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LadyKeldana
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:25 pm

please help

Postby LadyKeldana » Thu Sep 15, 2011 1:55 am

Please help me.
i was diagnosed with depression a few years back, and am supposed to be on anti depressents. i stopped taking them in february because i thought i might be pregnant, turned out i wasn't, but i couldn't start the tablets again. i don't know why, i just can't. i think giving out medications for emotional problems isn't right and there's something really wrong with this society.
now i think i'm going really really mad. it started really suddenly withing the past 3-4 weeks. I'm forgetting conversations i've had, things i've said and done, and i'm seeing skittering shapes in my peripheral vision. i keep thinking its spiders (i hate spiders) but there's never anything there.
i just saw a cockroach in my kitchen, at least i think it was a cockroach, and now i'm freaking out. i haven't cleaned like i should have in the past few weeks and now i'm scared to clean incase there are bugs.
my mum is crazy although she hasn't been diagnosed with anything because she won't see anyone, but she's the stereotypical mad woman who talks to strangers in the street and the kids in the neighbourhood laugh at. i don't get on with her, i had a bad childhood, but i'm worried i'll turn into her, i think thats whats happening and that scares me, because i'm younger then she was when she started losing it.
my GP won't listen and i don't know where else to go, i feel like i'm losing myself and i'm really scared. everything is chaos and i can barely handle it. feel like clawing out of my skin smashing my head against things and make it stop please please

LadyKeldana
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Jun 17, 2011 4:25 pm

Re: please help

Postby LadyKeldana » Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:07 am

composed myself slightly. holding it in. always holding it in, physically can't let other people see me like this. i live with my boyfriend, he has no idea how bad i really am, but i think he's getting an inkling now because of me constantly repeating myself and getting confused.
i summoned some bravery, went into the kitchen and poke about under the fridge with a broom, couldn't find the bug though. i hate bugs, i feel all crawly just thinking about it. can't believe i let my home get so dirty, and i can't clean by myself, i'm too scared of what i'll find. i need help, i need help so bad but i can't show it, its not a choice, i just can't show it, its like i'm not even in control, my rational mind just takes a back seat and watched while i lose control and the whole time its going "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?" and ican't do anything about it.
i'm scared. and lonely. really sodding lonely.

edit: was writing when you posted. i only changed my doctors last year, they put me on the waiting list for the mental health team and advise me to take the drugs but thats it. there isn't anything else in this area that i know of. also, i have no job because i quit my apprenticeship in december cos of depression and lost 2 jobs since then because of depression and anxiety attacks, so now all i do is stay home.


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