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Can Marriage Survive Depression?

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Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby vernell » Wed Sep 05, 2012 1:33 pm

I was just wondering if anyone's marriage has actually survived depression. My husband is severely depressed and is currently staying at his mums as he doesnt know if he loves me anymore or wants to be with me and our young son. He has admitted he hasv a problem and has agreed to eventually go to counselling and I will go with him at first, as he did go when he was first diagnosed but refused to go back - however I think it has finally hit home now that there is a problem.

He has told me he feels numb and confused when he thinks of us as a family and 'dead inside', yet on times admits to wanting to be a family and alsp wanting to be 'normal'. He is on 50mg of sereline now, after being taken off citalorpam about 6 weeks ago as they beleived it was causing anxiety. Things hit a peak last weekend when he turned into a stranger - was drinking himself into oblivion and staying out all night partying. I had to get his mother on board as I thought he was losing it big time. He has since been staying with her but has come back to see us twice in 4 days and we have a Drs appointment tomorrow for him which Ill go along to.

Does anyone have any advice for me on how I can help heal our marriage as I love him dearly and want him well and happy with us. I tell him everyday that Ill always be here for him and whenever he is ready he can come home but I think IM expecting things to get better too quickly. Any advice or shared experiences would be appreciated.


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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby MythEagle » Wed Sep 05, 2012 4:18 pm

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice. I've only had 2 relationships and both were with other people with MH issues too, so those relationships were at times very hard work! I believe that love can overcome anything, but it takes hard work, and both parties. One person can't save a relationship, it has to be a joint effort. But if you continue to support your husband into therapy then I would think that you are on the right track, it won't be easy, but you already know that, but with support from all sides the chances are good that your husband will come back to be much more like the person he was, maybe even better and stronger for the experience.

I think you're amazing for supporting him through this. Have you tried to talk to other carers? They may be more able to provide you with this type of information. Most people here seem to have a MH illness which kinda makes us a bit biased in my opinion.

Best wishes

You are braver than you think, and stronger than you know.

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby vernell » Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:20 pm

Hi Edan

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunetaly I dont know any other carers whom I can speak to. Until now, I have had no 'dealings' with depression so am totally bewildered by it all and so scared at the prospect of losing my husband because of it.

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby oobydoobie » Wed Sep 05, 2012 6:47 pm

My newspaper

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby loz7 » Wed Sep 05, 2012 7:52 pm

I've been married for nearly 10 years now and have been living together for 11. My wife has been mildly to severely depressed all that time. We've got kids. I've had periods of mild depression too.

It can seem like hell on earth on some of the blackest days, but on some it can be great. How sympathetic is your GP? Do they 'get it'? A health professional who understands depression is really key to you and your husband coping. There are plenty of other anti-depressants they could try you on, in my experience you're pretty lucky if you're matched up with one that works for you first go (I'm on fluoxetine, tried other SSRI's and didn't get on with them, it works great for me).

I think what you may be hearing from him is 'the depression talking'. When my wife describes feeling like that, she says it's like looking at life through a really mucky window: it colours everything and drains the life out of it. In our case, when my wife feels that way, we now know what it is and we can cope with it (ie it doesn't feel like the end of the world anymore). When she's not feeling depressed things are great and it's like she's back to normal.

I think all the advice about talking to your local Mind or similar is really sensible. You'll find everyone there 'gets it' and they'll help you find other help.

Good luck

'One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...'

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby JRB » Thu Sep 06, 2012 1:51 pm

I am married and in our case I was the one with the depression and my husband was the one that had to cope. I still get bouts every now and then but I feel more in control nowadays. So technically Our marriage did survive depression.
If your husband is anything like me even if he gets "better" he will always feel guilt for putting you through it. The problem I find with depression is you never recover from it in the same way as a stomach bug. It can reoccur at anytime. Its just getting the skills to deal with it. This applies to both me and my husband. I worked on getting the skills to recognise when I was hitting a low point and how to counteract it if I could and my husband had to develop the skills to cope with me becoming slighly insular while I dealt with any episodes. Depressed people can be very selfish and so it takes alot of energy from their partners to wait and remain feeling loved while a person recovers.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He got me through a really bad time and still says he loves me which is all I need. I'm grateful for his patience and kindness and sometimes his intolerance of my behaviour. We have been married for five years and have no children as yet. But I hope you find this post useful. I hope you can find the energy to stay supportive as you are doing as I know I found my husbands support invaluable and am very grateful he stuck it out even when I was being intolerable.

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby vernell » Thu Sep 06, 2012 7:49 pm


Thank you all for replying. Unfortuneatly my husband told me today that he has met someone else this week who 'makes him forget everything'. He told me that he was confused as did want our family but this girl makes him happier than me. I can only assume Ive lost him for good. He has been staying with her when he told me he was with his friend. Im heartbroken as I was prepared to stick by him and fight for our young family but he obviously doesnt want it that way.

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby Forester » Mon Oct 08, 2012 5:35 pm

When I read your first post, and the word Sertraline, my first reaction was, he'll find another woman, and sadly reading your last, this has happened. I was married 28 years, divorced just before our 30th - I had to divorce him for my financial safety, and you will have to look to your finances smartish. And still my husband pretends she's not in his life, even though they've been together 18 months. I am not a health professional but from what I saw with my husband Sertraline sent him into a constant hypomanic state, he matches every symptom. Mine lives in a fantasy world, not far enough removed to be unbelievable, and even I would believe some of the things he says if I didn't have the evidence otherwise.
You have 2 things in your favour, firstly he's moved in with this woman, that means everyday reality will invade, whereas mine in his words sees his girlfriend for sex and convenience - and he spends shedloads of now borrowed money on her as part of the mad party. More importantly, yours has agreed for you to come to support sessions with him. I could have, and should have insisted on being a part when I had a chance. A friend who did, and fought tooth and nail to continue to be a part of the counselling, went through hell, but is now very happy with her husband, who is now on effective medication and although much is a hazy memory has been helpful to me in giving insights. Be braver than me. Right now he isn't your husband, something is sparking out in his head, but your husband is in there.

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

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Re: Can Marriage Survive Depression?

Postby Zardos » Tue Dec 11, 2012 10:34 am

for Vernell,

Any advice or shared experiences would be appreciated.

I don't have much advice on this one i'm afraid... Love is indescribably infinitely complex... but as for a 'shared' experience ? the 'wife' and i have been together since 85... we have two children... grown up now... i have my... 'moments'... but i always come back to her... and she's always still there waiting ! which surprises me more and more each time ! she leaves me now and again for a few days.. she has to theres nothing more she can do.

but to answer your original question... Yes !.. you could still make it

Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever !

Love You all :P


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