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trig...

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NeverGiveUp22
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

trig...

Postby NeverGiveUp22 » Wed May 15, 2013 3:44 pm

I'm sorry, but I really need to let of some steam. And I haven't managed to look around the forum and see how you're all doing, but I'm thinking of you.

This morning's therapy session has really thrown me and it's not even because we were working on difficult topics. It's more that I don't feel safe there and it all just feels so useless. I feel so alone with everything and I'm messing this up so much. The worst is that it is all self-inflicted, because I moved to a different country, to a town where I know no one and I haven't set up any proper support (I tried but it hasn't worked out).

I don't think she really understands either. She seems to be making connections where there aren't any. I'm scared of saying what I really think and feel and I feel uncomfortable.

My brain keeps popping up with suicidal ideas now. They're impulses and not even my thoughts constructing themselves in a way that leaves me we no other choices. And it scares me, because I feel so out of control.

And I should be studying. Yesterday's exam was terribly hard and I've got three more within the next week. But at the moment I feel all over the place and I can't concentrate, because I can't even see the point. If I could just snap out of it and get the work done...

I feel like crying and yet no tears will come. All I want to do is hurt myself to make it better. I've got no one here and I don't feel I can get in contact with people from home. It's all so overwhelming and exhausting, but I have nowhere to go and no one to talk to. I'm fed up and just want to scream.

Nothing is getting better. And there just seems no point. I spend so much time fighting against everything. All of me is wrong apparently. I just want to die. I want to be allowed to give up...

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett~

SmileyJess
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon May 13, 2013 6:28 pm

Re: trig...

Postby SmileyJess » Wed May 15, 2013 4:14 pm

Hey Hun
I don't think there's much I can say to make you feel better but just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
Seems like I'm in a similar situation with therapy like it just won't help. My psychologist said its normal as people expect it to just fix us (I know i did) and it doesn't work like that.

I'm also studying for exams at the moment this is my third attempt at doing my final year at university. First year I had to leave due toy brothers mental health problems and last year I got so worked up about actually taking them I ended up in hospital and missed them. As you can imagine there's a lot of anxiety around the exams for me.

Sorry I can't be more helpful but I'm here if you want to chat to someone who is I'm a similar situation. Stay safe.

Xx

NeverGiveUp22
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

Re: trig...

Postby NeverGiveUp22 » Wed May 15, 2013 5:52 pm

Thanks for replying Jess :)

This therapy isn't working, because I can't seem to connect with the therapist. But I also feel I've reached the end of the line at the moment. After 3 years of intense treatment, I'm just exhausted. The problem is that all the hard work is coming undone again and I need help to keep it going, I suppose...

What are you studying at uni? Hope the exams go well for you! It's hard when so much comes in between, but you've got it in you to manage it. Otherwise you wouldn't be finishing your degree. But it is emotionally very draining...
I'm in first year doing engineering. In some ways it's not too hard yet, but it is a lot of work and I just can't seem to make much progress at the moment. I really don't want to resit, because that will ruin my summer. It may seem silly, but I need as much time as possible to get myself sorted out and calm down after all the stress of this year.

I've done a little work in the meantime and I feel a bit calmer, but therefore my thoughts are buzzing incessantly. And they're not exactly going in a good direction. I've got a bit stuck on thinking I'm gaining weight, because I'm eating so unhealthily at the moment. And I feel so awful in my body, I just hate it so much. Only last week I was worried because I wasn't really eating. It's all so ridiculous, I know it, but I can't free myself from it all... I'm driving myself crazy and upsetting myself all the time... Argh...

Thanks again! xxx

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett~

SmileyJess
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon May 13, 2013 6:28 pm

Re: trig...

Postby SmileyJess » Wed May 15, 2013 6:11 pm

Can you ask for a break from therapy or a different therapist? What sort of therapy you doing? Can you contact your old therapist maybe she can give you some tips as to how not to undo the work you did?

I'm doing medical genetics and the worse thing is in the third year they don't offer resits until the may/June of the following year so if you miss an exam or screw up you have to wait a whole year.

