should I fight or take time out?

[motherofrage]

I'm struggling with a lot of family crap at the moment, feeling in turn very angry, betrayed, abandonned, angry, confused, lonely - oh, and did I mention angry? I'm particularly anxious about a forthcoming family holiday, where I'll be expected to keep all those feelings under wraps to protect the others. Now a situation at work has escalated - some colleagues keep trying to dump jobs on me they should be doing themselves, not sharing information with me and generally ignoring anything I say. I get on well with my boss, and whenever I raise these problems with him he is supportive and promises to sort it out, but it doesn't last. The colleagues are always terribly polite, no bullying, but they always put me in a position where it would look and feel unreasonable for me to refuse. My boss apparently feels the same as he always somehow ends up supporting them, even after he's just told me he'd back ME. This time their behabious feels completely outrageous to me, as they have obviously lied to justify their behaviour, and I'm feeling incredibly angry, betrayed, confused (why do these things keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong?). I've been struggling with all kinds of symptoms of stress and, I think, depression for months (palpitations and chest pain, feeling weepy, exhausted, achey, not motivated to do anything beyond what's absolutely necessary, constantly angry and irritable, and sometimes having thoughts of suicide). I went to my GP about the phsical symptoms, but have so far held back on the rest, although I have told her that I'm having therapy because of childhood abuse. She has suggested signing me off, but I've so far resisted that. Partly because I'm worried about the stigma, partly because I don't want to let people down, and also because for the most part my work routine has actually been helpful - most of my colleagues are very nice. But now I just want to get away from it all, at least for a while. On the other hand I'm still coping (albeit badly), I'm not having a breakdown. Much as I want to escape the pressure, I also feel that it would be cowardly to do so, that I should somehow fight my corner more effectively than I have done so far. I don't know what to do - go back to GP and ask for a sick note, or keep trying to sort it out somehow? can anyone help?

[acorn]

Hello

In your situation I would take some time out as the work situation is obviously a hinderence to your mental health. Your gp obviously thinks that some time off would be helpful or she would not have offered and that's just knowing the trauma therapy you are currently going through. She seems to understand the impact of work on your mental health so my advice is to talk to her about it. Try a few weeks and see if it helps. There is disability legislation in place to prevent you from being dismissed due to mental health and only your boss needs to know.

[motherofrage]

Hi acorn, thank you for your response.

My GP has signed me off until Easter (anxiety with depression, stress and exhaustion - I was a bit shocked by that list, but actually that is pretty much how I feel), to be extended as necessay, and prescribed citalopram. My boss was fine about it, very kind, actually. 2 days in, the citalopram (or possibly just the sudden lack of need to keep it together?) is making me feel permanently wired, trembling, unable to sleep properly, with worries, doubt and endless guilt (am I really ill or just a drama queen? What did I do wrong for this to happen? I should be trying harder!) rampaging around my brain. I know this should subside after about 2 weeks, and I'll try and hang in there. Meanwhile I'll need to figure out what, and how much, to say about what's going on with me to my son, who is seven. Because his company always makes me feel better, he hasn't really seen much of my distress so far, and has never asked or said anything, but I think it's time now to give him some kind of explanation. I usually manage to find a way of talking to him about difficult issues that helps him understand without scaring him, but this is going to be tricky, and if anyone has any advice I'd be grateful for it!
And I've still got that dreaded family holiday hanging over me. At the moment I'm hoping that the citalopram will help me get through that ( by then it should have started working) and clarify a few things. In a way the "anxiety with depression" label might help me to start some difficult conversations, and find out who is going to be there for me, and who isn't. That is very scary, but I think I need to do it - it's a sort of "coming out", I suppose. I guess a lot of people here have been through that in one form or another?

[acorn]

Hello

I'm glad you have been signed off. Now you can focus on what you need to do to start on the path to feeling a little better. It's good your boss is being kind about it, that always helps. Hopefully they will also be supportive when you are ready to return. It could be the citalopram causing you to feel wired or it could be your illness. Side effects are usually worse when you initially start the medication then they tail off. If it's no better after a few weeks or it gets unbearable I suggest going back to your dr because there are other medications you can try. Coming out mental health wise is a scary prospect but it does help you to see who your real friends are. The ones that won't stick by you weren't having in the first place because sooner or later something is hound to happen they don't like better off finding out now.