You're not stupid or weak. It takes a lot of courage to work through the darkest chapters of our lives. I was only partially successful, because there is still stuff I can't talk to anyone about, because it rips me apart. But at least some of it has healed and it doesn't hurt me on a daily basis as much as it did before.
I really understand that you want to understand what is happening to you (I'm the same
). Sometimes being able to put a name or label to it and understand a mechanism makes it less frightening. I can only guess, but to me it sounds as though your mind is trying to protect you from too much pain, hence the not remembering how you hurt yourself. I always felt it was like my body and my mind were for once separated. Sometimes the only way to end a state like that is to hurt yourself, but that isn't a conscious decision you're making.
I dissociated when something stressed me too much. That could be an upsetting phone call, a difficult therapy session, bad memories and for me it was a way to escape the pain for a while, at least consciously. I was quite clearly still in pain and acted on that, because they had to stop and restrain me at times. It's strange that something that helps us in the short term, can be so scary and disorienting. Talk to your therapist about it.
Well, you do need your rest. You're psychologically exhausted from the therapy and fighting all those demons as well as being physically unwell. The therapy and the kidneys on their own are a lot to deal with, let alone both together. You're stronger than you feel
. Take care! You're such a lovely person!