trig ....done in

[PureFrustr8d]

I am worn out. I have started to write the names of some people I ought to leave a letter for. Some will be easier than others

[acorn]

Oh sweetheart

You really are having a time of it aren't you? I'm rally not surprised you are thinking of this with everything you have to fight. It's a little cheesy but I'm going to share a poem I use when I'm struggling like you are. I write it in one of my better moments.

Hold on for the day you won't feel like this
Because it's inevitable
Even if you do nothing.

Hold on for the beauty of the sunrise
The simplicity of nature
The clouds and the rain.

Hold on for the day you truly see colour again
And feel it magnified
Inside of you

Hold you for those that rely on you
And don't forget
To lean on them too.


There's more but I don't remember them right now. I will post the entire thing when I find it.

Much love x

[PureFrustr8d]

Thank you acorn, it's very well written and I hear the message 'Hold on' ....I'm repeating it in my head 'hold on, hold on, hold on' ....

My only friend here is now no longer my friend....that is what has triggered this absolute desperation.... 2 years in France and not 1 friend....we were friends for 8 months but now the contact triggers me too much that I have had no choice but to let him go. He helped me with the tribunal but has never stopped being demanding because of his depression and now I have to cut him because he won't help himself without me and I don't have it in me to carry him further when it's hurting me. Now I feel alone and useless....the only person who I was able to have next to me is no longer the person I can have next to me because he blames everything on my mental illness not his behaviour....

It would be nice to read the whole poem acorn, thank you for sharing it with me.

Much love to you too x

[PureFrustr8d]

Yesterday was rather horrific for me in terms of how close I was to saying goodbye permanently but the stress of it all brought on thee worst headache imaginable and I really had to choice but to go to hospital. The friend that I was forced to cut from my life just days before asked his friend to take me after my mother contacted him because I didn't want to (I don't use people). Once at hospital I has 2 major panic attacks which resembled more a seizure than anything else - I could not control my body - I lay on the bed my whole body jumping around involuntarily and unable to speak because my mouth had gone numb. I was put on a drip for the anxiety...and oxygen and painkillers for my head. I got home after 10pm. I was given a prescription for my head but the nearest pharmacy open on a Sunday is 30 min by car (if I had one). There is a fog around my brain and my body is ridiculously weak even after sleeping and eating.

Thanks FRANCE!!!

If yous thought the UK was bad....trust me from years in the system back home and 2 years here in France....I was better off in Scotland! It doesn't matter what your illness is they treat you like you just need someone to talk to! No explanations, no advice, no direction, no compassion. This could have something to do with their ideas re Borderline....I even read somewhere that some psys feel they are wasting their time with those with BPD. Talking is not a treatment....it just gives you the occasion to express how you feel....like when you call the Samaritans.

[lonely2]

Sounds like you're not in a good place right now and I can relate to that.
There is also the song by Wilson Phillips 'Hold on for one more day' and that is just what we must do.
There have been many times in my journey with depression etc that I have tried to end my life and have put myself in very risky situations - only yesterday I messed about with my meds because I needed to be out of it. However do we really want to end our lives or to end the endless pain that we endure? We just often get to the place where we scream 'ENOUGH'
You need to hold on to the fact that it will pass and there are better times ahead - places to see, good people to meet etc... we can all have a future, we just need to fight through the here and now to get there xxxx

[PureFrustr8d]

Thank you for your reply and sharing with me your experience. I didn't actually do anything yesterday, the sheer stress of getting so close to ending it is what brought on the killer headache which forced me to go to the hospital. I hear what your saying re the envy to die being symbolic n all but in all fairness it's not my mental health that makes it so hard it's what I am going through in the 'here and now' that is making me feel the way I do. If you are asking me if I really want to die then the answer is yes but for the moment my love for my son is keeping me here. I'd happily sacrifice my life just to prove the point that I don't and never have wanted to be an accomplice to all the atrocities that exist on earth... I don't know how people in power sleep at night. Anyway, that's another story altogether. Where I am at now is fighting for a life that others value more than I do. Should I be awarded full custody of my son no doubt things will have to change as it's important I am a role model for my son...

I'm just taking each second/minute/hour/day as it comes....n boy is that exhausting.

How are you doing yourself lonely2?

Peace