I know you are talking to someone else on this thread, but I hope you read my contribution and I hope it can be of some help in pointing you in the right direction.
This forum is limited in what it can do in terms of providing therapy, but I think it can be used as a tool for wellbeing, safety and support.
It is limited because it is so public, but the fact that is public makes it safe in a way.
Here on the forum, as you know, you can get ideas of how to get more help and see how other people are coping and then indeed be of help to others which is therapeutic in itself.
The site is definitely a help to me.
So, there is a booklet called 'I am not good enough' by Chris Williams
, part of his little book cbt course.
it costs a few pounds on Amazon (it is part of a set of books in the Living life to the full little books course),
it is a good introduction into starting to change the way we think about ourselves.
it is not a cure, and I myself do not think CBt is a cure all , but it can be very helpful, I think.
so why not have a look at the site - www.livinglifetothefull.com
Change is not easy and it takes time but it is entirely possible.
As you are using the term suicidal, I think you must be between a rock and a hard place and are looking for healing, change, happiness and closer relationships perhaps?