Went and got to see my therapist today which was good i thought I was still seeing my therapist for the rest of the sessions we had planned but today i found out it was our last face to face and it was only for 20 minutes but it wasnt in the end, i want to try not keep this too long ill try!.
So she never going to see the song/letter i did!.
But anyway we had our 20 minutes, and then it was that awful painful time,and we booked the telephone appointment which is 3 weeks! and then i said "is this the last time im ever going to see you face to face" "do i have to go it sounds silly but i dont want to leave this room" she said "well unless you want to camp outside i wouldnt fancy that" and then I started crying shaking and then i had a panic attack in front of her shes was lovely caring and amazing as usual so she helped me through that with the techniques i had learnt about an extra 25 minutes!.
She was like "what are you panicking about" so i said "never seeing you again" so she said "i know this is tough and painful i can see she said, im not going to die im still here im going to leave here go back to my office and then go home i'll be fine" then she got me water by all this time between talking i was breathing heavy crying really loudly embarssing i know! i told her i thought i'd failed her but she was lovely about that too!.Then it was time to go she physcially had to get me off out of my chair! i then said "thank you for you all you have done for me for everything"*whislt crying lots*, then she said "youve been a pleasure katie" it was so painful she said her usual "take care katie" and i painfully walked out
everyone at the doctors was looking at me as i was a nutcase. she advised me not too drive either sit in my car and calm down then drive home, or walk.So then got in my car everyone looking through the window as i was nuts i couldnt physcially get the strenghto start my car and leave! and then some fella bless him walked over to my car and was like "you ok?!" so i was like yer im fine then this woman came over i was only sitting in my car for 10 minutes and she said "have you had some bad news i went in the shop saw your crying there and i didnt know what to do i didnt want to leave you and drive off ive got to go to a funeral so i cant stay with you but i'll go get you someone" then that made me feel even more awful! and then cut a long story short she got one of the reception ladies out " she said come on sweetheart come in inside we'll look after you" she got me and was so lovely took me out of my car and physcially was having to hold me up pathetic i know! i couldnt walk in a straight line nothing! then went back in the doctors everyone looking at me thinking whats going on! they then got to see if my therapist was still there but she had already gone!.
but i kept saying "i dont want her to get in trouble this is not her fault its me please its not her fault" then they got me to see another doctor so i saw him and then they booked me an appointment to see my GP not like thats going to help hes just going to say the same thing as everyone else.
Then whilst this was going on as it took a while to get things sorted i asked could i go back in the councilling room i normally have my sessions so i did she said "stay in here as long as you want" as obviously no-one was using it, and i sat in there for an hour and a half!. Just crying staring at walls walking backwards and forwards then i sat on her chair as she would have been the last one to sit on there
, sat on my chair ive even videoed the room dont know why!, i sat on her chair for most of the time! i was just sitting there crying shaking rocking backwards and forwards, i didnt turn the lights on, and then i said to myself right ill get out at half 4 but it took me 15 minutes to let my hand go off her chair this is pathetic and stupid i know and to get my hand to the door every step was draining and awful and emotional!. Then i painfully closed the door and i said to the lady "if i dont go now i never will go!" it was such an awful moment dont know what would have happened if she would have been there how different things would have been!. i drove home i have eaten a little dinner which ii didnt want but not much ive just have to a nap as my eyes and head hurt so much from crying so much i just cant stop crying and im seeing my GP tomorrow morning at 10am.
I know people will say you can get through this but i cant not now!.
Im going to miss her so so so so much
if no-one couldnt alreay tell!Sorry for the essay!
xx