I take a deep sigh as I think ok, where shall i begin. It feels as if things will never get better. At the moment I am facing the following (just a snippet):
- living in a house far away from my family, where I spend a majority of my time alone. For most of my life i always had people around, so this is a new experience. Recently a new flat mate moved in, I kept to myself until one day in the kitchen he started talking to me. I thought he was just being friendly, but actually he had other intentions (if you get my drift, but it never got to that stage). However he is a married man, when I confirmed that I told him out of respect for his wife, best not to go there. However he always seems to find a way just to be there. I come down for breakfast and he comes down and starts talking to me. I just wish he never spoke to me in the first place, because there is another part of me deep down that likes the attention (even if it's the wrong type of attention) and it makes a nice change to come home and have someone to talk to instead of just 4 square walls. And in the beginning he was very nice and offered to help me with stuff or offer a lift or his bike. However all empty promises, probably strung out these sentences to lots of other girls.I was just an object he groomed or preyed up/ Now he is moving out earlier than anticipated, i did hope he would so i can move on..at first i was happy but now a part of me can't help but feel a little sad as it will be back to the old routine. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way.
- i've lost all joy for all the things I used to love doing. Particularly travelling. Last year I went abroad and noticed on the first day of the holiday I cried myself to sleep because I wanted to go home i couldn't stay for ten days with these strangers (travelled on tour alone). I think part of this was to do with the medication I was taking at the time, that stops your periods. However the side effects are that it makes PMT worse (which I suffer from), never been formally diagnosed with depression, however the label said it may make depression symptoms worse
- Fridays are the worst for me because most people are out enjoying themselves, but usually i have no plans, no friends to go out with (do most things on my own because when i ask people they are too busy or are not into the things i like..i travel alone, go to cinema alone, eat alone, concerts alone). When i used to work in retail as a student I hated saturdays as after work i would get on the bus and see all these people out on a saturday evening enjoying themselves and i would wish that was me. So almost every saturday i would go home and cry myself to sleep. Sundays are not usually a good day because I get a bad case of the pre-monday blues. Before i had some friends i met up with on sunday and we would go to the pub, i really enjoyed the social aspect of this. Now they are going through some things so have stopped coming out. The one time in my week when i had meaningful connection..gone
- I feel anxious about almost everything, even driving, instead of finally being like i can go anywhere i want to. I miss just being able to hop on a bus/coach/train and just switch off and read a book or people watch.. now i have to drive and sometimes I would rather not go out because i hate driving.
I feel like i just surviving and not thriving..the list of things I could go on forever. Don't know if what Im talking about is making much sense but just thought I would put some of my feelings down on paper.