I can relate to all of what you say and how you are feeling right now. I often say that I just want to hide in my corner
I haven't got any answers I'm afraid except the normal response of 'you need a review from a GP or psychiatrist and you need to be honest with them'
Can you write down how you are feeling and what is happening and go and get some support before things get more serious like you losing your job?
It might be that you need a medication review
Try to stay around people when you are feeling suicidal or wanting to self harm - or distract yourself to get through the worse time. Look at www.nshn.co.uk
as they have a long list of distractions that might help
Keep posting - there are people who understand and we need to help each other
Your last sentence says a lot in that you don't want to end your life, you just want to end all your pain...........keep fighting xxx