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Living in fear

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Joined: Wed May 16, 2012 9:12 pm

Living in fear

Postby Kaloui » Mon Apr 12, 2021 11:11 pm

I am hoping although I'm not a very active member of this forum (cant remember when I was last here) that someone is willing to offer me some help, advice or support at this time.

I recently had quite a traumatic experience and now live in fear of it happening again.

I hit a crisis the other week which spiralled quite quickly to the point I was unable to keep myself safe. I spoke to my GP, I spoke to my family (which I never do), I spoke to a support line, I spoke to a local crisis prevention service and I was finally able to see and speak to my CPN. I was referred to CRHT and I think it was at this point something went wrong.
I called CRHT and told them I was unable to keep myself safe anymore and needed help. They told me to come to a&e, take some PRN when I got there and they would sort me out. I did as they said except they didn't sort me out, they told me when I was finally seen to go home as I had an appointment the following morning. I told them I wasn't going home, I couldn't as I was unable to function and had to protect my child from my presentation, I also wasn't safe, I couldn't bare another minute of feeling that way! They suggested a hotel...I told them I wasnt safe enough plus the hotels were shut due to Covid. They still tried to obtain a hotel room. When they failed they told me I could take some more PRN and my night medication and stay on a metal chair in a&e until the following morning. I did not feel safe doing that as my medication knocks me out and I would feel even more vulnerable so they took me out to my car, took my medication away and my car keys and gave me a couple of blankets and left me there on a cold night unable to heat my car, drugged and suicidal! Someone handed me back my car keys early morning and I later attended my appointment where I was told I had apparently refused an assessment the night before...why would I do that? Why would I force myself to go to an a&e where I run the risk of seeing collegues if I was gonna refuse an assessment??!! They then offered me an appointment to see the dr the following day and my medication for one day. At this point unable to bare another minute of feeling the way I did I got up and told them I wont be needing any medication and went to walk out. They unlocked the door and let me go. I remember crying and repeatedly saying out loud I love you baby girl and I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby girl (referring to my daughter). I did this all the way to the cliff, got out and sat on the edge crying and repeating myself over and over again. I dont know how long I was there b4 I had a moment where I thought I need to call someone. I did not have a phone signal so dialed 999 which took several attempts to connect. I was put on a 136 and taken to a suite where I spent 3 days until I was transferred to a hospital. My symptoms then completely cleared up a few days later when I came on and I felt I could be discharged! I believe I am suffering from something called PMDD.
I am now living in fear of this happening again, not just the feeling that I cant put into words but the fact no one helped me until I nearly killed myself. I don't know how I am still here and do not think I will survive it again.
I don't understand what went wrong when I feel I did all the things I thought u were meant to do when things are that bad. I need to know if I did something wrong so I can get it right if/when it happens again and get the help I need. What could I have done differently? I dont feel safe anymore, I don't feel safe knowing this can happen again and I am having to rely on a moment of clarity when that close to death. I am living in fear of committing suicide and the reality of my daughter losing a mum.
If anyone knows what I did wrong or how to make sure professionals help me when I am that unwell please let me know, I am so scared. I seriously don't think I will survive it another time.

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