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My fear and rage towards children

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My fear and rage towards children

Postby amelia » Sat Jun 15, 2019 3:51 am

Something happened today, that actually happens to me very frequently and makes me unreasonably upset.

Am I alone in being prone to being bullied by children? It happens to me repeatedly. They put time and effort into mocking and hating me. It’s irrelevant what I’m wearing, doing or saying, they’ll find an excuse to harass and insult me just for being there. I’m just trying to mind my own business, but they just can’t leave me alone. It’s humiliating for me. Not to mention it brings up the trauma of being bullied as a child - it never stops. I even avoid going going out sometimes because I’m afraid of kids. When I pass a group of kids down the street, I panic and want to hide. What exactly am I supposed to do? Standing up for myself would be bad behavior on my part, talking to them is no use because it’s a joke to them.

I had a horrible childhood. I was not protected by adults, in fact they bullied me as well as neglected me. Now that I’m an adult and need help, the priority is helping and protecting children. I’m supposed to put myself together with very little help and take responsibility when inside, I still feel like a very broken child, in need of help. I know that children are not fully developed and that they’re fragile but I am so sick of this. My self-esteem is zero and I have anger issues, depression and anxiety. I feel ugly, unwanted and hated without abuse and humiliation from kids. They treat me like a monster, just for being there.

I grew up in an abusive household. At school I was bullied by the other kids and I was always alone. I was always so deeply ashamed because my father cut my hair very short just to punish me for being a girl and he made me wear awful clothes. I was skinny, sick-looking and poorly fed, even the older kids laughed at me and looked at me with disgust. I was bullied and called the n-word for having dark eyes and brown, curly hair. Imagine how I feel now, when a group of well-dressed, pretty and well-looking little girls look at me with disgust, laugh, whisper and for the rest of the day, put time and effort out of their lives to make me miserable and unwanted, a mission that’s aready been accomplished without their efforts.

I feel like I’m evil, a monster and a freak and because they’re innocent children, they sense it and therefore feel disgust and hatred towards me. How am I supposed to feel? Had I done what they did, I would have been physically punished at home. How am I supposed to just suck it up?

Why are they doing this? I can’t handle this anymore.

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Location: Coventry

Re: My fear and rage towards children

Postby hyster » Sat Jun 15, 2019 6:35 am

sounds like kids being kids, to them its just a big joke and there having fun.
also people that pick on others love getting a reaction, shows there getting to u,
i found the best way to d all with it is to turn it back on them.

u get called fat ? - "yup, im on a see food diet"
ugly? - "yh im saving for plastic surgery, wanna make a donation"
or just "next" - "is that al??"

being kids u cant have a go at them else ud be the bully and id guess speaking to there parents would be a waste of time.

but the biggest thing is that its NOT your fault, its the parents fault for not teaching them better and looking after them.

the only thing i can think of is to take some1 with u when u go out or move house, thats wrong i know but if it gets u peace !!!!

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Re: My fear and rage towards children

Postby bluebell123 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 2:52 pm

Hi amelia, children these days are far worse than when we were young. I quote i saw on someone's facebook page said "if i spoke to my parents the way my children do i wouldn't be here today", i had a couple of sisters following me around my village calling me "pycho", because they found out i had mental health problems. If it's minor abuse you get i'd tend to try and ignore it, because you can end up with them retaliating on you..

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Joined: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:18 pm

Re: My fear and rage towards children

Postby ptsdme » Sun Jun 16, 2019 11:42 pm

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through :( it’s absolutely ok to have feels of upset, anger, frustration and all other feelings that will come naturally to anyone who has been through all of that. Kids can be very cruel - as can adults. It’s very hard - especially when you’re already feeling so much pain :(
Have you been offered / getting any support for yourself? x

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Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2019 12:42 am

Re: My fear and rage towards children

Postby amelia » Tue Jun 18, 2019 11:10 pm

Yeah, I have been to therapy for 4 years. I was diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder and later BPD.

My therapist says it doesn’t necessarily mean that people/kids are mean if they stare and point etc. - they might just be fascinated by how I look and I shouldn’t always interpret it as negative. It just makes me feel like I’m being unreasonable about this so I don’t feel like talking to her about it.

I always wonder if my mental illness is visible to others. And maybe that’s why I’m lonely and others avoid me?

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Joined: Thu Jun 27, 2019 5:38 pm

Re: My fear and rage towards children

Postby rebel » Thu Jun 27, 2019 11:59 pm

Children can be assholes. One of them here poked a cats eye out with a stick. Mean people raise mean kids. They aren't all innocent little angels like people like to pretend. So quit beating yourself up for not liking the evil little turds. Then just ignore them, maybe wear headphones and turn up the music when you have to walk by. Try to get your mind on something else. When they see they aren't bothering you, they will give up after awhile and find a new target.

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