I guess I just need to get things off of my chest..
You might recognise me from a year ago. I registered for this site 2 years ago and posted a lot about my past relationships/work/surgery. I had hoped that I may have been free from the black dog, but he’s back and won’t shut the f**k up, despite changing my circumstances dramatically.
A year ago, I was depressed, newly single from my f**ked up relationship and stuck in a job I despised. Now, I’m depressed, my boyfriend (met at university) and I are on a temporary break, I’m studying for my OT degree (yay, finally!) and as much as I’m enjoying it, it brings me conspicuous amounts of stress.
I haven’t had my jaw surgery yet and it’s driving me round the bend. I know the NHS is at crisis point, I know there are waiting times, I know that there are more important surgeries to be carried out. In the mist of things, I should really shut up and wait. It’s been so long, nearly 3 years of waiting and trying to keep my life at a level that is appropriate for when the time comes. I have tried to plan my life around the surgery, I dropped out of university 1st time round at a time where I thought there was the possibility of having the surgery within the ‘gap year’ I took for myself. I avoided changing my job (which caused me extreme stress) because of false promises from the hospital staff. I was offered a job as a healthcare assistant in a hospital, and I turned it down because I was under the impression I’d be having my surgery within 6 months…ha. I broke up with my then boyfriend at the time (not Dump By Text boy btw) a few months before I started university, because I didn’t want the hassle of a LDR when I was moving over 100 miles from home.
I moved to university in September (I won’t say which one, but I moved up to the Midlands from London). I got stuck into my course, had a brief fling with someone for 3 weeks that turned out to be a big fat mistake and then I started to feel low around about November. This also happened to be the month that I fell undoubtedly in love with my best friend. I forgot about the surgery, I forgot about all the mistakes I had made in the past, and although I still felt low, I felt love. And it was fucking amazing.
For once in my life, here was a boy who told me he loved me, who held my hand when I felt like shit, who cared about my surgery despite me bleating on about it until dawn came, who travelled over 100 miles from our halls to London to visit me for 2 and a bit days, meeting my parents in the process, who took me to A&E when I was suffering from chest pain despite not being able to drive and absolutely despising hospitals, who held my hair when I threw up from food poisoning. For the first time in my nearly 21 years of being on this planet, I was scared to lose someone and it terrified me.
I know I’m making it sound like our relationship is a fairytale (and people have come up to me and told me outright that they are jealous and wish they had a relationship like ours) but it isn’t. I’m not going to go into details, out of respect for my boyfriend (and me) but for reasons, we are now on a temporary break. Except I don’t really know how temporary the temporary bit is and I’m finding myself slipping further and further into the black hole. I’m struggling. He was (and is) my best friend and I love him beyond description. I think if there was a definitive timescale on our break, I would feel a little better, but I’ve left it up to him to decide.
I have a dangerous relationship with alcohol, especially with certain types (i.e rose, and now that I’m taking the time to reflect on it, white wine as well). I can’t remember if I posted on here but 2 years ago I was drinking heavily before and unfortunately ended up in A&E one time. Since that serious of events, I vowed never to get that dependent on alcohol ever again. The shame of being kicked out of my halls of residence and having 5 different professionals tell me that I was not fit for university and sign my leave of absence form is something I will never forget. I have always been a perfectionistic (although I really have turned that around, and I’m proud of myself for doing so) and so being told YOU CANNOT COME BACK UNTIL YOU ARE MEDICALLY FIT is something that struck me. I’ve always just sort of gotten on with life despite the hospital appointments/surgeries/medication, so that took some adjusting to. How could I let myself get that bad? Looking back now, I can see it was a combination of drastic life change (moving away from home), studying a course I hated, stress and being poorly treated by people I thought were going to help me.
At present, I am at university studying a healthcare course and the intensity has gone up to 140% in the last few weeks. I think I’ve found it difficult to adjust after being back at home for 5 weeks at Christmas and having my family around me. My mother’s side of the family are going through some things that are affecting me quite a bit, and there was recently a death in that side of the family as well. Although I enjoy my course, and it is definitely what I want to do as a career, I am finding it very very difficult. I am naturally a creative person, I’m never been very good at science but I’m having to put more effort in than most just to wrap my head around the anatomy, physiology and psychology. I received my grades back from last term, which were 2.2, 2.2 and a 1st, so I know I am more than capable of completing this degree, and I do not want to drop out (for once!) but I’m struggling with the intensity and the workload and the expectation put on our shoulders. For first year students, I feel we’ve been thrown in the deep end and been given the workload of someone in 3rd year.
On top of that, I’ve had a few additional health worries over the past year and am currently undergoing some tests for something quite major, which may require more surgery. (I just love a op, I do!!)
For now, I’m trying to throw myself into doing things I’ve never done before, making sure I take my medication again (I came off it when I first started university) and trying to complete the little tasks before I move onto the big ones.
I’m suffering and I’m trying not to let myself slip but it’s hard
Hope everyone else is doing ok.
Fighting mental illness one step at a time!