MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *MASSIVE TRIG*

[itsonlyme]

Hi Katie,
Ive read a few of your posts, and just wanted to say a couple of things. Firstly, hope you're doing ok, sounds like you've had a hell of a bad time lately.
But also I wanted to let you know that i really understand about getting too attached to people, ive done the same thing in the past, and my god it hurts.
But also, I have studied counselling, I didnt go all the way to becoming a counsellor, although I hope to do this last part one day. But when I was learning about it, dealing with breaks in therapy and dealing with the ending if therapy itself was a really important issue and one that needs to be dealt with really carefully by the therapist. You should not have had your last face to face without being pre-warned that this was the case, only in extreme cases where the counsellor has to go off sick or something should that happen. Its good practice to always have the ending in sight, and to discuss feelings around havign the therapy end and the feelings that evokes in people. Things like attachment with therapists is really common, your far from alone in feeling the way you do. But any good counsellor knows this can happen and should have been discussing it pretty much right from the start. Sounds like you had no preparation for this and consquently felt devastated. I would have been too.
So, thats just my thoughts, they're not anything great, just my take on your situation.
Look after yourself x

[Aleshadxcherylc]

Hi it'sonlyme
Thank you for responding and reading some of my posts.
Thank you for sympathising it has been a hell of a ride so far but since october its got steadily worse.
This was the first therapist i have ever got attatched and still a month on its killing me and its nice to know someone understands my situation i dont think anyone can understand until you go through it yourself.

I think some of the main reasons why it happened was because i was in a bad place before i started ie not ready to move on from my problems i was waiting for CBT for a while so that made me steadily worse i had a different therapist to start with for 2 weeks she went off sick never returned, it took the CBT team 8 weeks to find the therapist i had, then 3 weeks in my grandad passed away i have no friends or boyfriend so she just happened to be there and i latched onto her then my GP decreased my medication for health reasons for everyone who was on citolopram i was stupid and niave and didnt know how to decrease so i stopped taking the 60 and went straight down to 40mg my therapist then went on holiday for 3 weeks she said before she went away, well i think i must have got the wrong end of the stick she said to me when i get back we will from now on just have half an hour sessions where its how are you and thats it and i thought ok that will prepare me for the end she then got back and i thought right ive still got her for 8 weeks lets make the most of her whilst shes here and then she told me its the end i was in pieces! if you want the full long story its at the beginning of the thread if you havent already read it. I just dont know how they the CBT team could think i could deal with all of that and do the CBT properly? then obviously because i was distressed with everything they are sending me to pyscotherapy but ive looked on their website i gurantee they will end up sending me back to CBT as pyscotherapy only deal with depression and self harm! i had 11 weeks out of the 20!

The thing is for me i suffer with autism and i struggle to connect and the conenction well for me was instant from session 1! ive seen so many therapists and this was the first time it had happened i felt i could say anything to her she made me feel at ease and for a trainee therapist to be able to do that is amazing!, she was about 24/25 which helped and im 21! for me finding another therapsit like her is going to be tricky!.

Im hoping if i go back to CBT because of my autism and how good she was with it and me they would put her back with me as it normally takes me about 10 weeks or longer to try and connect with someone and for CBT being a time limited tehrapy i could just then focus on treamtnet,and i would know all about the attatchment process and to only know shes there to guide me and thats it etc?!.

She was just amazing she was good with my panic attacks she could just sit there and really listened to everything i had to say, with the autism she would sit and explain things in different ways so i could understand them she would let me sit and process what she said and she knew if i didnt respond straight away it was ok, when i had panic attacks and with the autism she would always add on extra time so we had the full 50 minutes to an hour as she didnt have clients after me! just the little things that helped me!.

As she was a trainee i dont think if it was her descion probably not but i will never know!.
It just hurts still a month on im trying other counsellers whislt waiting for therapy but it is just not working or the same!!.
If and when i go back to CBT i hope and pray they would let me have her back after what ive been through and taking into account of everything, i know CBT will eventually help me and last time was unfortuante with eveything that happened sods law i find the right therapist for me and then all them situations happen! how was i meant to stay focused with all that going on?!.
There is a bit on the from about comments so im going to put about the autism and how long it takes me to connect the connection is half the battle and i wont respond to treatment quickly and especially as its time limited!!.

