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I just don't know what to do anymore

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Joined: Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:13 am

I just don't know what to do anymore

Postby anons » Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:56 am

Ive been the classic perfect kid for most of my life, didn't present as mentally ill until around 15 or 16, didn't have it get really bad until a personal trauma at age 17, and used to have perfect grades, never need to study hard, always be able to work well and create cool things and have a largely good relationship with my family. My parents, one of whom is a recovering meditation-loving depressive, and the other is a person who prefers not to learn about mental illness and draw her own conclusions of the actions of others, weren't super controlling for a long time, and never seemed to be particularly disappointed in me at least 98% of the time. I had an ok run for a long time. But when I hit a massive speed bump in my second year of university, and was highly encouraged to drop out, my lovely mother told me she'd always support me, give me everything I needed and give me my year abroad savings to spend time with people I care about a lot on a year abroad to sort myself out.

That turned out to be a big lie. Once she'd successfully pulled me out of uni and I was moved back home, the family atmosphere immediately changed. There was no support that I'd been promised, emotionally or otherwise, and I was left getting progressively worse and worse in my parents home, shoehorned into the spare room and left to my own devices

My parents kept telling me it'd be the perfect way to get better, moving home and having some time to do 'whatever I wanted', but that was painfully different from the reality. I get 100 a month, which seemed amazing at first, but like everything else my costs went up and up and my security and freedom went further away. I can't go out with my friends when I want to, I get bullied' for spending my money in ways that I wish to, and every week that goes by it's like there's another necessary item erased from the shopping list, like tampons, shampoo, or even food sometimes. Even the small things, like cooking food for everyone or buying snacks to share, were replaced with box meals and all the snacks in the house being items I'm allergic to.

You see, the thing about my parents is that they act passive aggressively, in a way where if I complain or stand up for myself at any time, they treat me like a bad child or an ungrateful person. Or worse. There's little patterns that have developed in their actions towards me, like complaining about me asking for tampons when I'm on my period, or eating any snack food I buy or bring in of my own, or not even telling me about family events or things that are going on, then spitting back that 'you wouldn't go anyway'. My parents have trapped me in a near housebound situation where I can barely see my friends or go even to small cheap social events, and have built the narrative that it's all my fault and anything I say otherwise is just me 'acting crazy and sick'. And lately it's gotten way worse .

I'm constantly treated like a disappointment, and a bad child and a monster for being mentally ill and not being able to work in a steady job. I'm yelled at for breathing in the wrong direction or watching TV, and there's always something I get blamed for no matter what the context or how little sense it makes. When I try to speak up or be honest, even in a way that actively kisses ass or tries to dumb it down, I get yelled at and called aggressive. As a severely anxious person, I don't think I have an aggressive bone in my body. It's at the point of constant that I can't even stop thinking of examples.

See, my parents put on a nice face and treat everyone else well, so I'm never believed and called a rebellious person making things up when I try to talk frankly to my family and people I trust. They don't leave marks. They don't hit. But they constantly treat me like I shouldn't be alive, and scream until I have severe panic attacks if I snap and try to make them understand what they're doing to me. But every time they eat peanuts out of the bag, or tell me I'm not doing enough, or laugh at my future plans to move out on my own, or bully me for anything from the smallest thing to big issues, it all adds up. Truth is, my mental health is so severely damaged right now to the point where I have near zero motivation and confidence to do anything at all because of them, and when I try to aspire or work hard or do something for myself I get knocked down by them treating everything I do as useless.

Lately, I've been bullied about what I wear all the way to what I watch. When I went to visit a friend for comfort I came home and large chunks of my wardrobe were missing, presumably thrown away, that I loved and needed and spent my own money on and can never get back or even ask about, for fear of being hurt and insulted again. As of today, my dad stole food of my own twice and blamed me for it, and I had a family event I would have happily gone to, but I was told ten minutes before it happened and assumed to 'not want to go anyway' with a snide comment from my mother.

