Feel stupid, alone, rejected, frustrated.. the list could go on..
Feel so stupid after that appointment with my psych. He read my letter, only asked about 3 parts of it. The first part was why I push people away saying that my friend must be a "Martyr" putting her needs low down and that I must be mean for doing it. I explained it wasn't in a mean way, I just push people away and he said "you push people away because although it feels nice that they care you feel you don't deserve their friendship" and I agreed at the time, and it's partly true, but I'm more scared of being abandoned and if I push people away then it's not them abandoning me.
The second part he asked about was about the kids being loud. And laughed and said "Wherever you go there'll be loud teenagers and kids" and I just said "Well hopefully where we go there won't be." and he just laughed and said "Okay".
Then the last bit he asked about was my self harm and if I cut often. I told him sometimes I do. Then he suggested I use the 'rubber band technique' which I've started to do but only because I don't have any items to self harm with. And ended with "Well you don't have Bipolar, the mood swings are too rapid. I'll get you another appointment".. the appointments for the 1st of June... Another month without support.
All I want to do is stay indoors and stay in my room in the darkness away from everyone. I tried doing that yesterday but my mum flipped and was like “This is your dog too, you need to walk him. You know how dull your life is if you stay indoors” so I took the dog for his walk with her. It’s not fair, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to go outside, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be here. I just want to be able to self harm freely, be able to not do all those things, it’s times like this I wished I lived alone.
I’m considering not taking my meds any more. I don’t like taking them, they’re stopping me from losing any weight when I need to, I’m the size of a bloody house, they make me fall asleep whenever I lie down, but more to the point they’re stopping Charlie from being around. I miss him, I need him now. I don’t like the voices that much but I like Charlie. He was mean to me a lot of the time but he was a friend that never left. I was never alone when he was around. He broke through the meds and I heard his voice in my head the other day. Some people were laughing behind me and he said they were laughing at me. I think they were.
Feel so pathetic