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So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

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Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Jan 10, 2012 6:36 pm

Hi
ive just come back from my therapy session from today.
I was on edge all day i got in there i had a full blown panic attack a lot worse than normal she was amazing in helping me through it, it lasted for about 25 minutes i tried to fill in the questionaire whilst she was reading the emails and poems but i couldnt i was too shaky! She said "katie take your time we are not rushing Im here" It was awful and embarssing had pins and needles in my face my legs wouldnt stop shaking i was crying my heart was beating she managed to calm me down she was so sweet caring and reassuring she even put her hand on my tummy and said "hold my hand" that meant a lot i know it sounds strange but for people who dont know when you are having a panic attack you put both hands on your tummy and breathe in and breathe out"!
See i can never do that when im by myself and she managed to calm me down because i havs someone there i cant do it by myself!.
I found out CBT sessions only last for 20 sessions and nothing more after that whatever the situation is. But once you get to session 20 they dont just leave you there are support groups but nothing she can do personally or therputicially afterwards!.
That really upset me i said that hurts and i just broke down and cried for about 10 minutes, ive come home in a state still but i couldnt use anymore of a time i'd been in there an hour and a half! already she gave me extra time afterwards today to check i was safe cauz i said i wont cope!! I dont think many good therapists would do that see why im so close to her?
Shes ringing up the crisis team for me as she said she obvioisly cant personally check im safe tonight so, they are going to ring me tonight as she asked what am i going to do now i found that out i said i was going to harm myself and actually kill myself!!. and she said its nothing personal thats what shes scheduled to do.
She understood and said well work towards session 15 and then see how it goes. im on session 10 only 5 to go im panicking already!.
Even though she was amazing! Ive come home and havent stopped crying i ran out the surguary crying driving home.crying. I cant cope withoout her why wont no-one understand just to never ever see her again is paining me so much!.
But at least she knows i guess.
Im going to go harm myself! pathetic i know
Just dont know how im going to cope after session 20 i wont i will kill myself! no-one gets this!
Katie
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

isabelledefrance
Posts: 752
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2011 2:18 pm
Location: Planet Earth (most of the time, sometimes lala land)
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Re: So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby isabelledefrance » Tue Jan 10, 2012 6:50 pm

Katie, she sounds amazing you therapist. Can I just say that I am now on week 17 and it has taken me a long time stop bursting into tears. I still get tearful though and I too dread week 20. but it really can help. Mu hubby bought me a book abut CBT which Iwill start after CBT is finished. A book by David Burns called The Feeling Good Handbook. maybe you could mention it to your therapist nxt time and see what she thinks?
please try not to hurt yourself katie. try and put in place everything you have learnt so far. Do you take notes during your sessions?? if so try and go through them to remin yourself why you ar doing this.
you can do this katie. with help and eventually with no help you can conquer the beast. hang on in there katie, and listen to your therapist, she really does sound fabulous!!
Do not let feelings lie to you, do not let your emotions bully you x

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:13 pm

She is amazing which is the reason why this is going to be so difficult!. i mean if im crying about her now whats going to happen on session 20!. She noticed straight away that i was in a panic attack she took my stuff straight off me and sat me down and begun calming me down! i was so embarssed!.She said afterwards dont worry many people have had panic attacks when they've been in sessions its ok!.
Just wish it was private CBT because then it could last for however long i want it to last for!.
Shes literally just rung me now saying the crisis team wont ring you, you have to ring them!, i said to her also thank you to her for helping me get through my panic attack.
I do write things down a lot i gave her some samritains emails ive sent and they've sent back to me about her and some poems of how im feeling ive copied and pasted on the internet!. and ive written special letters just to her to tell her how im feeling, "this is not a feeling like love because im not a lesbian its just like a friend",Im going to see another GP not my normal one as hes not avilable for ages, so on friday im going to explain the situation and see if he can help me with the way im feeling about her and maybe sort something out like extra sessions with her.
As you can tell i couldnt go to another therapist for how amazing she has been to me so far!.
I'll have a look at the book and let her know ive been to so many councillers/therapists and ive never felt the strong feelings ie:just someone listening be there".
Hope your sessions are helping you, i'll look at the book and see.
I honestly cant cope i know its sounds pathetic i would be better off dead thanks for your kind words!.
How am i going to cope till next tuesday!.
Katie
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Jan 10, 2012 8:40 pm

Shutterbug
Thanks for bothering to respond my therapist rung me an hour ago saying the crisis team wont ring you you have to ring them do they wouldnt be calling! so i wont bother to talk to them now!.
I havent stopped crying since ive come out off the session but the thing is everyone says you'll get over it but the thing is i wont just forget it in a couple of months ive had so many cocuncillers and therapists and ive never fetl like i have about this one and she has helped me so much!. and once the 20th session comes around i will go back to what i am now or worse!.
If you dont mind me asking how did you lose your first counciller if not i understand if it will upset you?.
I can understand the boundaries but i just dont get why they still cant see you when you need them! on a theraputic basis instead of it coming to the 20th session and never ever seeing her ever again which i cant bear i cant cope pathetic i know!.
Katie
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

Aleshadxcherylc
Posts: 1202
Joined: Tue Jan 03, 2012 8:28 pm

Re: So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby Aleshadxcherylc » Tue Jan 10, 2012 9:25 pm

have you phoned the crisis team before? what happens do they put you on a list or send people out to you because my parents dont need that at the moment? and i dont want them to find out this!.
Oh thats an awful thing to happen i lost my first counciller in CBT as well due to her being off sick and never returning!, so thats why i got the therapist i did now and it worked out for the best because she has helped me so much more!, i dont understand why there has to be a limit on things like this you cant just instantly get better.!
So glad you are getting on well!
Katie
And the tears come streaming down your face,when you lose something you cant replace
Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you
No-one ever comes close to you

KQ
Posts: 256
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2011 12:19 pm

Re: So upset gutted cant cope Im going to go self harm TRIG

Postby KQ » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:50 am

Hi Kate

I am sorry to hear that you have had a bad session with your therapist
The therapist sounds amazing . Think I need someone like her.

I can understand where you are coming from with your therapist and what happens next
Have you got a psychiatrist ? if you have can you phone the psychiatrist ?

The reason its only a time limit to the sessions is because they have only got a certain amount of money for each patient .

Hugs

KQ


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