too much for me, goodbye

[penguin284]

Hello hopeful miracle helpers,
I have been suffering from suicidal thoughts for a few years now, getting stronger every time, I have slit my wrists, taken multiple overdoses requiring hospital treatment and required police assistance to take me off roofs before I jumped.
Can I go yet?

[sandjasper]

Hi Penguin,
You have suffered a serious traumatic experience and it is difficult to view it objectively and try to deal with the effect it is having on you.
How long ago is it since this event happened?
Try and talk to as many people as you can here and it may help you to feel less isolated and alone.
You have taken the first step by coming on here and this single step can guide you on the road to healing.

[j51]

I know how You feel Penguin ,
I am starting to get those feelings back , they are so hard to fight .
But fight them you must Penguin, who else is? What put you there , the things that made you feel this way, are you going to let them win! . You’ll say yes, but you yourself know that’s not true.

Your here aren’t you, that’s taken courage , because you want to live , but the pain is so overwhelming. I know my friend , the feeling can be so strong it can consume you. You feel powerless to its pull.But yet something, however small, in the back of your mind, says....fight this..

I call it your Subconscious Protector. This protector is fighting so hard to make you realise you are valued on this planet, you are somebody , don’t give in, don’t let , what put you here, defeat you. Because what put you here , has won otherwise. It doesn’t matter what is , it’s different for everybody, every bodies reason for living, smiling , laughing and crying is different .
But what is the same for all of us , is the pain that comes when your world folds in on you.

I feel it all the time penguin, for so many years my life’s been a battle of not giving in to negative thoughts, it’s not been easy, as all battles aren’t , but I’m determined to not loose this battle In the darkness that can consume me, I’m determined to win to see another sunrise, so that one day that sunrise will come with someone to feel that despair with love. Because that’s what it all comes down to at the end of the day, that simple word ...Love.
In a world that struggles with that word...It can seem like it don’t exist. I’ve been there with these thoughts Penguin.. But I’m here to tell you it does..It can be found in the most unlikely places..But nothing comes without a search of it..Its a battle , but who says that it’s a battle we have to loose, no one , except your self doubt ..Believe ,and anything is possible.

We all value life Penguin , even suicidals like you and me , we all want to live, we all have to listen to our subconscious , it’s the reason your here. Listen to your Subconscious Protector , it’s the one that wants you to live, don’t give up, round that next corner could be everything that lifts that darkness, that starts to heal your pain. Each day is a journey , with an objective in sight ..Life!!! ...And what that precious thing brings.

Keep strong my friend , you’ll be thankful you did...

J51

[j51]

I wish I had the power to heal everybody of these cruel thoughts.

I know how the darkness feels, it’s the most loneliness thing ever.
It’s a battle of wills, with yourself. A constant daily battle.
I know I’m struggling myself again right now.

I hope you are still here penguin. I hope I helped.
Life is so precious, but the darkness is so powerful when it gets hold of you, it’s engulfed in negative thoughts and negative experiences, and negative memories.

But in the same breath, the light shines strong, the eternal hope, that you can beat this, is always there. It’s what makes you cry out for hope, whether on your own or to someone.
It has no prejudice, it is there for hope, guidance, and even in its subtleness, when the negative seems so much stronger, that ray of hope is at that moment , your best friend.
Listen to it, don’t let darkness win.

I hope Penguin, you are still with us. You are not alone.

[penguin284]

Thank you, especially to J.51. Believe it or not I used to be an abundantly happy girl until i was raped an beat up in a public park by an absolute stranger when I was walking home one night. It made me lose hope in the whole of the male species and made me quite frankly terrified of anyone taller or stronger than me. I did not dare go outside in the dark again, I shook whenever someone came close and could not cope with life anymore.
I have progressed slightly in the 4 years since it happened, however I am still scared of any male above my height, any person coming into my personal space and I completely utterly terrified by any noise or anything new into my space (otherwise known as hyperarousal). I am still on antidepressants since the evet and I do not hold on hope that I will ever be the same person again.
Thank you so much for your kind words and if anyone has any support or advice for me in this time that would be eternally grateful x