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Im new and just want to give up

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
pebbles87
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:22 pm

Im new and just want to give up

Postby pebbles87 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:53 pm

Hello, I'm new to this site, I was desperately searching Google for some answers, comfort or just someone to listen and came across this site. I have no idea where to begin or how to summarise everything but here goes.

My partner of 10 years has been unofficially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD stemming from a childhood where he witnessed child sexual abuse. Before this he was told he was 'depressed'. After many many years of being passed from doctor to doctor, CBT and talks of all kinds of different therapy he is now seeing a 'therapist' once a week. It doesn't seem to be doing anything to help.

I am his unofficial career, I'm also a carer for my elderly mother and we have a 7 year old son.

I feel as though I am at breaking point. Mornings are the worst, every morning he texts me (his preferred method of communication) telling me how he is sick of his life, wishes he was dead, how we're not together anymore because I can't satisfy him, then by the evening (usually) he is full of apologies. At this point I should point out he VERY highly sexed. His fantasy is for me to sleep with other men which I don't want to do, this has been a topic we have discussed at lengths on many many occasions, his compromise is if I don't want to sleep with other men he should be able to sleep with other women, which I'm sure you can imagine absolutely devastated me. I feel I should also point out in fairness to him, he has always throughout our relationship told me how much he loves me, appreciates me, how he believes he would be dead without me etc. However he has also cheated on me an untold amount of times and has essentially said to me, despite knowing my feelings on the matter, that if the opportunity arises he will sleep with another woman. I therefore told him if he does that it will be the end of our relationship. He twists everything I say and turns it around the try and make me believe I am the one in the wrong, right now he is claiming I have broken up with him because I can't accept him for who he is, as though his desires and current behaviour is completely normal and I am being unreasonable. Please tell me if I am?!

He gets so angry at times and he scares me, he has smashed items in our house and put holes in walls etc, he has never been physically violent. Me and our son tred on eggshells around him and it breaks my heart to see my little boy like that! I have tried so many times to talk to him but everytime he twists everything I say so by the end I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore then accuses me of twisting things. I feel like I'm going insane!

In the times when he seems ok, he constantly apologies and tells me how he isn't good enough for me and how I would be better off without him. This has been going on for years, I'm terrified how it might be affecting our son, I try my best to shield him from as much as I can but he isn't silly, he understands daddy has a poorly brain but I feel he is being robbed of his childhood!
Can anyone please offer any advice or support, I feel so numb from it all.

bluebell123
Posts: 399
Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 9:09 pm

Re: Im new and just want to give up

Postby bluebell123 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 10:33 pm

Removed by the moderating team.

pebbles87
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:22 pm

Re: Im new and just want to give up

Postby pebbles87 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:38 am

depressedtodeath wrote:It makes me angry that you don't leave for the sake of your son. How can you be such an unloving uncaring mother not to have done this. Get your head out of the sand and leave this loser for your son's sake.



I reach out for help and get met with anger! How dare you judge me without knowing me, accuse me of being unloving and uncaring! My son adores his dad, his dad has attempted suicide a number of times and has made it clear there is nothing left for him if we leave! So how do you propose I explain to my son that his dad killed himself coz I left! Instead of judging and making disgusting assumptions, helpful advice would fantastic!! Don't assume you know my situation and make 'easy choices' from behind your computer screen!

Jazzdrop22
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jun 19, 2012 11:39 pm

Re: Im new and just want to give up

Postby Jazzdrop22 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:06 am

My God this poor girl reaches out for help and support and someone comes along and leaves a snide comment like that, how horrible is that. She is stuck in this situation of her husband possibly taking his life and that's all you can say :x

Pebbles I understand how hard your situation is my love.... you are tied because of the threats of suicide and the guilt trips....but you can't keep on trying if he is going to sleep with other people and behave like he is in front of your child. I know its scary to move on, maybe sit him down and speak to him and say its the last time you will warn him that if his behaviour doesn't stop you are, and will, leave him...tell him its his final warning and that this time he needs to take you seriously as you will leave, maybe tell him the ball is in his court now so what ever happens will be his decision. You really need to get proper advice from someone in the mental health field though, someone who can weigh up how serious his threats are. I have been where you are and still am to some degree and ive wasted my life and wish I had done things differently!! Please call the help line and get proper advice, I'm only another mum with a similar experience but I'm years ahead of you. Good luck and do let me know how you get on.

pebbles87
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:22 pm

Re: Im new and just want to give up

Postby pebbles87 » Sat Sep 16, 2017 1:37 am

Jazzdrop22 wrote:My God this poor girl reaches out for help and support and someone comes along and leaves a snide comment like that, how horrible is that. She is stuck in this situation of her husband possibly taking his life and that's all you can say :x

Pebbles I understand how hard your situation is my love.... you are tied because of the threats of suicide and the guilt trips....but you can't keep on trying if he is going to sleep with other people and behave like he is in front of your child. I know its scary to move on, maybe sit him down and speak to him and say its the last time you will warn him that if his behaviour doesn't stop you are, and will, leave him...tell him its his final warning and that this time he needs to take you seriously as you will leave, maybe tell him the ball is in his court now so what ever happens will be his decision. You really need to get proper advice from someone in the mental health field though, someone who can weigh up how serious his threats are. I have been where you are and still am to some degree and ive wasted my life and wish I had done things differently!! Please call the help line and get proper advice, I'm only another mum with a similar experience but I'm years ahead of you. Good luck and do let me know how you get on.


Thank you! I cried so much reading your response, just knowing someone is listening and experiencing something similar.
My partner is general ok when he's front of our son, he may be quiet or lock himself away in our room but our son understands daddy is having a 'bad day'. When it comes to smashing things etc that is never when our son is there.

What I really want to ask you and I really hope you don't mind me asking or think I'm rude, but did your children/child 'turn out ok', have they gone on to have happy lives? That's all I want for my boy, I just want him to be happy x

lucym
Posts: 36
Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2017 5:25 pm

Re: Im new and just want to give up

Postby lucym » Sun Sep 17, 2017 12:11 pm

Hi Pebbles,

I really hope you're ok and that the previous advice helped- it looked really supportive.
My partner has depression and is on the way to getting help- though the way the NHS is, it's a long drawn out process. He has previously told me that if he hadn't met me he thinks he might have attempted another suicide earlier than his previous one. Of course it's not the same as what your partner has said to you, but it comes with its own connotations and I still get where you're coming from.
I hope what I'm about to say is helpful to you. I think your partner really needs to get help and actually to commit to it. It looks like everyone around him is running around after him and looking towards his needs and trying to bring help but there doesn't appear to be any effort from his side, from what you've said.
You need to establish clear boundaries with him- your feelings are important too and he is trampling all over yours with his abusive behaviour. Yes he has depression and that's awful but he is not recognising your needs at all. Living in a cycle of 'violence' or at least aggression, cheating and fear- especially for your son, is doing you no good, a lot of harm it would seem. If you do manage to find the strength to give a final warning, please stick by it. Again I mean this with compassion and I'm sending you strength and support cos it sounds like you really need it, but remember it's no use you saying you can't take it anymore and that this is the last straw if you then falter out of sympathy only to find yourself in the cycle again.

Please take care of yourself, remember you are important. It also sounds like you have more to than enough practice in being sympathetic and compassionate so remember, you cannot cause his depression or his suicidal feelings- depression causes suicide. I hope he is able to get the right help for him.
I hope what I've said doesn't seem to hardline, you're in a pretty extreme situation and you have my every sympathy.
Best wishes x


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