Trig .

[Aleshadxcherylc]

HELP!

[muchlove]

What's going on? Want to tell us?
x

[Aleshadxcherylc]

Just eveything feeling low Sucidial emotional irritable worthless failure ugly fat I hate me ! lots of things changing been seeing a private therapist but I'm now going to nhs puscotherapy as I was on a waiting list for 6 months but as normal I can't get a normal therapist she said she's an on call doctor too so she could cancel an appointment but with the way in feeling I need someone every week !
Going to be tough to leave her my private therapist she listened to me throughout the cbt therapist thing but I have to I can't afford it but I'm going back to her when the nhs people go on holiday
I'm in 2 minds my private therapist said you have 2 choices (regarding my health ) stick where you are and be unhappy or potentially help yourself but she said I know that's tough but I hate change and I said To her I'm scarced to change as stupidly its comfortable and safe being unhappy I've been like this for 13 years and I'm now 21 and so much has happened. And also as so much has happened if I start being happy something will happen and ill go backwards and I'm scarced that no one will support me and react differently towards me and if i start to feel a tad better therapists wont see me and ill be left alone a nd stupidly therapists to me have been apart of my life so I'm Used to it and it will leave a hole as therapists are and have been the only ones I talk too as no one else understands and I have no one else .
scarced to change but I don't want to as well quarter of me saying do it the other three quarters saying dint it's change I hate change and what it's going to feel like I've been like this for so long it's normal life for me
The cbt therapist thing still affecting me on top of eveything else
Anyway enough basically I
Wish I could jump in front of train but I can't
Too cowardly !
So much else going on but I'd be here for years explaining! I can't cope anymore sick of putting a mask on to everyone and saying I'm ok when I'm not
Can someone on here send someone to shoot me pleae ?
Thanks for caring no one else does !
The end !
X

[muchlove]

I think your fears of appearing happy and your therapist stopping therapy happen quite a lot with people around here. I think its a common fear that people have, of appearing to be better and getting discharged too soon, but a good therapist will know when your just having a good day or if you're ready to be discharged and even then it should be a slow process which is talked about openly between both of you.
Try to start your NHS psychotherapy with an open mind. Don't write it off before its even started. Change is scary but try to look at this as a positive opportunity and give it a go.
X

[Aleshadxcherylc]

Thanks hun
I'd rather die than face the pain of everything I'm in pain everyday can't cope with anymore I don't know how I get through each day everyday is a chore
I can't cope I'm fat ugly worthless failure stupid I hate myself I dispise myself so much !
Nothing ever will change for me I dont deserve to be happy either I'm unfixable no one can help me
Therapists don't care I'm just another way for them to get their money they don't care about me
I want to be left alone to die in peace
The end
X
Thanks for listening though !

[Synthesis]

I have found that in the NHS is can be hard for therapists to demonstrate for me that they care. But I remember when I was a teacher, a job where it's also hard to demonstrate that you care and where it could be just a way to earn money........over 10 years ago now, and I still care about some of those kids and not just the ones you would expect, in fact mostly not the ones you would expect.

Having said that it has taken 2 years and lot of anger on my part and effort on my current therapists part to feel that she actually does care. She is private but the last NHS person to care got herself in a mess trying to help me, trying to offer me support than actually was just not going to work and then eventually letting me down. It might look like they don't care but it is mostly that the structure is too rigid and resources not enough. It sucks and it's not that you are worthless or unimportant even though it makes you feel that way.

In your other post you ask for help......apart from sending you a gun or other similar, do you know what might help, what is the thing that would give you some calm now? Is it space to rant, is it advice on what to do practically, is it a hug, is a virtual hug any good?

13 years and from such a young age is a long time to feel this way. I have a space inside that aches for you. Sxx

[Aleshadxcherylc]

Virtual hugs advice and ranting is all good help
Thank you for your post sorry I can't respond properly I don't feel right.
Thank you for your lovely words
Please don't waste your time on me I dont deserve it
It took me ages for me to believe my private therapist cared and now I'm leaving to go to the nhs one as the waiting list ended and I can't afford it
I love how you still care about the kids you taught that's sweet
X x