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I don't understand

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sprinkles
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 pm

I don't understand

Postby sprinkles » Wed Jul 05, 2017 6:57 pm

Sorry not sure this is the right place, I just don't know where else to turn. I am so confused right now, I got the pip letter back and it seems I have tried so hard to hide how I really feel for fear of losing my kids or license or both that now they have stopped my dla completely.
I can't aford to be under the crisis team as H then gets angry, I was scared to say how much I struggle in case they revoke my license & if I say how low I am then what if they say I can't look after my daughter and H works shifts if he loses his job we would be finished. I can't stop crying. What is the point? They say I am fine because I am not under the MH team, but if I was then they could decide to take my children away. I took how many calms (3) to cope with leaving the house for the interview that I came across calm and upbeat and engaging. I hid the pain for fear of them saying I can't drive as that would housebound me completely I panic leaving the house & the physical pain as well as anxiety of catching buses means I have to be able to drive. I learnt from last time I was hospitalized to hide my emotions as it only causes problems. I wonder if that lady has ever been under social services after an attempt and had the life changing terror fill their heart that if they say think or feel the wrong thing that you could lose your kids forever. After that I vowed to never be in that situation again. I don't go out the house unless I have no choice. I don't see Dr's unless I have to as I am terrified of being admitted. I don't have the strength to fight this, I don't have the strength anymore.

christabel
Posts: 2110
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: I don't understand

Postby christabel » Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:07 pm

Hi Sprinkles

I'm not much good at information but just wanted you to know I feel for you and hopefully one of the others who are more on the ball with these things will step in.

Take care and never give up. X Chris

sprinkles
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby sprinkles » Wed Jul 05, 2017 10:45 pm

Oh Chris,
Thank you so much you have no idea how much your response means, I cracked and feel so overwhelmed and alone.
Take care of you too xxx

rsxo
Posts: 1287
Joined: Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:12 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby rsxo » Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:10 am

Hey sprinkles,

Not sure what to do here, but its an awful position to be in. Facing losing kids, a license or even both puts you in a really difficult spot. Really hope you're able to keep it together, we're here to support you all the way through this x

Much love <3
Last edited by rsxo on Sat Jul 08, 2017 3:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
RSxo <3

kat32
Posts: 198
Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2016 11:30 am

Re: I don't understand

Postby kat32 » Thu Jul 06, 2017 5:57 pm

I don't know if you have a pc or laptop but what I learnt on a course were links to self help. Using Google

Researching videos on anxiety and emergency soothing kits. It could help bring your strength up and courage to find help. Have you spoken to Mind or Smaritians, they could offer alternative help without social services.

Cyprus
Posts: 394
Joined: Mon May 26, 2014 10:05 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby Cyprus » Fri Jul 07, 2017 1:05 am

Hi sprinkles
How's you doing I have a friend that's been sectioned has kids and they weren't taken away x I am sorry you are having such a roughx I think we always try to hide how we feel keep talking on here x small steps and take care so yourself xx

sprinkles
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby sprinkles » Sat Jul 08, 2017 11:05 am

Hi, thank you all for your messages, I can't be sectioned I am terribly scared of drs and hospitals. I don't even go to my daughters & sons appts H goes. Everything is getting worse right now & the thought that the school holidays are looming is more than I can take. I can't fight to be heard anymore, I have no fight left.
Thank you I will look for self help things. I have signed up with mind but dont speak on the phone and I can't see an email or forum like this on the mind site, still trying to understand the website . I think its only one sentence have been writing to samaritans, but feel bad taking up their time, I also spend my life checking to say if they have written back, I'm not sure when I will have reached my quota for how many times I can write to them. I just can't do this anymore, I don't see any other end to this. I have to be so careful what I say how I say it all the time. I can't understand how I got to this point again. I don't know how to stop feeling like this and I don't know how to be useful anymore I can't make a difference to anyones life. I'm going mad thinking it all through over over the more I do the more I panic, I feel like I have ust been in a car crash and can only sit and stare trying to understand. I don't want to do this anymore, I can't

Cyprus
Posts: 394
Joined: Mon May 26, 2014 10:05 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby Cyprus » Sun Jul 09, 2017 10:46 pm

Hi sprinkles
I am so sorry you feel like this at the moment have you looked up uplift counscelling , I don't know where you live but you can do telephone counscelling might help to talk to someone , I understand what it feels like to be total overwhelmed by life .Take small steps and try to look at what you've done today x start with the smallest thing x sending you a hug and take care of yourself cyprus

sprinkles
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby sprinkles » Wed Jul 12, 2017 9:15 am

Thank you Cyprus. We don't have money to pay a councillor. Hope things are better for you.

Its the anniversary of my Mum's death today & I so long to be with her. Can't stop crying. I have a headache every day, I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I have run out of answers to Samaritans questions. I don't know how to parent anymore. I think if I was out the way they would have to all stand on their own 2 feet. Why speak if everyone hates you & what you say. It is soul destroying. I can't fight to be heard anymore, I am on the outside looking in I should wait til after my ds birthday, but I can't do this anymore. I should be able to cope, but I can't, I can't fix my children, god knows I don't have it in me anymore. I can't help them. There is no pain clinic date and then I face another summer with dd wanting to do things when I'm too sore. It breaks my heart she says to me last night "when will you be better?" I didn't go to her prize giving yesterday as my head was so bad. H is saying I need to go to the dr today, but I can't theres no point anyway.

sprinkles
Posts: 125
Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 12:41 pm

Re: I don't understand

Postby sprinkles » Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:53 pm

In tears again, I am trapped in this personal hell of pain, headaches, nausea & a million thoughts running through my head. I can't keep writing to Samaritans as I am terrified I'll get sectioned.
My DD found my stock pile H saw but not sure if he twigged. I sat at GP and couldn't say anything and left wondering if he knew that was the last time.
I don't feel valid anymore, so many thoughts and the realisation that H does everything is soul destroying. If anything the pip letter has devastated me into realising how people see and judge me, how dysfunctional I am I never thought twice about the fact that H does everything I have never seen my bank account online he hasn't given me my bank details even tho I have asked several times. I thought it was great that he was helping but now I'm not sure... any money I have/get I ask for from h. I told my son and his comment was thats pretty messed up. I am seeing more and more that I don't count I don't do anything of value I don't mean anything to anyone and the irony is thats what I tried to do when realising people who are angry will grieve less. I pushed eveyone away stopped talking to my sisters so no one can blame themselves. You can't miss someone who has made you angry. I feel so humiliated howcome I never questioned things before, the statements were so damning. I don't care about the money, but it kills me to think that all my struggles aren't valid or accepted. The years of pain clinic visits the full tablet container I take everyday all that means nothing I am a big fat zero. Its soul destroying. I can't do this anymore and its not just my physical struggles I can't cope with my childrens behaviour anymore the constant meltdowns, tantrums the irrational insanity of it all I just can't. I have nothing left to give. How do you explain autistic behaviour and how it kills you as a parent watching your child struggle so much & be so powerless to help.What kind of a mother am I when I can't pull myself together for my children I hide till I have stopped crying & put extra make up on to hide the fact that I have been crying again. Worse is if they see and ask why I am crying.... I am on 2 anti depressants and still cry several times a day everyday. I don't know what to do anymore and crying all the time isn't helping anyone. The ringing and humming in my head gets louder everyday to the point where I struggle to hear and make sense of what people are saying. So so tired.


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