Here I am again up and about when the whole world seems to be asleep my husband and ids are up stairs and I have been up since about 3pm. woke up with my head buzzing and full of crap mostly ways of ending my life. I know I should be thinking of what it would do to my husband and children but its now the only thought that fills my mind every minute of the day. Yesterday I spent al day in bed just hiding away from everyone and everything. All I do is lie thinking about what I have done in the past to deserve the depression I have know. I know that abuse played part, and the fact that I never meet my parents or families expectations, and even now I don't have contact with them as I know it will be the same always with me being second best to my brother and sister. I go to bed at night and pray that wont see another day but a new day comes along filled with the same worries and stress and nothing ever seems to get any better. I suffer from acute back pain and problems from years of nursing and the way we used we used to moved the patients is now very much better but for me its to late. I am on large amounts of pain killers such as morpine and Ive been told that my latest mri scan should that my back was not going to get better so I only have more pain to look forward to face and to be honest I don't feel up to years of more pain and would rather end it now on my terms I know that its selfish but I cant bear the thought of being more of a burden to my husband and kids as they do enough for me already. I am currently getting support from the mental health support team and waithing for a pain clinic appointment which is for feb 2014 and I don't have the strength o wait that long. I am so scred to be on my own at the moment as I don't trust myself not to act on my houghts. I love my family to bits but they deserve so much more than I can give them right now.