Anyway for now it still bitterly hurts feel like ive lost my arm or something i have no friends or support so i think i looked up to her as a big sister or a friend, im constantly crying im not eating or sleeping proerply im more on edge and panicky cant stop thinking about her and looking at pictures of her.
Anyway i'll stop rambling
Thanks for lsitening
Katie
xx

[Aleshadxcherylc]

PLEASE LET ME DIE I CANT GO ON
I HAVENT GOT THE FIGHT OR THE ENERGY TO DO THIS ANYMORE PLEASE JUST LET ME GO I CANT DO THIS WITHOUT HER ENOUGH SAID PLEASE KILL ME NEVER LET ME WAKE UP I CANT FACE ANOTHER DAY IM IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
SHE DONT CARE I DONT CARE ITS BEST FOR ME SO PLEASE KILL ME NOW I WANT TO GO! I CANT HANDLE ANOTHER NIGHT OR DAY WITH THIS, ALONE ABANDONED FRIGHTNED SCARCED NOT A LIFE PLEASE PLEASE DONT LET ME WAKE UP IN THE MORNING THANKS

[itsonlyme]

Hey, thanks for replying. Such strong feelings you have about all this, Im so sorry your feeling so desperate about all this, wish i could help.
Could you phone samaritans or find something to distract yourself with? Dont know why im suggesting this really, it never helps me! But otherwise I dont know what to say to help.
How you feeling today?

[Aleshadxcherylc]

hey
ive emailed the samritians since december 2011 ive tried ringing but it doesnt help emailing is better.
Its never ever going to change im never going to get her back pathetic i know but no-one understands the fight i have had to connect and find a therapist and i cant just find another like that im not like evryone else im autistic so it takes me even longer to form a connection with someone
so if im never going to get her back and she was only hope of gettting me better but too much happened for it to work if only they would give me another chance but they wont so theres no point when i go back they probably wont give me her back so there is no point
. everyone i know is sick of hearing this as this is all ive talked about but i cant help the way i feel

im not worth anyones time or effort.
just wish i wasnt so cowardly just wish i could kill myself right now and if only i could
x

[judithj]

you are worth people's time and effort. i know it's been hard to lose your therapist but the key person in your recovery is never going to leave you, because it's you.
what are the things you found really helped you to connect with your therapist? how about writing them down? remember, you've got more experience of coping with autism than any therapist you're likely to have. maybe your therapist had had some direct experience of working with people with autism? it's not something she would tell you, though. what are the things that don't help? hugs, Judith xxx

[Aleshadxcherylc]

i have learnt that the therapist cant do the work for you its 70% you and 30% the therapist.
I will try writing them down do you mean on here or on a piece of paper?
Like no other therapist she would give me more time as she knew i took longer to process which helped as she always had no clients after me, she always used to say something and then if i didnt understand she would explain it in different way until i understood what she meant that was just one thing, it was all the little things that meant a lot. like i say it was an instant connection so im hoping when i go back to CBT which it will happen as ive looked on the pyscotherapy website and it says they only deal with depression self harm aand perosonality disorders and the cousneller i saw said the stuf fim describing and the problems i have CBT will be more benficial so they will refer me back to them i can just see it now. The CBT could have saved me a lot of time and heartache.
So im hoping as CBT is time limited anyway and it normally takes me about 12 weeks to connect with a therapist i could go back to her as the connection would be there and then i would have 20 weeks just to focus on getting better not worrying about opening up and connecting.
I now know she is only there to guide me not for me to get close to.
so i would know all that for next time.
xx

[judithj]

write them down wherever you like, but it may be a good idea to do it in bullet points so that any future therapist knows what is helpful and what isn't.
giving you more time to process things, explaining in different ways would be 2 good things to put. also, how about a therapist writing things down for you to help you remember better? i think it's possible that they want you to have the psychotherapy assessment to pinpoint more clearly what your needs are for any future therapist but it's been difficult to explain that to you because all you could see was that you'd lost your therapist, hugs, Judith xxx

[Aleshadxcherylc]

looking back she did a lot of writing down also for me, like for instance i think she actually did it without realising it sometimes,maybe its the way she works she never knew i had a difficutly before i started until i told her, she used to if she was explaing something like with the homework she would start it off or show me and example and intead of me throwing it away i would finish it off, if it made sense.
when i go to the pyscotherapy ive already noted down what i want to change but i still think at some point they will send me back to CBT as maybe they are only sending me for the pyscotherapy assessment to see what i need not necessarily starting their treatment.
Suppose just have to wait and see but still scarced that i will never see her again and she will never help me again
xx

[Aleshadxcherylc]

feel like it does in the title still but i went on ex therapists facebook today its nice to know shes still there as 2 people have added her but i do wonder are they her past clients shes seen, i do look out and when i see 2 girls out walking together, like chatting and im like i wish that was me and her and i wish she was the one i could have poured my troubles out too, i wish it was her who could hug me, and say everythings alright even though its clearly not! im hoping in a couple of years she will forget about me so then i can add her on facebook and then i can invite her out for hot chocolate or something she wont remember me she sees so many other people she might not want to but at least i can give it go and at least if she says no i can still have her facebook to look on!.
shes forgotten about me now as shes probably seen so many people! roll on 2 years long old time but hopefully this pain will be worth it in the end!!!!