composed myself slightly. holding it in. always holding it in, physically can't let other people see me like this. i live with my boyfriend, he has no idea how bad i really am, but i think he's getting an inkling now because of me constantly repeating myself and getting confused.
i summoned some bravery, went into the kitchen and poke about under the fridge with a broom, couldn't find the bug though. i hate bugs, i feel all crawly just thinking about it. can't believe i let my home get so dirty, and i can't clean by myself, i'm too scared of what i'll find. i need help, i need help so bad but i can't show it, its not a choice, i just can't show it, its like i'm not even in control, my rational mind just takes a back seat and watched while i lose control and the whole time its going "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" and ican't do anything about it.
i'm scared. and lonely. really sodding lonely.
edit: was writing when you posted. i only changed my doctors last year, they put me on the waiting list for the mental health team and advise me to take the drugs but thats it. there isn't anything else in this area that i know of. also, i have no job because i quit my apprenticeship in december cos of depression and lost 2 jobs since then because of depression and anxiety attacks, so now all i do is stay home.