Grief: An important anniversary (trig)

[stressed]

Today it is 25 years since my Mum died. I've never really liked the term passing away, and losing someone..just sounds careless.

I would have liked my family to maybe have a small get together to reflect and remember, to mark what I think is a special/significant day. I guess our family isn't like that, and I have to accept it wasn't to be.

No fuss was made when my Mum died. I was told on Sunday late afternoon, and I went to school as normal on the Monday. I did not go to the funeral, I wasn't asked.
My Mum was cremated and no-one seems very sure where her ashes were scattered.
No one in the family mentions any one who has died, my Mum, All my Grandparents, and a brother who I never knew.

I know everyone has their own way with dealing with grief, and I know it is hard to know what to say to someone who is grieving..
but I just think I need or want some recognition that these loved ones have died.
I wish my family could be more open and talk about death, rather than just sweeping it under the carpet, and pretending it hasn't happened, or it doesn't matter..because it does.

Today i'm doing alright, I don't want to be excessively gloomy or mawkish. I would like to update my FB status, but I can't seem to find the right words. I'm not after sympathy.

It's an unsual day, because it's also my partners Birthday, so we will be having friends round and a small party later.

[belle]

Hello.
You are so right.
Everyone has their own way for trying to deal with death.


TRIG
Please don't read on if you are feeling fragile or recently bereaved just in case.

I read a book about breavement after my mum died and it had a list of all the words and phrases people use instead of 'died'. It still seems socially so unacceptable to talk about death. The rest of my family are very different to me in their approach and I get really frustrated with them, as it sounds like you do too. However, like you, I respect everyone has to have their own way. I find it is hard when I want to talk about people who have died - not in a morbid way - but just remember them and I get almost 'shut down' mid sentence. Not quite sure who is protecting who!
I'm glad you are remembering your mum's anniversary. Lighting a candle is a lovely idea. Observing it by doing something special and personal to you might help perhaps? My mum always used to go mad at the amount of money that people spent on flowers at a funeral and felt the money was much better spent going to a charity so I sometimes remember her that way.
If you know where your mum was cremated and there are grounds at the crematorium, they would have an accurate record over the years of where any ashes are scattered, so they might be able to help you if this is something you would like to know.
I'm sorry you weren't involved with the funeral - my guess is you were quite young and a victim of how your family though it was 'best' for you at the time and they were genuinely trying thier best to do what they thought was right for you. I think things are, in my opinion, improving but it is just as hard for children dealing with bereavement as it is for adults - it's just different.
I'm rambling on here - sorry.

You have remembered your mum on here and perhaps you could remember your mum at the get together tonight if it would be appropriate?
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Take care.
xxx

[stressed]

Thank you, i'm having a lovely day..baking, gardening in the sunshine and knitting a most anticipated project for my nephew.
I don't have many memories of mum, but today I remembered very clearly.
That even though we didn't have much money, we never went without..because my mum was always making and baking things.
Today has been better than any bunch of flowers. x

[belle]

I am so pleased for you xx
Take good care of yourself.
xx

[chrissyb111]

you could go to the crem and ask them where your mum's ashes are scatterd,as i did this last year cos i didn't no where my mum was and they gave directions where she was so i was able to put flowers down and my mum was also in the book of rememberence,so your mum could be in there too.
I know excatly how you feel as it was the same for me.