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Pathetic *trig

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Dovahkiin
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:01 pm

Pathetic *trig

Postby Dovahkiin » Sun May 08, 2011 8:40 am

Feel stupid, alone, rejected, frustrated.. the list could go on..

Feel so stupid after that appointment with my psych. He read my letter, only asked about 3 parts of it. The first part was why I push people away saying that my friend must be a "Martyr" putting her needs low down and that I must be mean for doing it. I explained it wasn't in a mean way, I just push people away and he said "you push people away because although it feels nice that they care you feel you don't deserve their friendship" and I agreed at the time, and it's partly true, but I'm more scared of being abandoned and if I push people away then it's not them abandoning me.

The second part he asked about was about the kids being loud. And laughed and said "Wherever you go there'll be loud teenagers and kids" and I just said "Well hopefully where we go there won't be." and he just laughed and said "Okay".

Then the last bit he asked about was my self harm and if I cut often. I told him sometimes I do. Then he suggested I use the 'rubber band technique' which I've started to do but only because I don't have any items to self harm with. And ended with "Well you don't have Bipolar, the mood swings are too rapid. I'll get you another appointment".. the appointments for the 1st of June... Another month without support.

All I want to do is stay indoors and stay in my room in the darkness away from everyone. I tried doing that yesterday but my mum flipped and was like “This is your dog too, you need to walk him. You know how dull your life is if you stay indoors” so I took the dog for his walk with her. It’s not fair, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to go outside, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here. I just want to be able to self harm freely, be able to not do all those things, it’s times like this I wished I lived alone.

I’m considering not taking my meds any more. I don’t like taking them, they’re stopping me from losing any weight when I need to, I’m the size of a bloody house, they make me fall asleep whenever I lie down, but more to the point they’re stopping Charlie from being around. I miss him, I need him now. I don’t like the voices that much but I like Charlie. He was mean to me a lot of the time but he was a friend that never left. I was never alone when he was around. He broke through the meds and I heard his voice in my head the other day. Some people were laughing behind me and he said they were laughing at me. I think they were.
Feel so pathetic :(

tracie
Posts: 1508
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby tracie » Sun May 08, 2011 9:21 am

you are not pathetic hun

Dovahkiin
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:01 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby Dovahkiin » Sun May 08, 2011 1:42 pm

Thanks Tracie & Identified_by_bpd.
That's exactly it. I'm so scared of being abandoned/rejected I push people out of my life so they don't do it to me - it's less painful that way. I'll try to explain that next time I see my psych.
Some psychologists have told my mum that I might have borderline personality disorder so we're probably very similar. I wish I was able to live alone. But it would probably do more harm than good at this stage. Thank you for showing that I'm not alone, and I'm sorry you lost custody of your son, that must be really hard. Hugs xxx

tracie
Posts: 1508
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:39 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby tracie » Sun May 08, 2011 2:23 pm

yeah i have bpd and its been confirmed in black and white because i had my letter from the shrink on thursday i would mention it to him next time you go to see him also keep on for the support you need

Dovahkiin
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:01 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby Dovahkiin » Sun May 08, 2011 4:13 pm

It seems a lot of people have bpd.. Didn't expect there to be so many for some reason :? I will do, it just seems a lost battle. Maybe when I've got a new care coordinator it'll be different. My psych was a bit shocked when I'd told him I'd only seen my care coordinator once since I joined them in january - and that was just an initial assessment. He just raised his eyebrow and said "He's supposed to be your care coordinator" So I don't know. I just wish I could have a definite diagnosis, saves me getting my hopes up for a career in the police. Hope you're doing okay hun xxx

Dovahkiin
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:01 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby Dovahkiin » Sun May 08, 2011 5:15 pm

The mental health services in Wales are shocking. Not to mention Social Services. Feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall a lot of the time. My care coordinator point blank refused to refer me to a psychologist when my mum last rang him(I cant use phones, it makes me too anxious) and when I asked my psych he said yeah straight away. My care coordinator also said "If she's that ill she'll get over her fear of using phones and ring a helpline because that's all she's getting" :x I can't wait til I get another, I just got an advocate who's meant to be sorting that out. I got a letter a few months ago off my care coordinator saying I was getting an Occupational Therapist, still haven't heard anything from them. It's a right load of bollocks (Excuse my language)
It's just so frustrating.
Managed to get out for a walk today with my mum though which is quite good, took some nice pictures :)
I will do :)
xxxx

Dovahkiin
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Feb 04, 2011 6:01 pm

Re: Pathetic *trig

Postby Dovahkiin » Mon May 09, 2011 8:02 pm

I know, I think he should get the sack, he's awful at his job. I don't have much luck with them, my last social worker told me to "grow a backbone"..
I know there's that crappy person and the duty officer. And the duty officer only counts if you can talk on the phone. Which I can't.
I know what you mean, I've gone to A&E a couple of times when I'm suicidal and just got told to go home because I wasn't serious basically. It makes me so tempted to harm myself badly just so they actually help. I get those feelings anyway so it's not great.
xxx


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