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the mundane struggle

For sharing your experiences and feelings about mental illness
MythEagle
Posts: 1083
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:26 pm

the mundane struggle

Postby MythEagle » Wed Jan 15, 2014 5:08 pm

does anyone else understand where I am coming from with this?

I am trying to stop thinking "warped" thoughts and be more positive in the face of anxiety and depression but this is how today has gone...

    Forced myself out of bed at 9am after the alarm snoozed 3 times.

    Ate too much for breakfast.

    Decided I would achieve something today so planned for a walk - this took far longer than necessary as I then felt the need to download maps of the local area, compare paths on google maps and Ordenance Survey footpaths before I decided where I was walking - which is the normal walk with a bit added in the middle to make it a loop so no maps really needed.

    Faffed about trying to find everything I need, got stressed because I couldn't find things (waterproofs etc), got cross with the dog for whining in excitement.

    Got really angry at my "stupidity" for losing things and for faffing about. Managed not to SH

    Finally got out the door at 11:30

    Tried to avoid talking to a man who lost his dog right outside my house

    20 mins later found said dog and walked back home with it. Restarted walk.

    THought people at the bus stop were watching me.

    Tried to avoid giving directions to a woman who pulled her car over to ask me

    Avoided talking to 2 dog owners

    Thought I was being followed - it was the water bottle bumping up and down in the bag

    Got scared by the flapping noise of a flock of crows taking off

    Made it home and managed not to lose my temper as the dog shook all over the kitchen - mud everywhere

    Sat here posting comments to others thinking "what a hypocrite I am"

    THinking I am a fraud writing this and I should get up, stop being so damn wet and GET BACK TO WORK.

this is my daily, mundane struggle. I try to think better thoughts, but "know" deep down how utterly useless I actually am. What is the point? Even when I am working things aren't much better than this, I just mask it better. I'm going to post this before I just delete the whole damn thing. Looks like negative head is winning the battle. :cry:
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby belle » Wed Jan 15, 2014 5:19 pm

Hey don't be so hard on yourself maybe?
I procrastinate a lot about things.
At least you got out even though it felt uncomfortable - but you did do it.
I think I understand about the posting. Yes, sometimes it is easier to 'see' things a little clearer for someone else than deal with our own issues swimming backwards, uphill and in treacle!
Life can be a struggle but take care of yourself as much as you can while you feel like this.
xxx

MythEagle
Posts: 1083
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:26 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby MythEagle » Wed Jan 15, 2014 8:57 pm

thank you for replying Belle. I know I must take care of myself but tonight the self destruct button has been pressed and we are on count down for the latest explosion.
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

MythEagle
Posts: 1083
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:26 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby MythEagle » Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:20 pm

screw it.
the only option seems to be to go to bed. the dog is shaking cos she knows i am going to blow my top, and her shaking makes me angrier at myself. bed is the only safe option. Just praying the cat comes in when called or tonight is going down the pan fast.
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby belle » Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:40 pm

Sorry. Just got in.
What can you do to stop yourself falling?
Bed sounds safe and contained. Do you have any PRN meds?
Maybe best not to come out with the usual because that just winds me up.
Are you on your own apart from the animals?
If talking helps could you phone someone.
((xxx))

MythEagle
Posts: 1083
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:26 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby MythEagle » Thu Jan 16, 2014 5:57 pm

Belle, (HUGS) don't be sorry for not being around. I am glad you had better places to be!

I survived the rest of the night thanks to my wonderful animals, the dog pinning the bed clothes down one side, the cat the other. I couldn't get into trouble if I tried.

To answer your questions I do have some PRN meds but am down to the last few - they only let me have 2 weeks worth as they are addictive. The hoarder in me doesn't want to use the last ones in case I get really bad. Perhaps I should come up with a definition for "really bad"! I do live alone and couldn't bring myself to phone the only mate I have who kinda gets what I'm experiencing as she's just (this week) been diagnosed with a type of migraine that mimics stroke - literally she looks like she's having a stroke its bloody horrible - and that can be stress induced. I didn't want to add to her stress as she already had one of these migraines. (I'm about to take her to the GP now)

Today has been better because I have been productive. 5 mile walk, taken stuff to the charity shop, and fixed a laptop up so my mate can use it on her lap whilst she's laid up with the migraine. Achievement seems to make things better - but of course that just means not achieving anything has the opposite effect which isn't so good.


I best run. Can't be late for the GP even though they can be as late as they like for you!

How are you doing today Belle?

ME x
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby belle » Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:19 pm

Hurrah for the pets!! Well done them! Seriously they do use animals - mostly dogs I think - as therapy especially in hospices.
I'm totally with you on drug hoarding. I have to get mine weekly :roll: . I too have some for the permanent rainy day occasion if required. I think it helps me feel safer ironically.
Hope your friend gets on ok - sounds horrible.
I think I agree about the achievement business. When I am 'ok' I know doing a few tiny things will help but when I am 'bad' I can't do it. Incidentally by small it could be sort out the post, put the washing machine on, taking the rubbish out so mundane stuff but the practical organisation helps order/clear the clutter in my mind. Note to self - make a list of things like that for the next down on the roller coaster.
Take care xxx

MythEagle
Posts: 1083
Joined: Tue Jul 03, 2012 2:26 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby MythEagle » Fri Jan 17, 2014 6:29 pm

Never made that list, should have done when I was doing ok.

Taken my prn meds, at mates, battling being over stimulated. Want to harm to calm and get control
You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: the mundane struggle

Postby belle » Fri Jan 17, 2014 7:31 pm

No I haven't made a list either....
Been busy tidying up piles of paperwork - well just sorting them into different piles - and eating more casserole. Cooked way too much yesterday!!
Maybe you could slow down a bit and tell your friend you need half an hour to yourself so you can order your thoughts and avoid SH? Could you throw down your thoughts on paper to discharge them?
Please keep safe.
Xxx


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