I haven't been on here for a long time, but yet again I find myself drawn back.
I have been struggling since the beginning of the year, but the past couple of months took a quick spiral out of control.
Not only was I self harming again, but it got to the point where I would do it bigger and deeper without caring about which outcome would happen. I had lost caring by that point.
I got taken into hospital, but was in and out 3 times for just a few days at a time, which didn't exactly prove beneficial. If I could afford to go privately, I would book myself in somewhere for at least a month, as a few days are so unrealistic to be beneficial.
I have a new cpn, but am only seeing her every 2 weeks.
It still just feels like I am treading water, desperately trying to not drown. My support network is pretty much zilch.
And randomly, all of the media new about that Hollywood guy at the moment hasn't helped the past couple of days, because that just brings an awful lot of things up, which I don't want to think about.
As for my family - when I was younger my brother sexually abused me. My last cpn had a meeting with me and my parents, where my mum denied I ever told her (which I did, and her response was that he was probably just experimenting), but my dad said 'how am I meant to believe her over my son'.
now my parents go stay with my brother still, and refuse to talk to him about as my dad would rather belive i'm lying. And this has really really been making me feel upset, distressed, alone, not believed and it's not fair.
It has got to the point where I have decided when I can afford it, I am going to buy a Dictaphone, and confront him about it all. I want to get the Dictaphone, because I can guarantee that when I start confronting him he will check I am not recording him on my phone.
That is the only way I can see a way through, and get my proof for my parents and also my sisters.
The more I think about everything the more I feel the need to hurt myself, but at the same time I feel if I don't getting out what is on my mind, is also a risk.
I guess in a way, it's not only that I want the love and belief from my parents, I want justice (I haven't been able to go ahead to get justice for something else that happened to me when I was an adult), that I at least want to feel justice from my family.
sorry for ranting, just feeling really vulnerable, and hoped to talk to people who may undertand.