[Isap]

Hi Mihaela

You are such a lovely person that you deserve better. I guess she is from Moldova too. I agree with everyone here. Im sure you could find a better flatmate

Isap xx

[mihaela]

Thanks everyone for your replies. They're more or less what I feared. Two RL friends have told me similar.

The trouble for me is that rationally I know what I should do, but emotionally I'd feel I was betraying her,being cruel to her. I feel so sorry for her. I cry over her sometimes. I feel so utterly helpless. I know the prospects for improvement are pretty bleak for people with her disorder, but there are a few (partial) success stories out there. I know I'm not strong enough to help her on my own, and I don't want to be doing anything to make things worse for her. (It's a very fine line) But I'll try a bit more to convince her that she needs help.

I've told her that she's welcome to find another place if that will make her happy (but I fear that it won't), and she warily asked if I'd let her come and visit me. I said of course I would, and she could stay whenever she wanted. Her home would still be here for her. I see her as the daughter I never had, and I worry as a parent would worry. I've told her this many times. I don't believe anyone cares for her as much as I do - or ever has done. It's all so very sad.

I've gone through so much suffering in my life, that I risk taking another batch of it all for granted. I feel so mixed up emotionally, and I'll be using this thread to update you on this sad affair.

Thank you again, friends. x

[mihaela]

She left on 30th November, and a few days ago she defrauded me of 1000 pounds. The police are now involved, so thatțs two fraud cases running now. Why am I so very trusting?

Been suffering severe existential depression lately. really struggling and physically not too well either. The house is like a fridge without hot water and central heating. thinking of cancelling my phone/internet now - too expensive. barely eating. rang 111 this morning (i got up at 12.34 - ridiculous!) aches, feeling sick and feverish. awaiting a call back from a doctor.

[Isap]

Hi Mihaela

So sorry to hear what happened. You certainly didn't deserve it.

I hope things come right soon. I wish I could help you financially but I lost everything too.

I know you can get through this

Isap xx

[amaya]

Hey Mihaela, why is your heating and hot water off? I had that in the winter once and it is not good.

Don't cancel any services, just don't pay the bills. You will find the money in the future. It is better to have a little debt and the stress from that than to cut down your ability for contact and support. Please don't cancel the phone and internet. Keep talking to us and using your phone to get the things you need. Look after yourself first, finances will sort themselves out in the future somehow.

[Isap]

Hi Mihaela

I agree with Amaya your phone is vital for you. Can you borrow money off anyone until the current crisis is over?

Isap xx