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Since I was 13, I have planned to die at 40. I'm 29 now...

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yololin
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2014 11:45 am

Since I was 13, I have planned to die at 40. I'm 29 now...

Postby yololin » Mon Sep 22, 2014 12:18 pm

I've had an unhappy childhood. Parents are always arguing and unhappy. I had been witness to the most evil things said. My parents have been uncommunicative to me and each other, but highly manipulative. I've been planning to die ever since I was 13-14. Its something I have been unable to shake. I've written diaries on scrap pieces of paper and thrown them away so people don't find out. I remember telling a close friend about my thoughts in a half joking way. I remember him looking a little scared. I knew it was something weird to say...

I managed to forget about it from time to time. I've learned to hide my thoughts. From my loved ones and from those whom I love. I feel like it has dictated all my actions and decisions. My gf of 6 six years was pivotal in my life. A gem of a person. She was my everything. In the end, I had to let her go. Even if we were both happy... I could never let her sink with me. This depression has led me to live a life with no future. I don't want to be alive. I'm so thankful that I had my time with her, and I'm so happy she has found someone who she deserves to be with now.

My life is slowly falling apart. I'very tried hard to keep it together... but this emotional component of my life just doesn't listen to reason. I'm stubborn. I decided not to work for a year. I've stepped back and realised if I care less.. I care less.

Robin Williams suicide is something I can relate with. There is no one he can lean on.

I've always planned on dying at 40. Dying after my parents die. I don't want them to grieve. I have about 10 years left. I don't want to study or work. Love or be loved. I just want to exist and disappear without any connections.

I have been dating this summer. Girls have fallen for me. And I felt sorry to them. I have apologised and moved on. Because I am unwilling to touch them. Kiss or hug. Not because I don't like them, but because I can't promise to be the person I am projecting. And I know they like the idea of who I am more than what I am inside....

I have 10 years left of pretending. It gets harder.

Avalon
Posts: 1247
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:32 pm

Re: Since I was 13, I have planned to die at 40. I'm 29 now.

Postby Avalon » Mon Sep 22, 2014 1:58 pm

Why die when you're 40? Have you tried to get any help, counselling or meds?
You may feel differently if you discuss this with a therapist, someone who can keep confidentiality and hel you to work things out in your head

belle
Posts: 5410
Joined: Sat Nov 19, 2011 11:20 pm

Re: Since I was 13, I have planned to die at 40. I'm 29 now.

Postby belle » Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:09 pm

I agree with Avalon.
A lot can change in 10 years.
Just because you made up some rules about how you would live your life and take it, it doesn't mean you can't change the ruless now. What you decided as a teenager maybe needs to be challenged with your adult head. I don't say that lightly. I have been gripped by living my life to rules I invented in my late teens.It has left me in a total mess.
You are so young. Please challenge these entrenched thoughts and plans. You might come to the same conclusion and ok. But I think you owe it to yourself to revisit this and how and why you came back this plan.
My guess is it might be a rocky road to travel but please try if you can.
Xx


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