I've had an unhappy childhood. Parents are always arguing and unhappy. I had been witness to the most evil things said. My parents have been uncommunicative to me and each other, but highly manipulative. I've been planning to die ever since I was 13-14. Its something I have been unable to shake. I've written diaries on scrap pieces of paper and thrown them away so people don't find out. I remember telling a close friend about my thoughts in a half joking way. I remember him looking a little scared. I knew it was something weird to say...
I managed to forget about it from time to time. I've learned to hide my thoughts. From my loved ones and from those whom I love. I feel like it has dictated all my actions and decisions. My gf of 6 six years was pivotal in my life. A gem of a person. She was my everything. In the end, I had to let her go. Even if we were both happy... I could never let her sink with me. This depression has led me to live a life with no future. I don't want to be alive. I'm so thankful that I had my time with her, and I'm so happy she has found someone who she deserves to be with now.
My life is slowly falling apart. I'very tried hard to keep it together... but this emotional component of my life just doesn't listen to reason. I'm stubborn. I decided not to work for a year. I've stepped back and realised if I care less.. I care less.
Robin Williams suicide is something I can relate with. There is no one he can lean on.
I've always planned on dying at 40. Dying after my parents die. I don't want them to grieve. I have about 10 years left. I don't want to study or work. Love or be loved. I just want to exist and disappear without any connections.
I have been dating this summer. Girls have fallen for me. And I felt sorry to them. I have apologised and moved on. Because I am unwilling to touch them. Kiss or hug. Not because I don't like them, but because I can't promise to be the person I am projecting. And I know they like the idea of who I am more than what I am inside....
I have 10 years left of pretending. It gets harder.