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feeling unsafe

Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 10:38 pm
by MythEagle
If I could find something I could do to myself which wouldn't upset the dog I'd do it. I can't get drunk,I have to phone the gp in the morning, I can't harm because it makes the dog scared, I've eaten everything in the house and just want to find something that will end this combination of emptiness and desperation. Stuffing my face full of junk dulls it for a while.

Everything is changing. I'm not fit for work and intend to resign next month, I'm tied because I'm in a rental contract on the house so have to make sure the job ends when the contract ends because I'm going to move 5 hrs away from here, back to my parents, where I can get a less stressful job, I hope.

So I'm thinking that everything I've done in my life so far amounts to nothing. I am 36 years old and a complete failure in everything. I'm going to give up a reasonably paid job because I can't cope! I'm going to move in with my parents because i don't have any other option. 36 years old and running home to mummy! I'm going to lose the only 2 friends I've got, I know no-one in the small town I did senior school in, there's no gay community, and there's precious few jobs. Wtf is wrong with me? Why do I have to have anxiety? Why do I have to be depressed? Why am I so Damn useless? There is no point in my continued existence. I am alone and will always be alone. I shall never have a family of my own, when my parents die no-one will even know I am alive so why do i keep trying? I have never been anything, and never will be.

And this rant goes on over and over and over inĀ headĀ . Constantly. A broken record. I am so sick of fighting it. How can I fight something I actually believe to be true???

Re: feeling unsafe

Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 11:47 pm
by AndreR
Mytheagle, one who gives so much support and kindness to others on here, feeling in an emotionally difficult place at the moment.

I hope this passes for you and you are able to once again see the value in yourself as a person who gives and cares about others and other people have appreciated your words so much (even if you are not aware).most of all to see these goodness and kindness traits within yourself to maybe give back to you as well.

These low moments are never a nice place to be in, the thoughts and feeling of isolation, loneliness can seem so overwhelming, the thoughts and words can feel so tempting to believe as we struggle for answers, you are in my thoughts and wish for things to get easier.

You are never alone on here.

Take care of yourself

Andre

Re: feeling unsafe

Posted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 12:31 am
by belle
Hey ME.
You have so much to deal with at the moment it's not surprising you feel at such a low ebb.
How about showing yourself a little kindness instead maybe?
Are you sure resigning your job is the best way forward? Would you be entitled to sick pay or have you exhausted that?
I don't see having to go back to your parents is 'running home to mummy'. It sounds eminently sensible in the circumstances but sad you will be leaving your friends. It's not for ever - and there's Skype, texts, phone, visits to keep you in touch. OK a poor second but it still maintains the contact.
I'm not nagging but you are intelligent and show great kindness to others on here.
Raging at your illness is Ok but not turning it in on yourself. Why MH illness picks one person and not another I just don't know but I think it is OK to be angry about it. Just not beat yourself up for being unwell and all the knock on problems it can create.
Please keep safe tonight and see what tomorrow brings.
xxxx

Re: feeling unsafe

Posted: Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:22 pm
by belle
How are you today?
Xxx

Re: feeling unsafe

Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 5:36 pm
by MythEagle
Feeling crap.
Alienated my 2 friends today.
Spent rest of the day asleep, dreaming like everything was real.
Come up with the prefect sui only reason not todo it is the cat. I'd even tame the dog with mebecause she's too old to rre home.
Going back to sleep.it's the only safe place to be.