where I'm at *trig

[PureFrustr8d]

I'd say last Wednesday was the trigger, all that stress and anxiety. When I wasn't sleeping I felt drugged and exhausted.

Thursday I self harmed (after months of not doing so). I had an awful night with suicidal thoughts.

Friday I saw my psychiatrist. She helped me feel less of a failure. When I was a child and a young adult I coped better than I do now. She explained that that is not uncommon. If you had to shoulder a lot growing up and didn't have any support then you are forced to manage. There comes a time when coping alone becomes too much, for me it was age 24 when I was left alone with post natal depression and my newborn. That's when I joined this forum.

Another important point is that day-to-day stress is felt more by those who suffered through-out their childhood.

Saturday I was extremely tired and agitated. My son went to his dads. I felt more alone than usual and struggled during the night. I had suicidal thoughts and self harmed again. I managed to sleep around 5:30am.

Sunday I woke up very agitated. I felt my whole body on fire. This idea that I'm never going to be ok completely engulfed me. At some point in the evening I phoned my sons dad, I was extremely upset. He said he was going to phone an ambulance, that I need to be in a psychiatric hospital. I just hung up on him. Sure helped me snap back in to reality. I did not want strangers coming and trying to force me to go to hospital. After some time passed I knew no-one was coming and started to feel more relaxed. I put the tv on and surfed the net. I went to bed about 5am.

Today: I feel very detached from the past 5 days. I don't feel much hence being able to come on here. Shame about the cuts though.

Peace

[missflowers]

hi
i just wanted to send love

we are all here to listen and support
love Lu x

[Isap]

Hi PF

Sorry to hear about your situation but glad you got through that crisis. I know you joined this forum a long time ago and came back relatively recently.

It's ok to have suicidal thoughts. It's your tired mind playing tricks on you. You don't have to act on them.

Good that you have access to a psychiatrist. Your ex does not sound appealing. How can you leave your own newly born.

We're always here to support you.

Isap xx

[PureFrustr8d]

Thank you Lu and Isap for your kind words and support, it's really appreciated.

I was back last year but a member who'd also been on for years said he decided to take his life, he didn't post again and I was too upset to try to keep using the forum.

When it comes to my own suicidal thoughts, I've had them more than half my life. I found an article which helps me a little but it's still distressing that they are always there. In crisis moments it's extremely difficult not to act. I had a plan at the weekend but after finding an article (not the one below) written by a mental health nurse re what would happen if I o'd on co-codamal (from what she'd witnessed)...that put me right off!

http://ocdfreedom.com/suicide-ocd-vs-suicidal-thoughts/

I've actually showered and got dressed today, I have cried but I'm trying to push through this.

Best wishes,
Peace

[christabel]

Hi PF

Keeping you in my thoughts. Take care. Your support is very much appreciated on Here. Hope you are feeling the care sent back. (Hug)
X Chris

[PureFrustr8d]

Your words are very touching Chris. Thank you for showing me this kindness. Yes I feel the care and I'm very grateful. It really does give me strength. I know yous don't have it easy either which makes it all the more valuable that yous reach out and encourage me. It's not just me yous are helping, it's my son too <3

Peace