well, my grandparents have been at it again with the interrogations about me job-hunting. I only saw them last week.
You see, it's my nan's birthday today and so her and my grandad have put some money towards them going away for a few days to a holiday resort. For adults, of course, but I think it's for more senior ones.
Anyway, every time I go round to see them (which I do around once a fortnight, really just to show my face and let them know I'm not dead yet) they always give me this:
"got any interviews lined up yet?"
"what's the job front looking like?"
"any opportunities yet?"
"have you been to any agencies?"
"what agencies are you with?"
"have you looked into going on the dole?"
"you'd better look into paying in your stamp else you won't get anything for your pension!"
It's just hacking me off. I've told them that I've got an illness, and even though I take medication for it, to them the medication is a quick fix. It is not.
Thyroid medication takes a long time to work and the dose might have to be tailored. Them being increased from 75mcg to 125mcg is proof of that.
It's not as though I don't make an effort to look for work as I do, but I don't want to rush back into doing a full-time job. I did that before and even though the role was too advanced for me I would go crying into the toilets and would get so stressed out because the manager spoke to me rather harshly about my mistakes and made me feel that much smaller. One week later my levels from the blood test go through the roof. Is it any wonder why?
My grandad used to work as a top, top manager - a hirer and firer is a more informal term - so he's well clued up about interview techniques and the like. I said in passing one day when I was with them, that when it came to me starting a new job I would like to start off with my new boss by saying that I have an autoimmune illness which can make me tired, forget things, depressed, achy and my moods swing in and out. Just so my new boss and I would know where things would stand if I didn't feel up to it for one day. My grandad turned round to me and said, "but your new boss would see your illness as a weakness." And then the conversation was over.
I feel like a black sheep every time I have to answer as to what jobs I've applied for and how many and so on, because some days I feel fine. Other days I don't want to get out of bed. And that's what my illness does. That's what it does to most people. My support therapist understands. My boyfriend understands and my friends understand. Why don't my grandparents - especially my own grandad who I've always looked up to as my closest father figure, understand?
You see, I'm an only child and I was brought up into the world with no dad. I have no knowledge of who he is and my mum and grandparents refuse to talk to me about him. The only person who knows any more than me apart from them is my stepdad. My mum told him about him.
I began searching for him on missing persons sites, which I've since given up - I've been wanting to know about him that much. And on two occasions where I asked my mum about him - she gave me 2 different names for him. I mean I don't know what went on when I was conceived or how close my mum and dad were but because I'm the youngest in the immediate family they treat me like I'm their little girl still and when I tell them to stop they get mad at me. At 28, do I really still need their cottonwool wrapping?
I've also had two dreams - two very terrible dreams - where my grandparents and I argue, over what I can't remember as they've both happened so long ago - and both dreams end with my grandad having a heart attack and dying right in front of me. He had a major heart operation a few years ago, like my nan, but he had a stroke and a TIA (transient ischemic attack, a mini-stroke) and it left him with emotional problems. If he was happy about something he would get tearful and even if he was very sad about something he would have the same reaction.
In the past my grandad and I have fallen out a few times, mostly because I was a moody teenager but also because some of the time I was looking for work and I got quite stressed out because I felt that he kept on and on all the time. When we fell out on those occasions he would get very angry and start shouting at me. It also made his blood pressure rise. We did argue after he had the operation and when he was recovering from the stroke and he reacted very, very badly to me. So I really don't want to cross wires with him over any issue we may not agree with for fear that one of the dreams might turn into reality.
I've even stopped taking my medication a few times because on those occasions I've felt like such a loser with this illness and because my grandparents don't see how sick this makes me inside, deep down I want them to see how it makes me look on the outside.