And the worst part is I just want to move out and be on my own, but nothing is working fast enough. I applied for many jobs over a few months and got none. I applied for benefits payments but the site is so broken it hasn't even processed my identification for months, I discovered the Prince's Trust and have my course contents now, but I haven't got the money to travel to libraries to do my work and I can't work at home with people that think it's just an excuse for me not to work and actively stamp out my creativity. I've been on the therapy waiting list for almost a whole year, and despite several calls from my GP saying it's an urgent case I haven't got any further. I'm hardly able to do anything with my friends without feeling guilty about spending my money, and because of travel costs I can't cover it anyway most of the time. If I need money for anything serious I get bullied for needing that money, and threatened that it won't be covered. Sometimes I get it. Sometimes I don't and I have to stay home and try not to think about it. I get bullied for my weight and eating anything sweet or unhealthy but I'm never allowed cooking ingredients or family meals, only a few boxes of ready made pizza and chicken. I'm desperate to move away but I have noone to stay with or any solid means of support or getting money, let alone somewhere safe I can work on my business without feeling worthless and demotivated. And worst of all, my parents are suddenly desperate to move away to Spain and alternate between threatening that they'll leave me here homeless one day, and complaining that because I'm here helpless I'm putting their plans in jeopardy. I can't even access most free services because of my age, and since the physical abuse has only ever happened once or twice and I'm not in physical danger, I feel unworthy of getting help and don't have access to most support.

I could go on. I just don't know if id be able to stop. I want to move out and support myself as soon as possible, because I don't think I can last much longer here.

Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:13 am

Re: I just don't know what to do anymore

Postby anons » Sun Nov 11, 2018 12:56 am

Sorry this is so long. If there's anything else that needs explaining I can say but I'm sorry for oversharjng

Posts: 554
Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2018 9:16 pm

Re: I just don't know what to do anymore

Postby upwards-is-the-aim » Sun Nov 11, 2018 11:28 am

Now that all sounds very yuk to have to deal with

What are the top 2 or 3 things you would like to change - lets start small eh
Trying to help and be supportive to others on this forum is one of my attempts to reduce my own depression. Getting ourselves out of our own head circles is usually a good thing to do. Maybe try it yourself

Posts: 9
Joined: Fri Nov 09, 2018 2:30 am

Re: I just don't know what to do anymore

Postby someone.else9 » Wed Nov 14, 2018 6:18 pm

I so sorry to hear you’re being treated this way :( I can understand to an extend I think bc my mother also can be like this at times, not to this extend, but despite being a kind person she often uses guilt to control me and I feel constantly defensive around her bc if this but if I reply shortly bc I know she’s trying to manipulate me emotionally I’m made to feel bad or guilty of or I’m one who doesn’t show her kindness or “hates” her and she’s always asking if I’m talking bad about her w my friends even when I’m not even talking about her at all I feel guilty talking about her like this like it’s wrong to feel this way and she’s very paranoid so I feel limited in going outand also I’m getting a job after I graduate university bc she tells me I’m not leaving and begs me to say but then later says follow your dreams and tries to play the saint then she’ll switch to why do you hate me why won’t you stay here kinda thing. So idk I understand to an extent bc my is like this very passive aggressive as well in her words and actions then she’ll claim she didn’t say that or didn’t mean it that way or I don’t give her the benefit of the doubt or anything like that. She’ll buy me things even if I don’t want them and make me feel guilty for having them. She picks fights over small things until I’ve worked myself into a panic attack and end up yelling or hurting myself when she leaves idk it like that.

Uhhh I didn’t mean to talk sm. But yeah I’m just saying I can kinda see where you’re coming from though your situation sounds worse. It’s not your fault and it sounds like you’re doing your best to seek help and to get out of that situation. Just don’t give up. Keep applying for jobs and things. Maybe hide your snacks in your room or somewhere where they won’t take them. Try to react less to them so they don’t know how much it gets to you. I know it sucks but reacting feeds their actions. It’s reallt hard not to react especially with anxiety but try to avoid it if you can. That sounds like a really bad situation to be in and it’s not your fault. They shouldn’t treat you like that. You sound like you’re trying your best. Try to get out when you can, even if you can’t go w friends or anything just take a walk by yourself so you’re away and can find some peace away from that situation. If you need to vent I mean come here or message me or something. I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not your fault, I hope things get better soon. They will get better so just bear with it the best you can now. That’s horribly awful and abusive that they’re treating you that way. Also retreat to little things that make you happy. Like music, or a hobby, or a tv series or anything. Don’t give up on your efforts to seek help and get a job. Things will work out even if they seem like they won’t rn. Feel better. Don’t force your self, it’s okay to feel sorrow and pained, but I hope good things come to you soon

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