Just want to be done

[babyyoda]

I've been so up and down lately, my head is such a mess. I just want to everything to stop. I dropped a glass a couple of days ago and it smashed. As I picked up the shards I had to stop myself from cutting myself because my son was in the house. I was so close and the strange thing is, I didn't feel scared or worried - I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that it was all going to be over.

[ea897]

I can relate entirely to how you are feeling. For me the idea of death brings peace and calm to a hugely chaotic world and thoughts which run through my head. I have had suicidal thoughts for many months but like you my protective factor is my children. You saw the opportunity when the broken glass was in front of you. My head sees opportunities when I cross the road, or take some tablets or drive over a bridge, or drive towards a lorry. You couldn’t go through with it because your son was in the house. I haven’t gone through with it because of the impact it would have on my children. I don’t have an answer to help you but if I can say I understand how you are feeling perhaps you will feel slightly less alone. I can’t say what the future will hold and I try to isolate and detach myself from the world around me as much as I can to try to protect myself. I tend to go through each day more as an observer rather than a participant, like I have two people within me, one who everyone else sees and the one I keep hidden inside. Depression is tough and exhausting, but perhaps reaching out is a step towards making a change.