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MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *MASSIVE TRIG*

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Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *MASSIVE TRIG*

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:23 pm

Hi everyone
Went and got to see my therapist today which was good i thought I was still seeing my therapist for the rest of the sessions we had planned but today i found out it was our last face to face and it was only for 20 minutes but it wasnt in the end, i want to try not keep this too long ill try!.
So she never going to see the song/letter i did!. :cry:
But anyway we had our 20 minutes, and then it was that awful painful time,and we booked the telephone appointment which is 3 weeks! and then i said "is this the last time im ever going to see you face to face" "do i have to go it sounds silly but i dont want to leave this room" she said "well unless you want to camp outside i wouldnt fancy that" and then I started crying shaking and then i had a panic attack in front of her shes was lovely caring and amazing as usual so she helped me through that with the techniques i had learnt about an extra 25 minutes!.
She was like "what are you panicking about" so i said "never seeing you again" so she said "i know this is tough and painful i can see she said, im not going to die im still here im going to leave here go back to my office and then go home i'll be fine" then she got me water by all this time between talking i was breathing heavy crying really loudly embarssing i know! i told her i thought i'd failed her but she was lovely about that too!.Then it was time to go she physcially had to get me off out of my chair! i then said "thank you for you all you have done for me for everything"*whislt crying lots*, then she said "youve been a pleasure katie" it was so painful she said her usual "take care katie" and i painfully walked out :cry: everyone at the doctors was looking at me as i was a nutcase. she advised me not too drive either sit in my car and calm down then drive home, or walk.
So then got in my car everyone looking through the window as i was nuts i couldnt physcially get the strenghto start my car and leave! and then some fella bless him walked over to my car and was like "you ok?!" so i was like yer im fine then this woman came over i was only sitting in my car for 10 minutes and she said "have you had some bad news i went in the shop saw your crying there and i didnt know what to do i didnt want to leave you and drive off ive got to go to a funeral so i cant stay with you but i'll go get you someone" then that made me feel even more awful! and then cut a long story short she got one of the reception ladies out " she said come on sweetheart come in inside we'll look after you" she got me and was so lovely took me out of my car and physcially was having to hold me up pathetic i know! i couldnt walk in a straight line nothing! then went back in the doctors everyone looking at me thinking whats going on! they then got to see if my therapist was still there but she had already gone!. :cry:
but i kept saying "i dont want her to get in trouble this is not her fault its me please its not her fault" then they got me to see another doctor so i saw him and then they booked me an appointment to see my GP not like thats going to help hes just going to say the same thing as everyone else.
Then whilst this was going on as it took a while to get things sorted i asked could i go back in the councilling room i normally have my sessions so i did she said "stay in here as long as you want" as obviously no-one was using it, and i sat in there for an hour and a half!. Just crying staring at walls walking backwards and forwards then i sat on her chair as she would have been the last one to sit on there :cry:, sat on my chair ive even videoed the room dont know why!, i sat on her chair for most of the time! :cry: i was just sitting there crying shaking rocking backwards and forwards, i didnt turn the lights on, and then i said to myself right ill get out at half 4 but it took me 15 minutes to let my hand go off her chair this is pathetic and stupid i know and to get my hand to the door every step was draining and awful and emotional!. :cry:
Then i painfully closed the door and i said to the lady "if i dont go now i never will go!" it was such an awful moment dont know what would have happened if she would have been there how different things would have been!. i drove home i have eaten a little dinner which ii didnt want but not much ive just have to a nap as my eyes and head hurt so much from crying so much i just cant stop crying and im seeing my GP tomorrow morning at 10am.
I know people will say you can get through this but i cant not now!. :cry: :cry:
Im going to miss her so so so so much :cry: if no-one couldnt alreay tell!
Sorry for the essay!
xx
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc on Fri Feb 10, 2012 11:31 pm, edited 13 times in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Feb 07, 2012 11:57 pm

