I can't control my feelings, tm. And believe me, I've tried. For a while I can put a stand against what they call my dysfunctional beliefs and behaviours, but if I stop, it all comes back. I can't change them, so I can't control them. At the moment it feels too much a part of myself, so as though I was destroying part of myself by trying to get rid of it. Earlier this evening a friend pointed out that that shows just how bad it is again. I hadn't realised that properly, but I'm completely stuck in my punitive parent mode...
Thanks, Lou, for your kindness!!! xxx
Today has been difficult as my therapist recommended I should go to hospital when I get back to Germany, so that I get more intensive support. This angers me on many levels as I don't want to go back on a psych ward if I can avoid it. My parents would stop talking to me if I did. I don't think they could actually support me in a helpful way, certainly not the acute wards. And I can't exactly wait for a bed in a psychosomatic clinic as that will take longer than my holidays. But I also know we wouldn't be having this discussion if my parents didn't live there. Why the hell can't I get proper support here? Why should I have to go to a different country?
She hasn't thought this through on so many levels.
It upsets me that she is basically saying, without actually saying it, that she can't help me. She agreed that 50 minutes a week was, at the moment, not going to make the slightest difference. I'm glad we agreed on that as it means I might as well not have any therapy. But I hate being written off and passed on to be someone else's problem.
Why should I even try if the professionals can't help? One person has managed to make a real difference. I'm too complicated and it's just too much effort to try to understand for everyone else.
I managed to keep myself distracted by meeting a friend for ice cream, my flatmates being around and talking to one flatmate's girlfriend until just now. But now I'm on my own and I'm crashing. I know I could write around in circles, but that's too much for on here.
Sorry, I'm just so past it now...