I’m 26 and I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic disorder about 2 years ago now. I’ve been in and out of treatment, often feeling at times like I could manage alone and things were good because I hadn’t had a panic attack for a few weeks or because things seemed good.
I suffered a huge trauma age 14 and 16 in which I lost both of my brothers and in turn went from being the baby sibling to being the only child. My parents were struggling immensely and largely turned to alcohol as a crutch.
Because I got up and went to school and carried on for them everyone just assumed I was really strong and so I pushed aside all of my own emotions and nobody really ever checked on me to see how I was doing so I became that “strong” person when really I felt anything but that inside.
At 17 i found myself at a loss in the world and wanted someone to look after me and ended up spending 4 years in a mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship and when I eventually walked away aged 21 I didn’t know who I was, what I liked to wear, what music I liked. I felt like a shell.
I turned to drink and drugs on weekends to numb how I felt and eventually when I was 23 I met someone that I can only describe as an actual angel. He loved me properly, taught me so much about myself and the world and he was kind and patient and would always try and understand me no matter how hard things got. I know I put so much on to him and ended up really relying on him and felt like I was always so scared of losing him.
I hurt him recently and he ended things with me and I feel like I have lost a part of myself. I can’t laugh I can’t do anything. I miss him so much and hate myself for how I treat him and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on from it.
I feel hopeless and can’t picture getting through this life without him and I don’t even want to have to do that. I am having thoughts of harming myself because I’m so lost. The only reason I feel I can’t is because my parents only have me left and I don’t think I could put them through losing another child. Everything aches.