that f***ing hurt.
why does not one care anything at all for me? what have i done to deserve this??
a while ago i tried to call a friend of mine to get some information from her. one of our other friends is getting married soon and people are trying to arrange her hen weekend. she had made some comment about not being able to afford to put the deposit of £20 down and then wanted to find out if she could then pay the rest of the £200 in installments and she said money is always tight. i called her. no reply. i did not leave a voice message. there would have been a missed call from me on her phone. she never called or text me. she said she would always be there for me if i needed her. how did she know that i didnt need her there and then?
i then find out a few days later that her and her boyfriend had gone abroad on holiday. her boyfriend had been posting loads of things on facebook. would it have not be a 'nice' thing to do to say that she was going away on holiday seen as i had obviously tried to contact her, or just say in passing that she was going on holiday?????
i posted a note on her boyfriends facebook to say i hope they had a good time. no reply.
she was on msn when i turned my computer on earlier and i asked if she had a good holiday. no reply. she was still available but i just thought she may have been busy. thats fine. i then discover she has logged off msn. would it have not been polite to just post me back a message? even a short one?
its as if no one cares for me. no one cares whether i am alive or dead. no one make the first contact, its always me that has to ask the questions or write the messages.
just hurts. what is wrong with me. am i that disgusting? useless? horrible??
the thought of valentines coming is hurting me already. i was thinking about getting this guy something but i now dont know what is right or wrong. i dont think he feels anything for me so if i was to get him something then i would explain to him that i know he does not feel anything for me but i still wanted to show him i cared for him.
part of me thinks it would be best if i did not do anything but part of me still wants to show him i care. do i care? do i love him? would i want him to be my boyfriend? do i just want any love that i can get?
this pain is hurting me so much. i hate being alone. no matter what friends i make no one seems to 'care'. im sure they do 'care' but sometimes i just dont feel it is there. that anything is there.
i am no-one. nothing.