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I have no answers

Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2014 9:24 am
by stickman
Nearly 2 years ago, after splitting up with my first husband - he had an affair - I met my current husband, we are brilliant and love each other dearly, or at least we can be brilliant sometimes. We got married a year ago and I honestly never thought I could feel about anyone the way I do about him. Since we have got married there has been issue after issue, all external but now we are suffering very badly:

I had a miscarriage in the summer which for me is where it all started to go wrong, although it makes no sense to me or him as i did not even know I was pregnant. It was bad though and I ended up in the hospital.

My ex took me to court, with the support of my parents as he didnt want me to move an hour away with our daughter. He won and now I see her once every other weekend and half the holidays, we are back in court in August as I am trying to vary the order. This totally destroyed me in words that I cannot even explain.

We are also in court with my husband trying to get regular access to his daughter as his ex keeps chopping and changing things, using daughter as a toy to try and get what she wants. The ex assaulted me at our house last summer

Husband has no job at the moment due to ongoing illness and gastric issues but we are now trying to take them to a tribunal, we are trying to sell his house (as we currently have 2) but this has not sold and money is tight.

I have been up and down over the last year, 2 serious suicide attempts and a few more which I would have followed through on if he let me. Problem is I get very low I think I must speak not very nicely to him and then he is the sort who will retaliate. Then we get into a massive row because it all makes me feel worse and he can be very very nasty in an argument, accuses me of letting him now, he can't trust me, I am a lying C**t - all sorts, and I understand why he feels like that but the way it comes out is just soul destroying. I feel I have nothing if I don't have him.

He says I see these arguments as worse than they are and its ok to have a few words, we always go to bed together and never really "fall out" if that makes sense.

But I am frightened, I am not well, I need help and I think my home environment is making it worse in some ways. He thinks I should just be able to snap out of it, if I loved him and understood what was at stake then I should just be ok. I should not pin my hopes on counselling or medication because I should just be ok. I feel like a monumental failure because I am not ok and whilst I am trying - he thinks I am not - I cannot seem to find it within me to do it.

He is a heavy drinker and is drinking more than ever, he has been by my side all the way and been hugely supportive but I think now he is reaching his saturation point so he is now on a hair trigger also, misinterpreting the way things are meant etc.

All in all its a bit of a mess and I have no idea what to do

Dr is referring me to see a psychiatrist re tablets as they want to make sure they get the right thing for me as this has been going on too long.

Re: I have no answers

Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2014 9:59 pm
by stressed
Hi, Sorry I have no answers either...but I just wanted to reassure you that I feel like a failure because I can not cope. It's like I am too stubborn to admit that I am struggling, despite deep down knowing that I should, and that people will help. I just so badly want be able to manage.

It's sounds a bit corny, cliched and cheesy...but a manager at work taught me to draw an igloo
and in each of the bottom bricks you write one small problem, issue or worry.
Keep writing down your problems in the bricks increasing the difficulty/complexity of the issues as you work your way up.

Doing this weirdly seems to work for me..and I find my chipping away and doing and dealing with the smaller problems on the lowest brick...the bigger problems start to get better too.

It's probably just good getting it put down simply on paper and helps stop things feeling too overwhelming...
Hope this is of some help, even if it's just nice to get a reply. Hope you feel like you are getting somewhere, making progress really soon x