I can't keep goin

[jdxxx]

hi i'm new here i've never done this before but i'm just strugglin so much to stay in control of myself, my thoughts...i can't stop thinkin of killin myself...and i don't even no why? its just like there's this thing in my head that wants me to do it...I've been depressed pretty much all my life but the last few months have been great the last 6 months I've really got my life sorted finally and now it's just spirallin outta control...i just can't keep doin this i feel like I'm screamin inside my head just to drown it out just to drown me out...I can't do it anymore..

[johnie2]

I am in a similar position to you ,I went to my GP and told her what was going on in my head and she immediatley got int touch with the local mental health unit ,they assessed me within hours and referred me to the crisis team that have been looking after me for the last few weeks,paying daily visits to my home, seeing a psychiatrist and psycholgist very quickly and have got new meds and a refferral for long term therapy. My advice is get yourself to your GP tell him/her everything and let them help you.

[jdxxx]

I don't think I could do that...I keep everythin like this hidden and my family kinda of knows as I was with caamhs when I was a child but since I've been old enough to deal with my own stuff everyone thinks i'm ok noone knows that I'm on meds or are with cmht...I can't deal with people knowin that sort of stuff about me so if I got that sort of support they'd all find out as I live next to them and my boyfriend lives with me and I don't like him to know that much either. Then I'm goin back to work on monday which I need but if they find all this out I'll lose it as i'm still on probation...but if I don't get this sorted i'm gonna lose it anyway...thanks for your comment I really appreciate it but I don't know if I can do it..thanks

[johnie2]

Keeping it secret from friends and relatives must be very difficult,but sometimes we have to tell people so we get the help we need. Your friends and family will care about you and want to help.

[jdxxx]

yes I've had some help from cmht lately just been put on 6month waitin list for hicbt and I started on citalopram a couple of months ago which really made a big difference to my life...at last appointment to my gp we both agreed that the depression was cured but now everythings back and alot worse. I have to keep these things from them I can't let them in I know they would try to support me they would all want to know why and I can't explain that to myself...everythin inside my head's such a mess when I think about them all knowin it gives me a sick, grubby feelin that feels like its constrictin around so i couldn't let it out even if I wanted to. thanks so much tho I'm glad I've finally found somewhere I can talk about this properly I've tried to do this a few times but never been able to press submit

[jdxxx]

Thanks I think I will go back I know I need to I just struggle gettin myself there I'm so afraid of losin my job as well its the first time i've been able to hold one down in a long time and i was lucky to get it in the first place I just feel if I do tell my gp thats what will happen. the hi stands for higher intensity as i was only only receivin low level cbt from a pwp when i first went to cmht. thanks to all of you i really needed some sense drummin into me i feel a bit calmer now x

[jdxxx]

I dunno I just and I know how stupid this is but I feel like if I tell my gp everything I'm goin to end up on some unit...and then I would lose my job or bein made to sign on the sick and because I'm still on probation I think they'd be able to sack me. Also I'm a support worker so they could probably get rid of me anyway if they knew. pwp = psycological wellbeing practitioner basically the the person you see at first who refers you on x

[jdxxx]

I know its just one of those ridiculous fears i have but I am gonna go back to my gp next week thanks again for the sense...its in my head somewhere I just struggle gettin to it sometimes x

[jdxxx]

Thanks I will you've all really helped me tonight it's nice to know theres somewhere to go now

[stressed]

As Iainy says "You cannot lose your job because you are ill." You never know..if your workplace find out..they might be suprisingly supportive