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Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

If you're concerned about, or care for, someone with mental illness
deborah84
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:41 pm

Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby deborah84 » Sun Oct 04, 2015 2:10 pm

Hi All,

I am new here and I thought to hear your comments about my situation. My boyfriend of 3 years has been diagnosed with anxiety and then with depression. His GP suggested anti-depressants but he/ we are very hesitant as he doesn't know if this is the best option. He is also going to CBT sessions but doesn't seem convinced by the service...
My problem is that I don't know how to help him and sometimes I feel angry (at first I was mostly sad) at him for not helping with housework (not his favourite thing anyways) and for being so distant/ silent.
I really don't know how to handle it properly and as a result I feel guilty too, for not being as supportive as I would like to be. I am not sure if I should spend more time with him or I should do more things by myself? I am trying to suggest going for a walk together, watch our favourite sereis and trying to ensure he is eating as he lost his apetite. Not sure how to keep my feelings separate and not make him feel even worst and at the same time not loose myself. Any suggestions? Thanks a lot for your help. :)

aishae
Posts: 164
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:53 am
Location: Essex

Re: Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby aishae » Thu Oct 08, 2015 12:03 pm

Hello there, welcome to the forum.

It's so lovely that ur here seeking support for ur partner & ur relationship!

It can be hard taking medication & any form of talking therapy. It shudn't be any different but, from the males I've spoken to, it can be even harder for guys to seek the help mental illness requires. Having ur support will definitely go a long way in helping ur bf feel safe & confident to try different treatments. Is this his first experience of mental illness?

It is really tough for ur loved ones; sometimes even tougher than it is for the sufferer! It's more than ok to feel angry given how helpless u can feel not being able to make ur bf well & for how evil depression robs ppl of who they really are. My Mum has said to me that it's made me a complete stranger at times which is most painful to hear but, sadly, very accurate. When it comes to being part of a couple, it really is hard to feel the distance is to do with ur guys bond itself rather than if space develops with just a friend or even another loved one. Do u tell him how u feel? When I was still with my ex he found my condition extremely hard to cope with but talking & becoming more comfortable at discussing things honestly helped a lot.

Guess, as with most things, it's important to strike a balance between being able to still do couple things to sustain ur bond but equally being ok to go off & do ur own things as & when necessary. Whatever u do it says a lot abt u & ur relationship that ur on this site seeking help. Wishing u the best of luck with everything; remember talking & honesty is key!

Am here if u ever want to talk : )

deborah84
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2015 10:41 pm

Re: Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby deborah84 » Sun Oct 11, 2015 12:24 am

Hi Aishae

Thank you so much for your reply. It is really encouraging to read your message.

It is the first experience for him personally, but has been the case for some other family members (which I now realise we never really talked about before). He is open to his family about it but his closest friends don't live in the same place... I think for now is trying out the CBT approach rather than taking medication.

I think you are so right about talking and also keeping a balance, I suppose I am under a first "shock" as we have been each other's first choice all this time and with him not being at his most social times. Talking it is the hardest part, it is so difficult to be open while trying not to hurt his feelings. I also read that is always good to listen, otherwise I might end up trying to solve the problem.

Thanks again for your message, I really appreciate your help and advice. :)

aishae
Posts: 164
Joined: Tue Sep 01, 2015 10:53 am
Location: Essex

Re: Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby aishae » Tue Oct 13, 2015 11:18 am

Hello again, am so pleased to hr the msg was of use to u! You're doing ur best, as I'm sure ur partner is so hopefully things will improve for u both. Please hold on to that & be kind to urself!

Call on me anytime u wish ok. Take care : )

cameronp
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2015 12:46 pm

Re: Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby cameronp » Mon Nov 09, 2015 1:41 pm

This is my first post. My husband is suffering from depression. The downward spiral began 2 years ago, although I believe the root of the problem has existed far longer. He self-medicates with excessive alcohol. When I finally put my foot down a couple months ago and pointed out not only the alcohol abuse, but his need to get psychiatric help, he fought back. It was the worst time of my life - I guess if you are the whistle-blower, you sometimes get dealt the first blow by the person you are trying to help.. He is now in CBT and on anti-depressants, but seems to have a need to distance himself from me. I have pointed out to him that it is hurtful to me for him not even to ask how I am, or to attend a sporting event where he will talk to other parents, and pretend he doesn't know me. I could go on....just basic manners....he is so rude to me. Then I beat myself up because - he is ill, and who am I to be thinking "what about me??" I feel vulnerable and nervous that my marriage may be over, that maybe he just wants to get rid of me, and maybe its not the depression. Prior to this we never once spoke of breaking up, and always talked about our future together. My heart breaks.

loui
Posts: 11
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2016 5:37 am

Re: Dealing with my boyfriend's depression?

Postby loui » Thu Jul 28, 2016 7:38 pm

Wow, it's heartbreaking to see how much pain depression causes. Almost all of the stories are about a partner with depression that pushes away a wife, a husband, a girlfriend, a boyfriend. My story is quite the same, unfortunately. And I am absolutely heartbroken. Too bad that people, after writing their stories here, don't tell us how things worked out. It could give us some hope. At this point, I think I have lost my partner (well, ex partner now, he broke up with me three months ago). He used to be a wonderful man. Now he is mean and cruel and distant. He has become somebody else. And me, well, at times I feel that leaving is the best decision. Then, I feel guilty, because, you know, depression is an illness and nobody wants to have it. But when I do get closer and offer support, a huge process of mass destruction begins and later I feel broken and so, so sad.

I don't think I can get closer again. Every time I do, my lovely memories with him vanish a little more. And memories are all I have got, now that he broke up with me and is very busy with other women.

Depression is one hell of an awful illness. It destroys everything and everybody in the surroundings.

I hope that people who write here had a chance to get their life and their loved one back again.
Blessings to all of you!


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