My first exam is Tuesday and I'm still unsure if I will actually manage to turn up let alone pass. I hope I do! Wow engineering that's impressive. First year is still a massive step up from a levels. I find its harder when you expect to pass I put pressure on myself and then get so overwhelmed with anxiety I end up quitting before I have the chance to fail. Silly I know but hey ho I am mental. I know what you mean about not wanting to ruin your summer uni is hard enough without being there in the summer. But if the worse happens just try to compartmentalise like I will study then and unwind then etc. (hypocritical coming from me I know)

I can totally empathise with the food thing I swing from not eating to stuffing my face and over worry about all that as well. At the moment I find myself copying what others eat so I eat 'normally'.

Do you have any relaxation techniques that help clear your mind? They never worked for me but I know people who swear by them when things get to much and there mind won't shut up. Xx

NeverGiveUp22
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

Re: trig...

Postby NeverGiveUp22 » Wed May 15, 2013 6:34 pm

Thanks, Jess! xxx

Basically I will have a break in a few weeks, because I'm going home (to Germany) for the summer. It might be easiest just not to go back after the summer, but I feel silly just running away from it. She's a CBT therapist, which wasn't really my first choice, but there don't seem to be many alternatives here. I will try and find something else, but I'm worried there is nothing else suitable and if I mess it up with her, I'm completely done for...

One of my flatmates is doing medical genetics (1st year) and his stuff looks really difficult and scary to me ;). I didn't carry on with chemistry and biology in sixth form and so my knowledge in those areas is pretty basic anyway. So, I would have to say I'm impressed with your degree :).

I will go to my exams unless I'm physically too unwell, but in general I just push myself through the worst of it. At least I don't need to worry about having to deal with a short story with a suicide in it (my final French exam at school). It's all numbers and they're not threatening in that way.

Hmm, I eat better when I'm at home, because my mum has very regular mealtimes etc. And she cooks quite nutritiously as well. On my own I'm chaotic...

I'm not really one for relaxation techniques either. They always end up with me dissociated or extremely agitated (and sh). My track record isn't good. At the moment I'm just too tired to do much, but not sleepy. I usually end up watching telly and playing with my phone because I can't focus my attention... Sometimes I read a bit, but I haven't got a compelling book at the minute. I don't really know where the days are going at the moment...

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett~

SmileyJess
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon May 13, 2013 6:28 pm

Re: trig...

Postby SmileyJess » Wed May 15, 2013 10:23 pm

I empathise there isn't much variety of therapy in the uk it does seem most people get cbt or nothing. Maybe ask your old therapist for advise when you go home?

Wow what a coincidence it isn't a common degree bet your at the same uni to me. I didn't do a levels did a btec and had very little bio or chem so I struggled from day one in my course.

I had to do an essay on self harm at college and it made my self harm so much worse don't think I could have coped with a suicide one! You seem so strong I wish you all the best in your exams! I think you will be fine.

I get what you mean when me and my hubby had a house and was settled at home my eating was such more regular and healthy. I've been basically homeless since August (we lost our house when I was in hospital and couldn't work) and my eating has been chaotic since then.

You sound like me relaxation stresses me out as well and I end up sh to calm myself down. Thought I was the only one who got stressed by trying to relax lol. Same with the tired thing like I have no energy to do stuff but my mind is to active to sleep.

Are you feeling a big brighter now? You seem more positive :D

Xxx

NeverGiveUp22
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

Re: trig...

Postby NeverGiveUp22 » Thu May 16, 2013 2:36 pm

Jess, I will try and reply properly later on. My thoughts are spinning at the moment. Sorry. Thank you so much for replying! xxx


I woke up feeling okay, but rather numb and out of it (probably from taking meds last night). And then it has just gone downhill. My head is full of suicidal thoughts and it's so hard to ignore them. At the moment it seems like a better idea to die than to carry on fighting and fighting and fighting. I'm going to fail these next exams the way I'm going, so what's it worth? I hate myself so very much. It must stop, no more.

