Urgent advice needed

[cathybear]

I have been feeling a lot worse the last few months.

A month ago I was feeling extremely low and one night I had a massive panic attack while I was out and next thing I was found trying to jump off a bridge.

Since then the thoughts and ideas have been floating around my mind endlessly and I have been having strong urges to attempt something again.

Tonight was the closest I have been since that night a month ago. Overdosing has been on my mind a lot however I have never planned on doing it. Tonight, though, I had the pills in my hand ready to take them. I managed to stop myself by self-harming instead. Feeling extremely desperate and panicky as I still feel out of control and as if I am going to do something worse than just cut myself.

[mihaela]

Hello again, Cathy.

I know just how you feel. I've been through all this too. Do you have any friends of family to turn to? I wish I could speak to you on the phone, for that's what I needed most myself. I must have rung the Samaritans dozens of times - with mixed results. Try your best to distract yourself any way you can. Walking, jigsaws, videos, music, animals - all these helped me (reading was too much for my concentration was very poor). It can be hard work just making the effort to do this, but it did help me. I think having pets helped me stay alive when I was at my lowest, for I felt responsible for them, and they need me as much as I need them.

Remember, we're here over Christmas & New Year - the worst time of the year for so many of us. you're not alone, and people do care for you, even though we don't know you in real life. x

[andthistoomustpass]

Hi Cathybear

Just echoing what Mihaela has said. It's not an ideal method of communication but we are here for you.

The Samaritans are great, not just for talking but for distraction too. The confusion of a volunteer being asked about themselves instead of listening to you can be quite diverting.

Try to sleep if you can and please stay in touch.
This too must pass.
x

[caro]

Hello Cathybear,

I hope you are feeling a bit calmer now ? That awful feeling of wanting to take tablets etc, is very very distressing.

I often cut, and my cpn has said as long as it is safe, then use it as a coping method. I suppose when the alternative is a suicide attempt, then her advice is correct.

Do you have a cpn or similar ? if not, then go to your GP and explain how bad things are. You need professional support, and access to a crisis team. It will take a while to get into the system, but you really do need experts to guide you through this awful time.

When things are really bad, I have a photo in my bag, to remind me why I need to keep going. It has stopped me from doing something bad many times.

I am thinking of you xx

[cathybear]

Hi all,

Thank you so much for your lovely supportive posts! Sorry I haven't replied in a while, have been in such an exhausted daze. I feel like holidays also bring up a lot of emotion but because there are so many expectations that everyone should be having a great time and happy that trying super hard to push away all feelings and pretend to be happy is so exhausting!

I have been to the doctor and GP several times over many years about this and I feel like I often just go in loops around the system and get chucked from one place to another as no one seems to be able to help me! But I have been seeing a counsellor at uni on the side weekly, however with the holidays I won't have been in a month. I also struggle with changing routine as it makes me so anxious and all out of sorts. I was also recently referred to the community mental health service and was told that I would be seeing a psychiatrist/mental health nurse however that was changed the day of my appointment and a social worker had to step in instead so unfortunately he wasn't able to advise me as well as a psychiatric nurse would have been able to, but he was said that he is going to refer me to have another assessment with a psychiatrist for the medication side of things and then another assessment with a psychologist to see about talking therapy. Unfortunately it's all just been a bit delayed and again with the holidays I haven't heard anything yet and not sure how fast I will manage to get these assessment appointments. So at the moment I feel like i've just been left hanging a bit, but I am trying to keep going.

I am feeling a bit calmer than before but still feeling really iffy and down. I also get quite in denial when these incidents happen and won't admit that it was actually me doing that because I think it scares me quite a lot of what I am capable of and I really don't trust myself. I'm not very good at telling doctors or counsellors how bad it actually is and to what extent it is affecting me.. I think that is somewhat to do with the denial.

I have the samaritans number in my phone and I really try to urge myself to phone them when I am getting to that point, but I can never get myself to do it.

Mihaela, like you say, animals help me quite a lot too. I had my dog in my room with me that night as she now sleeps in my room to "protect" me, and I think that is mainly what stopped me from taking the pills... I looked up and saw her watching me and I just couldn't bare the thought of her having to see what I was about to do. I burst into tears and she came to comfort me, which helped me snap out of that state a bit better and enough to get myself into my bed.

I feel like I am trying so hard to be strong for all my family (as we have recently had a death in the family and my dad hasn't been well... chemo treatment) and my friends that I neglect my own feelings and I just get to breaking point. I still feel like I'm not sure what to do and I don't feel like I can really trust myself.

Hope you all are okay as you can be. I am also happy to be a listening ear to any of you too if needed. Sending my love and hugs and thank you again for your responses xxx