Thank you for your kind lovely words i cant get through this i would self harm but i havent got the physcial strength too.
xx
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

kasskaa11
Posts: 365
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:23 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby kasskaa11 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:08 am

hiya, bin thinkin bout ya n lookn out for ye [omg that sounds worrying!] you didnt say why you are not seeing each other any more? maybe you did and i missed it.

that sounds like a very exhausting time you had today, hope you have some peace now and can relax.

you are very brave sharing that with us,

stay safe and keep talking

xoxoxo

Avalon
Posts: 1247
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:32 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby Avalon » Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:06 am

Oh Katie, you must feel devastated. You have to get through this, you just have to. You have no choice (we would miss you for a start).
I'm so sorry things didn't turn out the way you thought but in some strange way this maybe easier for you in the end. You've had your last session and it's not some future thing anymore that you would be dreading, the worst thing has happened. Now we will all hold your hands and help you up xxxx

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:39 am

Hi all
Thank you for all your lovely kind words of encouragement and support.
Sorry I can't say much to you all in response to your messages but I just don't know what to do or say at the moment.
Just going to go and see my gp now probs waste of time as he's going to say the same as everyone else.
Thank you all so much.
Xx
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Wed Feb 08, 2012 12:35 pm

Went and saw my GP i was in tears before i even got in there, the doctors surguary i went to yesterday where i saw my therapist had informed my gp what had happened, i went in there i told him what had happened briefly what i told you all on here, and then how even though it was slow progress the CBT was actually helping me and i thought i was getting somewhere even be it slow!.
He said he could see how distraught and upset i was finding this he said is it also because your going to miss her on a personal basis so i said yes on a personal and a therputic basis. betwen me talking to him i just couldnt stop crying even though i was trying so hard to hold it back.
He was so good he just sat there didnt intterupt me let me speak and say exactly how i felt!.
So hes going to ring her up and tell her and how i reacted yesterday ie: staying in the councilling room for an hour and a half" and say could she possibly still not see me and carry on the CBT as it was helping me until i go to the physcotherapy which isnt time limited and obviosuly because i know the basis of CBT we wouldnt have to do that we could just carry on, on focusing in getting me a bit more better, as obviously im not going to see anyone until pyscotherapy contact me which will be a while because im on a waiting list. and he says he knows how much ive been messed around for 2 years with going from counciller to counciller and shes been the first therapist to make an impact on me and help!, and that obviously i need the support in the interium whilst im waiting for physcotherapy!,But then on the other hand i feel awful for my therapist as i dont know what has been said to her and i dont want her thinking bad of me or hating me. :cry:
He said he cant promise anything but he will try his best so i suppose i cant ask fairer than that!.
Also kasskaa11 i thought i was still seeing her but for half an hour sessions so until i got and saw her yesterday i didnt know it was the last face to face session ever!.
I did yesterday sleep with a teddy bear with a flannel over my face as my eyes were so sore!.
Im thinking the worst anyway that he is going to come back and nothing will be done but at least hes going to try for me and he could see how upset and how devestated i was!.
thank you for all your kind words. i definatly need holding up, sorry i cant really say anything back to you i just dont know what to say to you all or what to say for msyelf i just dont know at the moment and ive got to go back to work tomorrow! :'(.
xx
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc on Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

kasskaa11
Posts: 365
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 4:23 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby kasskaa11 » Wed Feb 08, 2012 1:38 pm

work will enable you to forget slightly eh?

sometimes the worse we are personally, the harder we try at work eh?

anyway, wishing you n ted a restful night

xoxox

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: MY WORST NIGHTMARE NOW LOST HER *TRIG*

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:07 pm

I guess so, i put on a brave face everyday when i normally go in, so it will just be the same as any other normal day will just have to pretend everything is ok.
And also Avalon i am absolutly devestated probably why the way i reacted yesterday and staying in the councilling room for an hour and a half i probably would have stayed in there all night if i could, but i new i had to get out at some point even though it was painful, and i think actually staying in the doctors and staying in that room saved me from self harming or taking my life! yesterday
Thank you hope everyone elses days are ok
xx
Last edited by Aleshadxcherylc on Wed Feb 08, 2012 3:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you


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