Hi Isap I just read your thread for the first time. You are dealing with a lot and I find your strength inspiring. What country are you in and where do you come from if you don't mind me asking?
I have been reading Jon Kabat Zinn on mindfulness and he says it is okay when you find many thoughts and feelings arising, you can accept them without having to push them away or hang on to them. The important thing is to be aware of them whilst staying in the present moment. By observing instead of being carried away by them you find that they pass naturally. Having a completely clear mind is something that never happened to me, even when I meditate. So I find his advice helpful, because I can be the observer of all of it without trying to hard to achieve a particular state. I find this helps me to accept myself. I don't know if you are praticing the same kind of mindfulness but I thought you might find that interesting.
Thanks for sharing with us