The urge to cut is so strong, but I can't risk my mum seeing it next week. There is no escape for me. I hate it all and it's ridiculous to have to struggle so much. But, oh, it's going sooo well. I think you mean I'm functioning well enough for no one to notice, because the world has their eyes closed all the time anyway. If I was screaming and bleeding and saying what my thoughts are, you would probably understand, but I suffer far too quietly for you to even get it. I'm miserable, but who cares?

:cry:

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett~

SmileyJess
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon May 13, 2013 6:28 pm

Re: trig...

Postby SmileyJess » Thu May 16, 2013 7:50 pm

You don't need to apologies to me for anything Hun.
I'm feeling much the same at the moment so hard for me to reply properly right now as I'm also very suicidal at the moment and trying hard to not s/h. My husband goes mad and I can't hide any cuts from him so I so get the not being able to cut because of others seeing and I get the whole thing where your 'functioning too well to be sick'

Can you call your doctor or go to a & e if you don't feel safe?

Just wanted you to know I care and I'm listening to you and I know how you feel as in the same boat. Please try to stay safe and keep posting if you can.

Xxx

NeverGiveUp22
Posts: 557
Joined: Fri Dec 21, 2012 12:35 am

Re: trig...

Postby NeverGiveUp22 » Thu May 16, 2013 10:35 pm

Thank you for your kind words, Jess! xxx

There is no one to call or tell. The GPs couldn't care less anyway... And I wouldn't go to a and e to either get sent home with nothing or locked up and sedated. They can't help me, so there is no point. The only thing that really helped were the sessions I had with a psychologist during 2 lengthy hospitalisations. Everything else is just useless :(.

I went for a walk along the beach this evening as the weather was so nice. There was barely even breeze for once and there weren't many people there either. It's a large beach anyway, but being able to be so far away from everyone felt calming. The atmosphere here is so unsettling. All everyone ever talks or posts about are revision and exams. There is nothing else it seems...

Still don't feel ready for tomorrow's exam. I will get up, go for a cooked breakfast and do some more revision. Only one more week of this. That scares me as well, because I tend to collapse or completely breakdown as soon as the stress is "gone". Hopefully I can enjoy the two days with my mum. She is worried about it and isn't making firm plans, because she thinks I may well be unable to do anything... It' upsetting, but it's the only way. Don't get excited about anything. Don't look forward to anything. Then the disappointment doesn't hurt as much.

I feel jittery, fat and ugly. It is just getting worse. I don't even want to look in the mirror. My face is so pale and ill looking, rings under my eyes. I look anything but healthy. How can they all think I'm okay?

Maybe I should just accept that this is as good as it gets. I've never been able to cope with life and this vulnerability will stay with me for life. It won't get any less painful. But enough for today. I shall try and head for bed and hope for a quiet night...

Thinking of you all out there! Hope you have a peaceful night! Tomorrow is another day...

Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
~Samuel Beckett~

SmileyJess
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon May 13, 2013 6:28 pm

Re: trig...

Postby SmileyJess » Fri May 17, 2013 9:34 am

i'm sorry it seems theres no one to talk to I hope chatting on here is helping a little. I wouldn't want to go a&e either.

The beach sounds nice maybe you could go down there everytime exam talk gets too mucg. I know what you mean all the hype and fuss over exams just adds to the fear and anxiety. I'm lucky this year as only coming back to uni for the actual exams so am not around all the other people studying.

I never feel ready for exams feel as though theres little point even going. Good luck for today and please let me know how you get on!

seems like your mum is being sensible trying not to put pressure on thats a good thing hun. Try not to predict problems that might not happen otherwise things become self fufilling profecies and you don't want that. I find it helpful to think of one thing at a time e.g. my first exam is all i'm thinking about, not planning for after as I just don't know how I will be.

People can be very ignorant to others pain, they might think your just run down, or they might know your not ok but are scared to say something. Can you tell people your not ok?

The accepting that I will always feel low is something i'm trying hard to fight at the moment. I don't want to feel crappy all the time and I'm sure you don't either however there does come a point when we have to realise we might never feel 'normal'. Things can get better for you but its a hard and long process (i'm sure you already know that though!) Please don't give up.

Hope you had a good night and are refreshed for your exam. Good Luck again!


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