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Everything is wrong

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Posts: 18
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 2:15 pm

Everything is wrong

Postby nonperson » Sat Jun 02, 2018 9:57 pm

Apologies for the dramatic title... but everything feels wrong. So wrong, all of the time.

Everything is a worry. Day to day tasks, work, interacting with people, getting up in the morning, sleep, motivation, diet, bingeing, exercise, weight... drinking, self harm... loneliness and the future.

Today just feels like it's too much to cope with.

People (online) keep telling me I should go to my GP... but I can't, I just can't. I don't know what to say, how to answer "why", I can't speak any of this out loud to anyone.

I'm not particularly close to my family, I only have one friend IRL who has her own things to deal with... I don't want to be seen differently if I did talk to her... I have no one.

I miss how the internet used to be. I've been part of several internet communities in the past and it's all fading away... I miss messaging people and having multiple chats on the go at once, I miss feeling part of a community even if we were all misfits... But we were misfits together and we had a laugh and felt connected, we'd get up to silly things and it was fun. And it felt like real friendship.

No matter how rubbish real life was, there was always an online place to belong.

I don't belong anywhere any more.

Posts: 190
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:22 pm

Re: Everything is wrong

Postby capitalt » Sat Jun 02, 2018 10:45 pm

Hiya, I truly know how you feel, been lime this for about a year, and would definitely define myself as a misfit.
It truly sounds as though you may be depressed, and need to talk this through with someone, also medication may help.
Alcohol is a depressant so probably best avoided, similarly late nights, odd hours, etc.
Good sleep and routine is by far preferable, along with exercise, nutrition, fluids, etc. though not to extremes.
Your GP really is the best place to start, also if you have a local IAPTS you may be able to self refer for an assessment for therapy.
MIND or similar may be able to provide counselling, both therapy and counselling will need you to be totally open and honest with them.
We're an OK bunch here, sharing many common struggles, so welcome and good luck.

Posts: 18
Joined: Sat May 05, 2018 2:15 pm

Re: Everything is wrong

Postby nonperson » Sat Jun 02, 2018 11:58 pm

Thank you.

I can't talk to anyone, I'm too ashamed of what people would think. And I know it's nothing to be ashamed of.

My GP was reluctant to prescribe medication last time I was there. But that was at the insistence of my occupational nurse and we didn't go into details...

I keep saying that after the alcohol is gone that I won't buy any more. And that lasts a while but I'm awful at being strong and sticking to my decisions so I keep coming back to it. There's no safe alternative to the feeling that alcohol gives me.

I struggle s much with motivation that getting off the sofa some days takes hours and hours... even just to go into my own back garden to mow the lawn.

I don't know what IAPTS is... sorry.

I'm not keen on counselling, I've seen many in the past and generally they've been unhelpful. I'm not good at talking IRL... I just try to cover everything up, even to counsellors.

And I know you're all a good bunch here. I just struggle so much with socialising... and not just in real life... I just can't do it online either.

Posts: 190
Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 4:22 pm

Re: Everything is wrong

Postby capitalt » Wed Jun 13, 2018 3:23 pm

IAPTS is Integrated Access to Psychological Therapies within the NHS.
You may be able to self refer or via your GP.
May help more than counselling.
As you have an occupational nurse may be able to help.
I can empathise, as I have self motivational issues now too.
Depression sucks, but only self action can pul, us out of it, perhaps with the help of medication which can lift our moods.
I'll be the first to admit it's so hard.
Good luck.

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