confused trig

[loubat]

I harm a lot but keep finding scratches and cuts I haven't done or can't remember doing I really don't understand why. They are taking my things off me because of the harming but if this keeps happening I will never get them back and can't carry on much longer being so bored and fed up fukin me off I am such a fuked up freak

[belle]

Sorry you are having a hard time.
Can they help you work out when you have SH'd then?
It seems unfair to take stuff you if you can't work out when its' happened, although I realise they need to keep you safe.
Can you talk to the therapist about it maybe?
xxx

[NeverGiveUp22]

I used to have injuries I couldn't remember, and that was because I was dissociating so often (due to the stress of bringing particular topics up in therapy).
Maybe you could find out whether you can use your things, when supervised? If there was somewhere you could sit and they could keep an eye on you that might be okay. The other question being are there things you could be allowed, because you can't harm with them? I presume you have at least your phone as you're on here. What about games for on your phone? I know it's not much, but anything is better than nothing.

Thinking of you xxx

[loubat]

Hey belle I have just spoken with nurse and told her about the scratches and cuts I can't remember I hate talkin but know I have to be honest. Just hard to understand why its happening she said I can talk it through with my theropist tomorrow xxx
Thank ngu It happened after I rang my mom and she shouted some unrepeatable words and hung up so yes there was a trigger. Thanks it good to hear its not just me I really am confused about what's happening at moment and hate feeling so out of control.
I was allowed my art stuff yestaday while supervised and I have got kindle but they want me to rest but just can't at moment xxx
Thank you both for replying xx

[belle]

That sounds like a good idea to talk to the therapist.
Sorry you had a difficult call with your mum.
Maybe you could make a case that having your art stuff gives you some inner peace because you are focussed on something and it does rest your mind in a different way if that makes sense?
Call me think but a kindle is a thing you read books on - yes
I have loads of books I haven't read but find it too hard to concentrate. If I do read a bit I forget what I've read......
Keep safe and keep going Lou.
xxx

[NeverGiveUp22]

I feel with you. It is so confusing when things happen which you can't remember. I felt terribly lost and out of control during that period. It scared me so much. I know some others who've had similar experiences. It's your mind trying to cope with all that is happening and experiences you're reliving through therapy. As such it's part of the healing process, but I know it feels horrible. You're not alone. And we're here listening. Lots of hugs!

It's hard to rest, when you feel unsettled and bored. Maybe speaking to the nurse will have helped a bit. Can you get up and have a little walk around or isn't that an option today?

xxx

[loubat]

Thanks belle
Yes I will try to speak to theropist tomorrow if I feel better as not been allowed to go last few days not been well. I have finally realised that my mom doesn't want to know me so have to just move on it hurts but can't keep taking the rejection.
Yes they know how important my art is too me to keep my mind relaxed and have given me supervised time to draw but at the moment they don't want me out of bed so bit restricted hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Yes kindle is for books but also movies and music but with my bad temper again its been taken off me in case i smash it see I make things worse for my self xxx

[loubat]

Yes ngu its horrible never had it before and is very scary I have told nurse but feel stupid and weak for doing so she was very understanding though and tried to reasure me but times like this I just beat my self up mainly because I can not understand it and I have an obsession for having to understand things which is tiring in it self.
They don't want me to get out of bed at all really huni would love to have a walk about but they are obsessed with me resting at the moment xxx

[loubat]

Thanks Lu hugs back to youxxx

[NeverGiveUp22]

You're not stupid or weak. It takes a lot of courage to work through the darkest chapters of our lives. I was only partially successful, because there is still stuff I can't talk to anyone about, because it rips me apart. But at least some of it has healed and it doesn't hurt me on a daily basis as much as it did before.

I really understand that you want to understand what is happening to you (I'm the same ). Sometimes being able to put a name or label to it and understand a mechanism makes it less frightening. I can only guess, but to me it sounds as though your mind is trying to protect you from too much pain, hence the not remembering how you hurt yourself. I always felt it was like my body and my mind were for once separated. Sometimes the only way to end a state like that is to hurt yourself, but that isn't a conscious decision you're making.

I dissociated when something stressed me too much. That could be an upsetting phone call, a difficult therapy session, bad memories and for me it was a way to escape the pain for a while, at least consciously. I was quite clearly still in pain and acted on that, because they had to stop and restrain me at times. It's strange that something that helps us in the short term, can be so scary and disorienting. Talk to your therapist about it.

Well, you do need your rest. You're psychologically exhausted from the therapy and fighting all those demons as well as being physically unwell. The therapy and the kidneys on their own are a lot to deal with, let alone both together. You're stronger than you feel . Take care! You're such a lovely person!

xxx