The last week or so I’ve really been struggling with my own thoughts and feelings.
Last Monday it got to the point where I started to think about suicide again. I’ve done this before, and planned things but never attempted it. Monday is the closest I’ve come so far to going through with it. I scared myself.
I was driving to work thinking things through and crying. I just feel like the only solution to my issues at the moment is to end my life. So as I was driving I thought about driving off the road. I was actively looking for the most risky places to go off the road so I’d maximise the chance if die and quickly. In the end I couldn’t see a place that would fit that criteria, so i started thinking how and when I could hang myself.
I’d already previously taken out a couple of life insurance policies and checked the small print on suicide, as well as checking all my pension policies. I’ve written all the details down and put them in an envelope with my will so my husband can easily see what he is entitled too and who to contact. At this point I know I’m worth more to him dead than alive. If I ended things now he would have a massive payout which would clear all my debt and the mortgage in full and leave a very healthy balance. He could live in comfort and I know he’d be secure.
I just feel I’ve let him down and disappointed him with my financial issues which started five years ago with the divorce from my abusive ex. The legal fees spiralled out of control and left me with a poor credit rating which makes moving the debt for better lower interest rates almost impossible. So I’m stuck making minimum payments and not really making much dent in what I owe. I hate feeling so financially crippled, but I’m not in a position deemed dire enough for debt charities to help. Now my mood has dropped my husband is off with me and things aren’t good. I’ve let him down and can’t seem to fix it. I just want him to be happy and live life to the full.
I’d started running last year to try and help my mental health, but since I completed my first half marathon a few weeks ago I’ve felt lost again. I didn’t achieve my target time and was disappointed and annoyed with myself. It’s like I can’t get anything right or achieve what I set out to. So I started cutting myself as a sort of punishment and release. It’s the first time I’ve done this. I look at the scabs with shame and have been hiding them but I feel an urge to do it again.
I’ve vern comfort eating and putting back on the weight I’d tried so hard to loose. Everything is just out of control. I feel hopeless right now. I can’t find support I need. What do I do?! I can’t call help lines as I don’t have time to myself to do that without being caught. Online forums and text is all I have, but I’m not getting any responses. Now my mind is turning towards thinking that I’m not worth answering and no one cares.