Sounds like you're not in a good place right now and I can relate to that.
There is also the song by Wilson Phillips 'Hold on for one more day' and that is just what we must do.
There have been many times in my journey with depression etc that I have tried to end my life and have put myself in very risky situations - only yesterday I messed about with my meds because I needed to be out of it. However do we really want to end our lives or to end the endless pain that we endure? We just often get to the place where we scream 'ENOUGH'
You need to hold on to the fact that it will pass and there are better times ahead - places to see, good people to meet etc... we can all have a future, we just need to fight through the here and now to get there xxxx
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.
It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.