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Scary!

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lonely2
Posts: 2997
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:28 pm
Location: Midlands

Scary!

Postby lonely2 » Sun Jun 14, 2015 11:23 pm

I haven't posted here in what seems like forever - years probably and I'm not really sure why now except that I'm struggling and have found being here helpful in the past.
I suffer from complex post traumatic stress disorder and just seem to be in a bad place right now.
This week I have trauma therapy and a review with my psychiatrist. I'm not happy about either and I'm struggling.
Last week I stabbed myself badly in the chest whilst disassociating and am feeling frightened and overwhelmed. It's hard to keep myself safe. No one is really listening and I'm getting lots of questions like 'what can we do to help?' I just don't know the answers. I feel like saying lock me up but I know i would hate that.
More crisis support would be helpful but the team is new and I don't know them well. The support is patchy at best. Today they just told me to take another lorazepam - the magic answer to everything. I only get a limited supply and they are like gold dust to me.
Any ideas for how I could ask for more support would be great - thanks xxx
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.

It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.

christabel
Posts: 2110
Joined: Sat Nov 29, 2014 4:49 am

Re: Scary!

Postby christabel » Sun Jun 14, 2015 11:39 pm

Hi there

Just to let you know you will get support here. I'm not much good with ideas at the moment but I'm sure others will come up with bits and pieces when they read your post.

Don't struggle in silence, we understand and we will listen.

Take care. Your not alone x

lonely2
Posts: 2997
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:28 pm
Location: Midlands

Re: Scary!

Postby lonely2 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 12:32 pm

Thanks Christabel :D
Really tired today and trying my best to keep smiling but it isn't easy
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.

It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: Scary!

Postby acorn » Mon Jun 15, 2015 12:40 pm

Hello lonely

I have a dissociative disorder so I can relate to just how scary it is to harm yourself whilst dissociated. It really can be terrifying. I have also had the question "what can we do to help" thrown at me more often than if like and the answer is nearly always if I knew that I wouldn't need you! Although that's said inside my head not out loud for fear of being labelled uncooperative. I can also relate to crisis support being so patchy with new people that's just say silly things to get out of doing any work that it's almost not worth having. Lorazepam is the answer sometimes but yes like you say it's like gold dust and not something you want to be told to use when you have called for help!

Have you considered using an advocate to help you work out what you want and how to ask for it? They are experienced in getting peoples needs across to professionals and although a lot of their work is representing people detained under the mental health act they can also be good for people out on the community too. Might be worth investigating if you have an advocacy service in your area
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

sedge
Posts: 165
Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:24 pm

Re: Scary!

Postby sedge » Mon Jun 15, 2015 3:40 pm

Hi lonley
my main diagnosis is anxiety and depression but im no stranger to the mental health team, my crisis team just pushed to reduce how often they visited and yes it was a different person each time so there was no continuity. I also got the statement what works for you. The whole point you are here is because nothings is working. Its all so frustrating, heres to hope you can get the support you need.

lonely2
Posts: 2997
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:28 pm
Location: Midlands

Re: Scary!

Postby lonely2 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 6:36 pm

Thanks everyone
The idea of an advocate is a good idea and one that I haven't thought of. I just want to scream 'if I know what support and help I need I wouldn't be here asking you!' - duh it's not rocket science.
It annoys me when I'm obviously not in a good place and am saying that I'm struggling and when something happens they say 'why didn't you tell us?'
Probably because they don't listen.
I have trauma therapy tomorrow and at my last session I lost the plot completely and was so embarrassed. He just looked so shocked and upset and I felt terrible for causing that. I've known him a few years and that was our worse session ever. I need to ask him to go steady tomorrow as I'm feeling fragile.
If they can't take care of me I need to take care of myself which is easier said than done when I disassociate so often
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.

It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: Scary!

Postby acorn » Mon Jun 15, 2015 9:45 pm

Hello

I do thin your therapist should pay attention to how fragile you are feeling in trauma work especially if you had a rough session last time. It may even be worth starting off by doing some safety grounding exercises and agree on a way you can communicate with him if it gets too much so he can ease back a bit. I know with trauma therapy you have to work through what happened and that's very distressing but you need to go at a pace that works for you and doesn't leave you more vulnerable.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

lonely2
Posts: 2997
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:28 pm
Location: Midlands

Re: Scary!

Postby lonely2 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:29 pm

That is exactly what happened last time but it was partly my fault too. I decided to try to tackle my nightmare directly and just bloody go for it. I was in a mess and it felt like I might as well just go there as it couldn't get much worse. How wrong was I? It was much worse - loud, bright, frightening and totally overwhelming. I had an instant meltdown and it took the rest of the session for him to ground me and bring me back.
Tomorrow I think I have to take it steady and agree some ground rules and a safe place. I will never do what I did before, I need to break it down much more - a step at a time. Maybe one image at a time, I'm not sure.
I did think about abandoning the working on the nightmares and flashbacks and concentrating on the future but my cpn thinks I need to face them in order to move on. Bloody scary if you ask me lol!
So here goes - tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will cope better. I hope so
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.

It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.

acorn
Posts: 1252
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2014 9:24 pm

Re: Scary!

Postby acorn » Mon Jun 15, 2015 10:47 pm

Hello lonely

Believe me I know how scary the idea is. I have an assesment for further trauma therapy on the 2nd July and I'm terrified of it but I have to say I agree with your cpn. These things do need to be faced and talks through for you to get better. It doesn't have to be as full on as your last session through. I am a strong believer of the step by step method. Maybe focus on one particular part of the nightmare. So if you see it as a movie think about describing one scene, maybe start at the begginning before the really scary stuff happens and slowly work your way up to the event. It's likely you just pushed your brain a little too far and it's telling you to back off a little.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow"

lonely2
Posts: 2997
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 9:28 pm
Location: Midlands

Re: Scary!

Postby lonely2 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 11:25 pm

My trauma therapist says I'm not stable enough for any more EMDR at the moment and he's not prepared to work on my nightmares until I'm over my recent crisis.
I suppose it was good that he recognised how much I'm struggling but didn't really offer much in the way of support.
Last year they had a meeting about me with my GP, psychiatrist, crisis team, cpn and therapist and he thinks another meeting would be good with me there this time. Sounds scary but might be worth it?
Had a crap day and passed out at work this morning. Think I'm just exhausted
It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body.

It makes you feel able to cope with life, while at the same time it's destroying you.


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